Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

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