A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s