The Calm After the Storm

The crew is back in ATL after their stormy Jamaican adventure.  All seems right with the world now, because they have all retreated back into their natural habitats, separated from each other by the electric fence.

In Kandi-Land news, she has been holding down the ATL fort awaiting her new addition, which is due in seven weeks.  She announces that she is having a boy, but we already knew this since Ace fought his way out of her chicken fried womb months ago.  Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd sit in the waiting room discussing how short the baby will be when he grows up, but Todd is in heavy denial about being vertically challenged.  He’s a 5’4” man trying to pass himself off as 5’9”.  Dr. Jackie bounces in looking like she just came from the annual municipal Easter egg hunt.  Seriously, her dress is very cute, but doesn’t seem fit for doctoring, shouldn’t she be wearing a lab coat and ugly Crocs?  But, I digress… the more dreadful item of significance here is that Dr. Jackie feels that it’s appropriate to tell Kandi and Todd, in the presence of Mama Joyce, about alternative ways to get their freak on, despite Kandi’s pregnancy belly.  When Dr. Jackie suggests something “on the side” or “hanging over the kitchen sink”, Mama Joyce recoils in horror.  Now would be the time to wield the Walmart Wedgie of Death in Dr. Jackie’s direction!

In case you missed it, Mama Joyce be like…

Disgusted face

Kandi reveals that they plan to name their son Ace Wells Tucker and Dr. Jackie approves – sounds like a guy you want to go golfing with, or a guy you might see doing 8 – 10 at Fort Dix.  Kandi reveals her inspiration was a deck of cards, Ace is highest and lowest, he is the first and the last, he is the end-all, be-all, Ace is the Place for the helpful hardware man!  Dr. Jackie reminds Todd to get the “push gift” ready, “We like diamonds, no chips, and we don’t like the number to start with one either!”  Translation = No Scrubs!  Todd gives the death stare and Mama Joyce giggles because now she thinks Kandi will finally get the diamond ring she deserves instead of that ol’ two carat piece of Cracker-Jack rubbish he used to propose.

In Kenya-Land, she and Matt are checking on Moore Manor, Delusional Dilapidated House of Horrors.  Matt is eyeing up a prime parking spot and a place for his Nordic Track, but Kenya is pushing for diamonds first.  With Matt being a personal trainer, that diamond may start with the number zero and end in a 0.25.  Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes by to assess the merchandise, meaning Matt, and she evaluates his shoe size, because you can tell a lot about a man’s intellectual prowess by his shoe size… ahem… Kenya sends big-footed Matt off to do some fake carpentry work so that she and Lori can gossip about him.  Kenya tells Aunt Lori that she has a new process for “vetting” her men (plural), and we are treated to a flash back of Walter, the disgusting tow truck driver that never could.  Kenya has clearly fired her old makeup artist because she is much more camera friendly now.  Looking back, it’s painfully evident how staged the whole “Walter” thing was, what a dolt.  At least Matt is easy on the eyes and seems like a nice person, even if he is just a prop.  Aunt Lori wishes Kenya lotsa luck, provided she doesn’t send Matt screaming for the hills.  These two are dressed like some strange version of Southern Belle, Frail International Spy meets Wayward Kid ‘N Play Groupie…can someone get some space heaters up in this beyotch?!?!

Kenya-ramshackle home

Later, Matt takes Kenya to “The Melting Pot” restaurant, where of course she’s a little put off by having to cook her own food in the fondue pot.  Ha, wait until you get home and come to find out that your $300 dress and $8 weave smell like an amalgam of old cooking grease, beef, and onions!  Kenya starts quizzing Matt on his past and he confirms that all of his wild ways are far behind him.  Kenya admits she is no spring chicken and has already started saving her eggs.  Matt believes she is referring to the eggs laid by the wild chickens living in her unfinished home and that she is saving them to cook him breakfast in the morning.  If he had fully understood her, I have no doubt he would have melted his face off in the hot fondue pot.

Porsha, well she’s an idiot.  She is preparing for a photo shoot for her new ultra cheap-n-cheezie lingerie line.  She has a phone conversation with Johnnie, her Creative Director and they are discussing the body types that will be photographed.  Porsha says “it wasn’t set in see-men”, no your photos won’t be “set in semen” until they are filched out of the recycling bins by hungover Waste Management employees.

Thankfully, Johnnie has his Porsha stupidity decoder handy and he is able to translate “it wasn’t set in STONE”, he then comments that she has the brains of a paper cup, which may be giving her too much credit.  On the day of the photo shoot, Porsha proves that she cannot handle running her empire without Lauren.  She dicks around in hair and makeup and bullshitting with Cynthia for too long and she runs out of daylight for the outside shots.  Cynthia, the ever the consummate professional, pulls off her indoor shots within a few minutes.

In other Cynthia news, she visits Kim and we get to see a sample of the ‘mercial, but it’s about as cheap-n-cheezie as Porsha’s lingerie.  Cynthia Bailey Eyewear, cheap ass sunglasses that will break right off your head after one wear.  But enough about the ‘mercial…Cynthia uses the opportunity to revisit the “your husband is fruity or gay” discussion, but Kim is totally over it.  Cynthia makes one last-ditch effort before filming the 12 part reunion to reiterate that she had no part in that conversation.

In Phaedra-World – she is moving forward with her divorce from Apollo and debating if she will take the kids to see him now that he is moved to Fort Dix.  Phaedra drops by Kandi-Land to keep up the pretense that they are mending their friendship.  Kandi is dressed like she’s going to a rootin’ tootin’ hoedown to take a nap…

Kandi-hoedown

 

…and Phaedra is cloaked in Cookie Monster’s toilet lid cover.

Phaedra-cookie cloak

Phaedra gifts Kandi with some nipple cream whilst giving her the scoop on the Jamaica trip, which is Phine by Phaedra because she has no plans of discussing the Apollo situation with anyone.  Everyone has already been up in her bidness far too much, “more than my gynecologist has been in my vagina.”

On to what is really important here and that is the “Ayden cam!”  I just can’t get over this kid, and his cute, adorable voice is enough to melt my cold, dead heart.  Phaedra is heading to Fort Dix to see Apollo, which will be the first time since the day he became unhinged in the garage and lunged at her with a running power drill.  Phaedra doesn’t tell the boys why they are in Philadelphia, in the event they cannot get into the prison because Phaedra has gone commando.  Baby Dylan has come a long way and his personality is asserting itself.  This kid ain’t goin’ back to baby Kar-ah-TAY…and you can’t make him.  He has already achieved his black belt and he will deliver a toddler sized foot to your face if you don’t back off!

Dylan Ayden

Dylan and Ayden are being lovey dovey brothers, Dylan giving his big brother kisses is just too cute for words.  Ayden is playing with Phaedra’s iPad and asks “Can you please get me one of these?  I really need it for work and business.”  When Phaedra asks, “what kind of business?” he says “Unexpected business.”  Sounds like he has picked up a thing or two from his father’s “shady bidness”!

When they arrive at Fort Dix, cameras are not allowed, so all we see is that Phaedra’s mother has waited in the car for 2 ½ hours, while playing 100 rousing rounds of Bejeweled Blitz.  Phaedra returns with the boys, calling their visit “interesting”.  She asks Ayden to comment on daddy’s hair and Ayden says “I did not quite like it”, apparently Apollo has a Mohawk and a tattoo of a single tear coming out of his left eye.

Phaedra is hesitant to visit again, the boys were antsy and Apollo is refusing to sign the divorce papers.  SHOCKER!  Next week, finally…the season finale!  Looks like some sort of holiday party gone horribly awry!

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