‘Mercial Mishegas

This week, it’s all about the ‘mercial and the gang boards another party bus from hell to head out to Kingston for the night.  Cynthia straggles in with Malorie and reveals she is pissed as hell because some “really super awesome person” told Kenya that Cynthia was denying their friendship.  That means YOU, She by Shereé!  She by Shereé’s head whirls around, exorcist style, and she immediately goes into defense mode.  Phaedra pulls a classic, well, Phaedra!  She sits in the back of the bus quietly sipping her double Daiquiri, waiting for the sparks to fly.  Cynthia becomes emotional because her backbone is broken, once again.  She is thrilled to have Nene back in her life and, well damn it, she shouldn’t have to choose which life draining drama queen takes precedence in her life!  Porsha just wants to have fun and points out that there is enough Cynthia love to go around.  Cynthia agrees and rattles off a list of the women, noting how all of the friendships are different, but she neglects to mention Kim.  Kim flies into a hilarious tirade about not being mentioned and screams “STOP THE BUS”.  Points to Kim for bucking the Bravo patented formula for drama by not making “not being mentioned on Cynthia’s friend list whilst on the party bus from hell” into a six week story line.

Nene offers to pay Kenya a visit when they get back to the resort, I’m sure that will go about as well as Trump’s toupee fitting.  The gang arrives in Kingston to visit Papa Smurf’s aunt and uncle and chow down on some good ol’ barbecued goat.  It is here where Phaedra starts to hint that Kim’s hubby, Chris, is a bit “sassy”, setting us up for the cliffhanger…more on that later!

The ladies inquire about Papa Smurf’s temperament when he was young because they just want to understand why he is such a douche nozzle.  Peter reveals he only received the wrath of his father a few times, and he was called “Elvis” and he didn’t even know his name was Peter.  Wait, what?  Anyhoo, as the goat feast winds down, Kim announces that the call time for the ‘mercial is 10 a.m. sharp, and anyone is welcome to attend.  Kim warns Phaedra and Porsha to leave the butt floss at home and dress conservatively so as not to detract attention from the product.  Marketing wiz, Phaedra insists that “booty sells” and ends up showing up at the ‘mercial shoot commando and Porsha wears a bikini two sizes too small.  More on that later…

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Kenya and Matt go to the hotel spa and Kenya gives Matt her entire personal history of cast mate drama whilst soaking in the hot tub.  Matt is clearly Kenya’s latest ass brained chucklefuck who agreed to be Kenya’s boyfriend in exchange for camera time.  As Kenya drones on and on about Cynthia, Nene, and the broken friendship contract that never was, he looks like he’d rather take a chainsaw to his insides.

Nene pops by Kenya’s room to rip her a new asshole, but things go fairly smoothly and Nene convinces her to join the rest of the ladies for a nightcap by the pool.  When they arrive, Cynthia apologizes to her and professes her undying love and friendship for Kenya in front of the group.  Smart move…witnesses!  Since Kim is smartly getting some rest before the big ‘mercial day tomorrow, the girls decide this would be a perfect time to gossip about Kim and perpetuate rumors about her hubby, Chris.  Phaedra says he is sassy “He’s definitely got a little fire in his fireplace”.  Nene points out that Chris has a lot of personality that Kim doesn’t have, and Kenya cheerfully chimes in, “they call him ‘Chrissy”, “in the industry”.  She must be referring to the defunct work out video and fake hair product “industry”.  Insinuating that Chris is attracted to men is once again Kenya grasping at her rapidly dwindling supply of straws.  She has used this maneuver a few times, Walter – the tow truck drivin’ fake boyfriend, Kordell – Porsha’s ex, and now Chris.  Heads up Matt…you don’t know it yet, but you’re on your way to being labeled as a gay man!  I really wish a unicorn on roller skates would roll in and impale Kenya and deflate her stupid, stupid ass.

Of course Cynthia and She by Shereé both confess to the camera that they want no part of this gossip, but neither one will shut it down in the moment.  Bravo must have a gag order on common courtesy.  The only one who chimes in to save this ill-fated line of conversation is li’l Porsha, who says she never got a “gay vibe” from Chris.

Meanwhile, the manly men hit the bar to have a drink and Matt joins them.  Gregg’s low grade beaver tranquilizer hasn’t worn off yet and he keeps calling him “Max”, while Papa Smurf drills Matt for deets on his upbringing, his blood type, and his inseam measurement.  We find out that Matt is only 28 years old, which sends the ATL men reeling.  Peter has a son that age, Gregg has older sons, and Chris has jeans that age.  Dayum, Kim needs to clean that closet!  The best part of this insipid scene is effin’ Bob Whitfield sitting and staring at I don’t know what because his crazy eyes can’t keep up!

Bob-crazy eye

The men are also shocked that Matt doesn’t have any kids, as if birth control is a foreign concept to them.  Matt grows tired, has words with Papa Smurf, and shuts it down like an illegal day care center.  Matt asks him to take a walk, but Peter is about 20 deep into his case of Red Stripe and he can’t risk breaking a hip, so he gives his standard line, “keep it movin’!”

The next morning, Kim is prepping for the ‘mercial and Chris has left the building due to his monthly tap dancing lesson and sewing class.  Kim has flown in her assistant director, Ham.  Gotta love a man named Ham, sounds like he knows how to get shit done!  Cynthia arrives camera ready and Kim goes to town, directing like a boss!

Kim Directing

Back at the resort, the rest of the gang is getting liquored up before piling on the party bus to head out to the ‘mercial location.  Phaedra starts questioning Kenya and Matt about their spa day, insinuating they did inappropriate things in the hot tub and Matt is squirming, because this acting job isn’t what he signed up for.  To hell with them, I’m with Gregg, who wins “most super awesome person” on this bus trip, because he has already checked out for his ol’ man mid-morning nap!

Kenya reviews the call sheet and notes that she isn’t listed, so naturally she takes umbrage and criticizes Kim by calling it “amateurish”.  It’s about 2:45 p.m. and a bad storm is rolling in, but Kim has faith it will pass as the party bus of extra rejects rolls up.  Kim is wrangling the group, and Kenya bitterly realizes she isn’t needed and decides to head out to sea to sulk on a paddleboat with Matt.  Nene and She by Shereé play stylists, and as they stand ashore clutching the bangles from wardrobe, they speculate why they only see Matt in the boat.  It appears Kenya is taking part in an oral transaction with Matt, rather than being supportive of her alleged BFF, Cynthia!  Priorities, beyotch!

Kenya paddle boat

Once they get back to shore, Kenya asks Matt how the men treated him and he called them beyotches and says that “the two ancient brothers” antagonized him by throwing cheap shots and shade, but Matt actually admits he was overly aggressive.

Kim wraps her production by 6 p.m. and everyone is very impressed after watching Kim in her element and directing the shit out of that ‘mercial!  Cynthia announces that she has ordered up unlimited mini-taquitos, lettuce wraps, and Jell-O shots for a wrap party that evening, while Kenya continues being jelly, sulking on her lounge chair with her fake boyfriend.

At the ‘mercial wrap party, Phaedra decides there’s no point in putting on clothing and she shows up in her slip.  Kenya joins the ladies and reveals that Matt is only 28 and Phaedra reacts in her usual way, “Guuuurrrl, you gonna be in the post office, there’s gonna be an alert on you!”  Matt saunters over to play pool with the men and he hands Papa Smurf his 18th Red Stripe as a “peace offering”.  The men make up instantly and now Matt has backup when Kenya turns on him.

Cynthia gives Kim props for her directing work and thanks everyone for being in the ‘mercial.  The subject changes to Chris, and everyone is going on and on about how talented, funny, and uuhhh-mayyyyzzz-ing he is.  She by Shereé, claims she is allergic to fake shit and feels the need to keep it real.  So the Chris chatter is more “fake” than She by Shereé being on a couple’s trip with her crazy-eyed ex?  Oy vey, what can ya’ do…who gon’ check her, boo?  She by Reaching Hard for that Peach blows the lid of the fakeness and tells Kim that things were said about Chris being “fruity or gay”, wow…she didn’t pull any Hawaiian Punches with that revelation!  Kim be chowing on her lettuce wraps like…

Wait What

Annnnd we are left hanging with “to be continued”!  Next week, Kim is ready to cut a beyotch after the fall out from She by Shit Stirring, Kandi and Todd work on their OLG menu, a Kenya/Kim showdown, and a Nene/Kenya standoff.

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