Best Friends for Never

The gang is off to Jamaica this week and they all have their own ways of packing for the trip.  Porsha is bringing her Costco sized bucket o’ Nair, cuz she ain’t planning on covering up her corn-fed ass.  Peter is sporting the Huckleberry Finn look.  Cynthia is packing her finest caftans so she can conceal her problem areas – the fact that she has yet to inform Kenya that she is not hired to direct her commercial and the fact that Cynthia and Nene have taped together that tore up friend contract.

Peter - Huckleberry Finn

Kim is packing everything, including her hubby, kids, contents of the playpen, and her nanny.  Since this is allegedly a “couple’s trip”, Kenya brings her new faux-boyfriend, Matt, who has weekly rates.  She by Shereé brings her ex-husband, Bob “one eye” Whitfield, which is a bit odd she threw water in his face and hired Counselor Parks to sue his ass for child support.  She by Shereé tells us that Bob is trying to work his way back into her life, but I’m not sure why she would let him…fool me with your bad eye once…

Bob Sheree

After they arrive in Jamaica, they board the party bus from hell to head to their hotel.  As is customary for any shuttle bus ride, someone must haul out the commercial-grade shit-stirring spoon… Phaedra decides this would be the perfect time to ask Cynthia who has been selected as director for the commercial.  Cynthia announces that Kenya missed the pitch meeting so she is going with Kim.  Kenya is seething in her vinyl seat and begins concocting a way to be involved.  Porsha is more concerned about why she isn’t “modelin’ in the ‘Mercial”, but Cynthia is spared giving a response as they arrive at the Moon Palace and Peter’s pride kicks in and he starts talking about Jamaica, his home country.

Back in the ATL, Kandi is doing a bunch o’ shit we don’t care about.  Kandi and Todd have a serious case of FOMO and they wish they could be on the trip.  Later, Kandi admits she doesn’t miss the drama, but then she tells Todd that they don’t need a nanny and Mama Joyce can move in for the first month of Baby Tucker’s life.  Way to avoid the drama.  Meanwhile, Todd is out in the garage fashioning a noose out of Kandi’s old jeggings.

Back in Jamaica, Cynthia calls for a sit down with Kim and Kenya.  Kim arrives first and tells Cynthia she saved more on the budget, which sends Cynthia into school girl giggles, Kim is really impressing her.  Kenya saunters in and Cynthia explains that Kim is killin’ it.  Although Kenya doesn’t say it right away, I think she is taking umbrage to this!!!  Kenya is appalled at Cynthia’s “lack of respect and professionalism” by making her decision without even hearing her pitch, but Kenya fails to see that she missed the actual “pitch meeting”, where she had said chance to be heard.  Cynthia apparently packed a small section of her back bone because she lays it down for Kenya and tells her what a “lack of respect” Kenya showed by blowing off the meeting.  Kenya then launches into a full-blown, bunny-boiling, psychotic attack on Kim.  Kenya goes off six ways from Sunday and throws out stupid insults like a three-year old.  Kenya asks Kim how many commercials she has directed and Kim tells her GOOGLE ME and look at my IMDB credits.  They start arguing, talking over one another.  Kenya calls her “Kim Tootie Fields, did Mrs. Garret teach you how to talk like that?”  If those are Kenya’s best insults, she is really reaching.  Kenya must get some extra Bravo Bucks for behaving like a horrifying shit pile.  Kim says her elevator doesn’t go down to this level and opts to leave, while Kenya decides to pull Kim’s chair out from under her.  With her personal space being invaded, Kim walks away and Cynthia is left at the table, feeling mortified, winded, and bereft.

Kim - Riled up

Kim returns to her suite and erupts in a stream of angry consciousness to her husband, Chris.  She is so riled up, she lets an expletive fly and quickly covers her mouth like the toddler that flushed the hamster down the toilet.  Chris explains this isn’t a prison basketball court and Kenya is just butt-hurt.  He gets a bit riled up too and they cry out a hearty JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

Meanwhile, Phaedra and Porsha are dancing around their suite and they are puffing up their hair like they are headed out for the third shift ho stroll.  They gossip about Kim bringing her kids, Phaedra is “befuddled” and points out that if Kim could bring her sitter, why couldn’t they have stayed home and they should be in school… “Get them off the breast and set yo’ nipples free!”  Oh Counselor Parks, you kill me.

Cynthia and Peter drop in to see Nene and Gregg before they surprise everyone at the group dinner from hell.  Cynthia drops the scoop about the commercial kerfuffle and Peter looks like he would rather have his balls shaved with an orbital sander than listen to this bull shit.  At the dinner, Nene and Gregg stroll in and receive some serious side-eye.  Even to more of everyone’s surprise, Nene announces that she and Cynthia have reunited in BFFL bliss.  Kenya’s head starts spinning 180° at the realization that nobody at the table gives a flying rat’s ass about her.

Peter turns the discussion to squashing the Kim/Kenya beef sangwich, but the now doubly butt-hurt Kenya would rather gouge her eyes out with spoons or light her ass on fire with a lantern than talk about it.  While everyone offers Kenya a spoon and a lantern, Kim tries to calmly explain the sitch, but Kenya and Matt leave the dinner entirely.  Phaedra makes a comment about Cynthia and Kenya being BFF and Nene goes into anaphylactic shock.  Cynthia tries to flip flop to diffuse the scuttlebutt, but Chris chimes in and tells Cynthia she is the only one who can crush all this commercial-grade beef.

The next day, they are headed out for a day trip to Kingston and they are all “getting ready”, translation = slamming drinks so they can tolerate one another.  Meanwhile, She by Shereé is workin’ harder than her color stay lip gloss to try and reclaim her peach!  She drops by Nene’s room to catch up and reaffirm that they have mended ways.  They discuss who is the real BFFL of Cynthia, and Nene deftly points out that Kenya is only a BFFN (best friend for now).  A real friend wouldn’t have put on such an attitude about directing the commercial.  Oh how the tables have turned, Nene claims to know what qualities constitute a real friend and everyone is clamoring for a friend contract with Cynthia.

Friend Contract

Cynthia gets a surprise at the door in the form of her sister, Malorie.  Apparently, Peter arranged for Mal to join them on the trip and no sooner than Cynthia can bask in her happiness of Peter finally “stepping it up”, She by Shereé is bustling over to Kenya’s room to be sure this fight gets started properly.  She by Shereé tells Kenya of the BFFL discussion she had with Nene and Cynthia is basically denying that she and Kenya are friends.  Meanwhile, Matt is laying in the bed looking like he would rather have a back alley colonic than listen to this conversation.

This news sends Kenya scurrying down to Cynthia’s room to confront her about the BFFL/BFFN situation.  Kenya excuses Malorie, but hands her a shiv she has fashioned out of a pooka shell and asks her stick close by in case she needs backup.  Kenya is stunned that Cynthia denied they were friends in the face of Nene’s reprise.  Cynthia tells her they are not BFF, but they are getting closer.  Kenya whines some more and Cynthia asks if she is “done” and then says they “gotta go, Peter is waiting.”  So I guess we’ll seal up this drama into a Ziploc freezer bag and save it for next week.

Next time – filming of the ‘mercial and She by Shereé informs Kim that the girls have been gossiping about Kim’s hubby “being fruity or gay”.

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