Brow Beat

This week, we continue to beat dead horses, we attend a “beat-less” brunch, and Kenya is deserving of a serious beat down!  Kim has made her weekly Costco run and along with her accoutrements for another excruciating group brunch, she has bought out the entire supply of makeup remover wipes.  For that is the theme of her ill-fated “Beat-less” brunch.  Apparently, the word “Beat” is a new-fangled slang term for setting your makeup gun to “whore” and applying more spackle than is needed to patch the holes punched in your walls after your spouse learns he is going to prison.

Kim greets her stylist, Victoria, whom she should fire tout de suite by the way.  Kim loves Victoria’s “great hair”, which explains Kim’s wig choices.  Kim dubs Victoria “the brunch whisperer”.  Victoria shouts “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL”, after Kim describes the group of heathens she will be hosting.  Her first tactical error is sending out a generic broadcast voice mail announcing the brunch.  If she is going to disallow lashes and Louboutin’s, I think that warrants a personal call.  We see each woman listening to the message and having their own version of melt-down, f*ck her, oh lawd, whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis reaction.

Kim - Victoria

Kandi and Todd are preparing to review baby duties and Todd thinks the extent of his daddy duties will be changing one diaper per day and being sure to wipe out all the “creases”.  They discuss hiring a nanny, but Kandi prefers a manny.  I think she should move Don Juan into her mini-mans and let him do all the work, he’s already her li’l beyotch.  Todd says this is his first time having a baby “from scratch”, but he’s going to have a rude awakening when he finds out it’s not like following an OLG Mac-n-Cheeze recipe.

An instructor from “Baby Steps” arrives and Todd shows off, he’s got this, he been “Googlin’ stuff”!  The woman from Baby Steps tells Kandi she is still nursing her own son at 19 months, “he asks for it by name”, she says proudly!  This revolts Kandi and Todd…oh and me!  This is wrong on so many levels, what name is he calling “it”…annnnnd I think if the child is old enough to converse, it’s time to move on to a sippy cup!

Meanwhile, across town…Phaedra and Ayden are making a birthday card for Apollo in an attempt to show that Phaedra is still pretending to GAF about his relationship with the boys.  Phaedra gives Ayden some stickers, but he says screw that, I want glitter glue!  A kid after my own heart!  He’s a little too excited about using the glue stick, I hope the young toughs haven’t taught him about huffing in the Boy’s bathroom!  Phaedra later visits her divorce lawyer and she is ready to move forward, but not ready to take the boys for a prison visit.  Randy Kessler, divorce attorney for everyone in the ATL, comes in representing Apollo, but he expects this to be fairly open-and-shut.

At the Cynthia Bailey Agency, school for wayward models, Cynthia meets with her team regarding the eyewear collection and she is ready to take it to the next level by way of a commercial.  One of her cronies is wearing sunglasses indoors and NOT from the CB collection!  She whips him into shape and gets her team on board for a Kim and Kenya commercial collaboration.  Her vision is beaches, sand, and cocktails and my vision is another Bravo mandated group vacation from hell spread out over the next six episodes.

It’s the big day of the “Beat-less Brunch” from hell and everyone is on their way, of course wearing some form of makeup.  Kandi is sporting her Urkel glasses from the Cynthia Bailey collection and her lip smacker in chicken-n-waffles flavor.  She picks up Kenya, who is rebelling by wearing her usual heavy makeup, but frankly, she needs it.  Her face looks like the surface of Mars.  Something about riding in Kandi’s big F150 gets Kenya all riled up, she is insulted and prepped to arrive at the brunch, guns a’ blazin’.

Guns Blazin

Phaedra arrives at the party in a “natural beat” and Kim tells her to “check your lashes at the door!”  Porsha arrives all made up straight from work, and has a Skype sesh right after with some rando she met in the parking lot.  Porsha distracts Kim by sussing out the smell of the fried chicken and making a beeline for her assigned seat.  Cynthia is about as Au natural as she can be, but probably the only one that would look descent without any makeup, however she needs to address her roots.  She by Shereé arrives with her signature top knot and claims that her face is always “beat” makeup or no makeup!

Kim looks like she is weary and tired from cleaning cheese doodles out of the couch cushions, but she has never really spackled herself up for the camera.  Cynthia uses the opportunity to “touch base” with Kim and Kenya about directing her eyewear commercial and announces she has planned a group trip to Jamaica.  Everyone is excited and Phaedra throws some shade by saying she will need to consult with Kenya on her contacts at “Rent-a-Date”, she will need a three day special.

Kim distributes the goody bags, comprised of items she picked up at the “Dollar Spot” at Target.  Each woman receives a compact mirror, a notebook, and pen so they can write a poem about natural beauty.  I get it, it’s corny as f*ck, but Kenya doesn’t have to act like an unwashed asshole all the time.  Kenya starts giving some makeup history lesson, something about Egyptians, and her makeup being an expression of herself.  Jeezuz… If you are playing the drinking game at home, the word is BEAT!  You have been BEAT to death.  Your blood alcohol content is lethal, please call an Uber and proceed to the nearest emergency room.

Kenya - Umbrage

Kenya just can’t STFU and eat her shrimp-n-grits, NOOOOO…she must “take umbrage” with Kim.  Clearly, Kim has hit a nerve with this no makeup thing and Kenya should have stayed home in her rat-infested halfway house.  After the “umbrage” comment, Kim counterblasts by giving Kenya her best “dead in the eyes” look, shrugs, and says “OK”.  Kenya combats by calling her “dismissive” and Kim explains she was just swallowing her food.  With that, the ladies start to excuse themselves because it’s going to take each of them three hours to take their makeup off.

Kim - Brunch

Later, Cynthia sits down to meet with Kim and Kenya, and she picks a public place to avoid any overt confrontations.  Although, crisis is averted because Kenya is a no-show. Cynthia calls Kenya to see if she is en route, but she is met with a “noooo I’m not going to make it”, as if Cynthia’s pitch meeting was tantamount to a Skype sesh with Porsha.

Kenya is allegedly dealing with a crisis at her broke-down rat-hole home, but we see that the “crisis” is entertaining her latest “rent-a-date”, Matt.  She invites him over to perform some “handy-work” so he can feel “needed”.  Translation = Matt is holding a drill and walking around free ballin’ in his sweatpants.

Kim is totally profesh, she shows Cynthia some storyboards and delivers a polished pitch.  Cynthia emphasizes that her eyewear line is the gateway to her “accessories empire” and she insists on having Kenya involved.  Kim makes it very clear that she is usually Producer/Director, she does not co-direct, and she is not interested in working in a negative atmosphere.  Annnnd let’s face it, Kenya is the conductor of the train that’s a rollin’ straight to crazy town, but Cynthia is hell-bent on a collaboration.  Cynthia is stupid and the gateway to her accessories empire will not be within reach if Kenya is involved.

Next time, the gang heads to Jamaica, Nene shows up, and Kenya alludes to Kim’s husband being “fruity”.


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