50 Shades of Mama Drama

The first shade of mama drama this week revolves around Kandi, her impending son, and her own Mama Joyce.  Sidebar:  Kandi’s son, Ace, has arrived into this world!  Let’s hope he and Ayden become BFF’s and rule the ATL!  Snoopy snow cones and bowties for everyone!

Anyway…Kandi and Mama go crib shopping and all we learn here is that Mama intends on having her own crib so she can monopolize the baby, but Kandi is more focused on the crib style over function because she plans to give the baby’s room a complete re-decorate every six months.  Kandi slips and lets Mama know about her fallout with Counselor Parks, and Mama Joyce revs up her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death swingin’ arm and plans to pay Phaedra a visit.  With Kandi being “high-risk”, she and her Wal-Mart Wedgie will take matters into their own hands.  Kandi gives Mama the stink eye and a hard “NO”, but Mama DGAF (doesn’t give a f*ck) and is already in an Uber on her way to the Counselor’s office.

Mama Joyce arrives and we are treated to a flashback of Mama’s last visit to the Counselor’s office where she admonished Phaedra for introducing “two short people with big heads”.  Phaedra gives her a wary welcome because she knows Mama Joyce ain’t droppin’ by for tea and crumpets.

Phaedra - Wary

They discuss the fallout, and Mama drops subtle hints that she just might thunder punch Phaedra in the face, “I don’t want Kandi to have any problems, I would never want anyone to do anything to hurt her, or to cause her to be upset in any way, because you know Mama Bear…you know me.”  Phaedra whips out a Phunerals by Phaedra Prayer Cloth, blots her brow, and assures Mama that she and Kandi have taken counsel from Life Coach, Matt Foley and they are back on the right track.

Back on Track

Mama disguises her death-wish visit by asking Phaedra to assist in planning a baby shower for Kandi.  Lawd Jezzuz…it’s a fire!  Phaedra loves an element of surprise with any party she plans and they brainstorm a few ideas and come up with “Coming to Atlanta”, which will incorporate lions, tigers, bears, wild wildebeests in pillowcases, and hopefully a sighting of Dwight’s party plannin’ nose!

Later, Phaedra stops by Todd’s office to check on progress of the pregnancy work out video she never plans to release.  She is not pleased with the quality of said never to be released video, but she is more than pleased to whip out her arsenal of insults.  She keeps jabbing at Todd about how his jobs are dried up and he needs the money, so she will cough up the $8K.  Phaedra ain’t sweatin’ it, she has JOBZZZZZ.  This is all being nicely established for reunion fodder, after Kandi sees the things Phaedra said about her huzzzband, I am sure she will show up with props in the form of her own Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death.

Phaedra clues Todd in on the big baby shower plan and asks Todd if he plans to be in the delivery room.  Phaedra revolts him by reenacting every gut wrenching, flesh shredding, intestine twisting detail of her own c-section.  I surmise this is just to continue to make Todd look like a miniature dolt who DGAF about the baby.

In other inappropriate Mama Drama, Papa Smurf has a mystery date planned for his bride and Cynthia has her daughter, Noelle, helping her pack for the trip.  Call me kooky, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for Cynthia to ask her daughter for packing advice for her makeup-sex romp in Mexico with Papa Smurf.  Umm…EW!  Let alone asking Noelle what she thinks about her giving Peter another chance.  The two discuss their relationship philosophies and Noelle reveals she is “one and done” typa gal, piss her off and she’s done…Adios…in an Uber to the nearest Sports One to get fondled by the staff.  Umm…EW!  Cynthia gives her some lecture about commitment, this from the woman who thinks divorce is an option.  Blah, blah, blah…Papa Smurf and Cynthia are off to Mexico, sans cameras.  Which is really a win-win – they get some privacy and we don’t have to look at them acting gross this week.

In the “not yet a Mama Drama” portion of our show, Porsha is “sexercising” with her trainer “DP”, Umm, EW, and Lauren arrives at Porsha’s request.  Porsha pulls her aside for a stability ball summit to discuss the fact that Lauren is slacking on her personal assistant duties and missed a delivery of some of Porsha’s janky lingerie, which cost Porsha Enterprises $4.00.  Lauren, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, throws down a masterful counterstrike;  a) she’s pregnant, b) who else is going to put up with Porsha’s bullshit, not steal her money, and agree to fly coach? and c) who in their right mind is going to delouse Porsha’s wigs?  Porsha is a bit dumbfounded and mumbles something about beating around mulberry bushes, but the two appear to be at stability ball impasse.

Stability Ball Summit

Later, over grocery store flowers and a Costco apple and caramel dip tray, Porsha offers a half-corn-fed ass apology.  Turns out that our trusty Counselor Parks talked some sense into Porsha, “jobs come, jobs go, but sisters are 4-EVA!”  Lauren admits she was hesitant to tell Porsha about her pregnancy for fear that her loving sissy would “feel some typa way” about it.  “Typa way” meaning Justin Bieber jealous, Oprah Winfrey childless, and third shift hooker continually being stood up on Skype, typa way.  Porsha assures Lauren that she is all good in the hood as she begins pummeling her face with apple slices and ladling gobs of caramel dip down her gullet, in an extreme eating challenge typa way.

Kenya’s ongoing Mama Drama continues as she is planning a family reunion in Detroit.  This is all a bit heavy, but we get a humorous part here where Brandon gives Kenya shit about dating losers and he does an impression of Walter the tow truck drivin’ flake.  Kenya is able to laugh about it, and I am dejected because I had finally eliminated that tired story line from my psyche.  Kenya takes her entourage, which includes her father, nephew, and step-mother on a tour of Detroit in a space bus.  Oh, whadda ya’ know, they are right in front of Kenya’s deadbeat mom’s home!  Her dad wants her to let it go and reveals that Kenya’s mother, Patricia, abandoned her because her own father didn’t want his child having illegitimate children.  Ronald and Patricia were only 16 and unwed when she got pregnant and she had to pretend Kenya was not her child.  In light of this, I would venture to say that Patricia is probably in a great deal of pain over this as well.  However, our dogged li’l Kenya has the white-hot determination of a 1,000 suns.  She takes her earrings off and heads off to beat down deadbeat mom’s door.  As Kenya goes to the door, we see that Bravo has put a modesty patch around the whole house to protect Patricia’s identity. Kenya knocks and demand Patricia open up, but she only hears the sound of 18 door locks engaging.  Brandon watches from the window of the space bus, salivating with anticipation, but of course, deadbeat mom never answers the door.

Party Bus - deadbeat mom

The next day is the family reunion and it seems that Kenya has plenty of family to go around on her father’s side.  She has left Patricia in the past, no matter how heartbreaking.  What reunion wouldn’t be complete without custom tee-shirts printed for everyone that read “Kenya’s Family Reunion!”  Oh Miss USA, you are so cheeky in your self-absorption!   Kenya learns that Aunt Lori has hopped in an Uber and split after 10 minutes because Aunt Lori is upset that Kenya attempted to make contact with Patricia (Aunt Lori’s deadbeat sister).  So, I presume we can look forward to a confrontation scene next week between Kenya and Lori.

Next week, the Million Man March, annnnd as I suspected, a Lori/Kenya stability ball showdown, and Nene returns…BLOOP!


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