Dramatic Departures

Shamea and Porsha are still pathetically trying to play “Never Have I Ever” and it takes a disturbing turn, an admission to receiving a golden shower by Porsha and She by Shereé!  I can’t pour enough bleach into my brain to erase that thought and Kim can’t take it either.  She slinks away to call her hubby and find out if her kids enjoyed their Spaghettio’s.  We all know that phone call wasn’t necessary, what kid doesn’t like Spaghettio’s?!?!

The drunken ends their boat ride and arrives back at the house.  Kandi is rustled from her quiet evening at home, she is tired, pregnant, and get off my lawn cranky.  Rightfully so, her fellow Army of skanks has dragged home a bunch of random strangers to party into the wee hours of the night.  Kandi and Kim have a seat off to the side of the action and Tammy’s nephew, Glen, starts giving Kandi attitude.  He looks like he smells of a hard mix of taco grease and ass cheese.  I don’t know if he’s hammered, high on Miami bath salts, or both…but this dude ain’t right.

Glen - Kandi

The rest of the girls are in the hot tub and try to lure the strange men over to join them.  Porsha is in full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ THOT mode and she is twerkin’ for Oliver.  They head over to the shallow end of the pool and Oliver goes ass over teakettle and does the splits.  Kim and Kandi hold up their scorecards and give him an 8.5.  Glen continues to get aggressive with the women in the hot tub and Kenya is pissed that he won’t give her the time of day.  Kenya rallies Kandi into her corner, who supports her feelings about Glen and prompts her to call SECURITY, even using air quotes.

Tammy staggers out of the house with another beer and Kenya asks her to address the Glen issue.  Tammy has no problem telling him it’s time to go, but doesn’t appear as if she can remember what she said one nano-second ago.  Kim has whipped out her Prayer Cloth by Phaedra and whispers a “fix it, Jesus” under her breath.  Porsha actually takes a cue and sends Oliver home.  Of course, having Tammy calmly walk Glen and friend out the door would be too sane, so leave it to Kenya to blow open her box o’ crazy.  She starts yelling to him that he has to leave because he made everyone feel uncomfortable.  She by Shereé and Phaedra are shocked and claim they were fine.

Kenya-Security2

Glen charges at Kenya and calls her a “little bitch”, which I am pretty sure is tattooed somewhere on his body.  SECURITY barrels in, full force and effect, AND THEN…holy jumpin’ crap…Glen actually shoves his aunt Tammy out of the way and throws her down on the marble floor, she is knocked out cold!  She by Shereé starts screaming “call an amb-a-lance!”  SECURITY hog ties Glen and sends him out with the rest of the trash.

Tammy - Fall

The ambulance arrives to check out Tammy, and Kandi and Kenya watch from the safety of their bedroom balcony.  Kandi is up Kenya’s ass giving her props for kicking the men out.  The rest of the gang feels that Kenya threw fuel on the fire and handled it poorly, as usual.  Kenya gets a little shitty with Kim, and heck…like her shirt says “Who Gon’ Kick Me, Boo?”  Nobody, that’s who!  Kim packs her shit and bounces to go lose her mind at the nearest Comfort Inn.  The group hashes it out and when Kandi reveals that Glen got aggressive with her, then the rest bunch comes around to Kenya’s corner.

Kim - kick me boo

The next day, Kandi announces her departure to Kenya, who comes bearing breakfast.  Kandi gladly eats the bacon while informing her that she can’t take it anymore either.  Tammy and Glen apparently hopped the gate and came back to the house, like “Children of the Cornrows”.  The ladies made a spoof horror video of Tammy’s return, mocking her as she stood at the door in her hospital gown and socks.  Cynthia is not happy with them, but of course won’t speak up.

Tammy - Returns

In a “the more you know” moment, Phaedra is crying to She by Shereé because she feels Kenya’s actions have shed bad light on yet another African American man who has done nothing wrong.

The more you know

Later everyone boards the party bus from hell for the day outing driving around on mini-Hummers.  Cynthia decides to call Tammy to check on her, she didn’t have a concussion, just bruises, and her voice has been lowered another octave.

That night, Porsha goes on a date with Oliver, and pretends to be sweet and innocent.  She acts all coy when he goes in for a kiss and rebuffs him, but a second later she is twerkin’ on the table in front of him.  She returns to the house at 1:00 a.m. and wakes everyone up to brag about her uneventful date with a man she will likely never see gain.  They all pile into the same bed like best girlfriends and have a good laugh.  Cynthia is glad they had the “do-over” trip and Porsha calls for a “big ol’ hug and a breast bump”.

Back in the ATL, Kim is safe and happy at home and she catches up with her hubby.  Kim doesn’t trust Kenya and her pot stirring, how does she know Kenya won’t wake up at 2:00 a.m. and say “hey Kim, I don’t like the fact that you roller skated in ‘79, I want you gone!”  They reflect on Kenya’s request for professional collaboration, but Kim isn’t putting up with any foolishness unless Kenya is bringing her “Game of Thrones” type material.

Which leads to… the final showdown at the end of the episode.  Kim and Kenya meet for lunch at a place called “Wine and Tap”, which doesn’t have a liquor license and they don’t even have a damn cranberry juice box for Kim.

Kenya confronts Kim about why she left Miami and insinuates that Kim is struggling with her balancing her home life and senseless trips chock full of soul-sucking manufactured drama.  Kim waves a finger and sets her straight, and quick.  Kim said it wasn’t about missing her husband, but rather she did not feel safe, there were behaviors that crossed the line, and Tammy was thrown to the ground by her own nephew and was injured.  “Let me be clear sweetie, when you provoke somebody and accuse them of things, that’s not something I’m going to take part in.”  Kenya tries to backpedal and say that wasn’t how it happened.  Kim knows Kenya will keep justifying her actions and she gives her an “at the end of the day” speech… she didn’t feel safe so she left.  Kenya appreciates the fact that they smoothed it over and they can show mutual respect and agree to disagree, but I don’t see friendship in their future.  Kim assures Kenya that she doesn’t use her family as an excuse to bounce.  Annnnd Kim wins the round!

Kim - kenya talk

Next week…Ayden is ready for kindergarten and tells Phaedra, “I’m always going to be your baby”…SWOON, and Don Juan’s pink panties are in a bunch.

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