Miami Meltdown

Porsha and Kenya have planned a “re-do” of the Lake Lanier debacle and the wildebeests are Miami bound.  Porsha can’t believe she and Kenya are on such good terms because in the past they have been like “oil and vinegar”.  That’s right…they have been acting like douches.

Speaking of that “not so fresh feeling”, this episode is clearly filler for the big drama that Bravo has been teasing where Kenya calls SECURITY on some unwanted guests.  C’mon Bravo executives, give a blogger something she can use… like some Tyson® Grilled & Ready Chicken Chunks or a Tide To Go Stain Eraser!

The gals are off to get their rabies shots and do a little pre-trip instigating, and by this, I mean Kenya setting up Tammy for a brawl.  Kenya and She by Shereé have assembled at Moore Manor where they lay out the game plan, Tammy is Bob’s “best friend” with benefits, she likes to Velcro braids from the Miley Cyrus collection to her head, and she has a past just like everyone else!  Stage set!

Cheers

The Louis Vuitton luggage is unloaded at the ATL airport and we get a chance to see Tammy’s husband, who is white, preppy, and clean cut.  Of course, Kenya is already eyeing him up.  Cynthia pledges to put her “best foot forward”, pun intended!  Kim is leery about leaving her family for three days.  On the party bus from hell, they decide to work out how rooms will be assigned and Kim suggests it go by “most famous”, but they give Kandi the master suite since she is pregnant.

Porsha sent her minion Shamea “shimmy shimmy cocoa puff” to the venue ahead of time to prep the house prior to the gang’s arrival.  The place is pretty amazing, but I am distracted by Phaedra’s romper.  It looks the used remnant bin at the fabric store threw up all over her body.  While Shamea is busy walking around half nekkid and Phaedra is taking selfies with her ham hock leg up in the air, Kim decides to lay claim to the living room so she can sleep on the rented chaise, watch the big screen television, and have an ocean view.  Tammy invades Kim’s area and Kim quickly realizes she will need to fashion a door out of the bath mat.  In Kenya’s lair, she takes the opportunity to thow shade on Tammy and does an impression of her waddling around swilling a Corona.  Cynthia admits she is quirky and weird, but she prefers that over mean, nasty, and shady as hell.

Kenya wastes no time stirring the pot, she tells She by Shereé that Tammy said nasty things about her and she drops the “gold digger” bomb.  She by Shereé thinks Tammy must be jelly because Tammy’s baby daddy didn’t put a ring on it.

So Jelly

She by Shereé reveals that Tammy and Bob hooked up…well, DUH!

Duh

Shamea finally puts on some clothes and makes a rather horrid choice from the Miley Cyrus collection.  It’s some sort of white dress with neon green overlay that looks like underwear.  Meanwhile, Kandi is ready to go and she is gettin’ cranky because the posse is late for dinner.  Them chicken fingers ain’t gonna eat themselves!

Once at dinner, Kim makes an announcement that she may be roller skatin’ on out because she has never spent more than one day away from her family.  And by gosh, she is just “too famous” for this crowd.

Kenya compliments Tammy on her husband “looking cute”, Tammy refers to him as “CWB”, cute white boy and they have been together 13 years.  She by Shereé casually leans over, as if she is going to say, “pass the chicken finger platter”, but instead she confronts Tammy about the alleged Bob problem between them.  Tammy chokes on her mac-n-cheese and explains that Bob was being portrayed as a deadbeat dad in the press during the messy divorce and She by Shereé doesn’t miss a beat, “have you seen copies of cancelled checks?”  BAM!

Tammy explains she was just being protective of her friend, but leave it to She by Shereé to put her balls on the table and straight up ask Tammy if she was being so protective because she slept with Bob.  Tammy has officially soiled her underpants at this point and she pretends to be appalled by the question.  She by Shereé confirms that Bob mentioned Tammy’s name as one of his conquests.  Tammy says she is not attracted to Bob at all, he is so gross and who would ever want him, oh and she didn’t even realize there would be any drama between her and She by Shereé?  Have ya’ seen the show, Tammy?

Tammy wants to know where She by Shereé heard all this insanity and the finger points right to Kenya.  Kenya back pedals, front pedals, side steps, and twirls.  Kim is appalled that “grown ass women” are talkin’ like this” and she throws out some “food for thought”… “there is a difference between information and instigation.”  Keyna thinks Dr. Kim can stuff it back in her afro and Kim shoots Kenya a look that says “I SEE WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT, BEYOTCH!”  They wind the dinner up and as they board the party bus, Phaedra is using Tammy’s braids as reigns and they are galloping like horses.  HA!

The next day, the group plans to spend the day on a yacht.  As the ladies ready for the outing, Kim and Phaedra discuss the drama from the night before.  Kim feels there’s a better way to discuss things.  Phaedra tells Kim that Kenya is “messy boots” and Kim will learn the hard way.  Meanwhile, Kenya and She by Shereé rehash in their own way, how dare Kim come for Kenya, when Kenya clearly did not send her twirling monkeys for her!  Conclusion drawn:  Kim Fields has no place in this insane HO posse.

Phaedra is dressed in a red cover up that she ran through her Office Max shredding buddy a few too many times.  Alas, Porsha is wearing something similar, they must have hit the “Forever 21” slut section together.

Shredded outfits

Kandi takes a pass on the boat trip due to doctor’s orders for her to stay out of the heat.  WISE MOVE, and Kim probably should have offered to stay behind with her and give her an energizing leg massage.  The ladies board the yacht, get hammered, dance around half nekkid, and SHOCKER… Kim is horrified.  They arrive at a bar to keep drinkin’ up and Kim orders a juice box.  Porsha immediately picks up some rando dudes, because hey…she usually prefers her coffee black, but she can go for some “latin spice”!

Kim goes off by herself to have a melt down and Phaedra swoops in to comfort her.  Kim is struggling to “find herself” and she isn’t fitting in with the group.  Ummm…Kim, NEWSFLASH…that’s a good thing!  Kim would rather be vacationing with her family and she’s not comfortable hanging out with a bunch of slutbags.  I am wondering if Kim has a touch of child star-itis, in that she never cultivated friendships growing up and now she has no clue how to have adult friendship outside of her mate.  Counselor Parks gives her a good ol’ “at the end of the day, it is what it is” speech and notes that she would miss her hubby too if he wasn’t such a reprehensible person with no sense of propriety, decency, or discretion.  Phaedra is giving it her best shot trying to relate to Kim, she really does struggle, y’know, on Father’s Day and ummm…when light bulbs go out around the house.

Kim Crying

Kim appreciates her and Phaedra’s “budding” friendship and they return to the group.  The gang is already eating lunch and they didn’t even make room for Kim and Phaedra, so they have to sit separately… again, not a bad thing.  Tammy has disappeared but resurfaces with her nephew, Glen and his friend Jaron.  Kenya is already eyeballing Glen and they find out that Glen is a wannabe NBA player and he kept the bench warm for the Wizards last season.  Porsha and Shamea invite their additional random strangers back to the house.  Cynthia makes a prudent move and decides it’s time to switch to water, while Porsha has the brilliant idea to play the drinking game, “Never Have I Ever”.  Kenya snaps her fingers at Glen and asks him what his name is again, to which he takes great offense.  I am sure this is the lead up for next week when we hear Kenya wailing…“SECURITY!”

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