Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.

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