The Future is so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Well everybody, the shady ladies of the ATL are back and who the hell needs a NENE when you have a TOOTIE?!?!  That’s right ladies and gents…we have a new ATL housewife in the ranks.  Kim Fields from the 80’s hit show “The Facts of Life” has joined the cast, although she is not joining the drama until next week.  We got a brief preview of the drama packed season and there isn’t enough false eyelash glue in all of the ATL to keep this shit together.

Let’s start with the taglines:

  • Phaedra: “Only God can judge me, and he seems quite impressed.”  That is sooooo Phaedra.
  • Porsha: “I’m about to give you life, so stay outta my way.”  She hopped off her crazy train and fought her way out of the Underground Railroad to reclaim her peach!
  • Cynthia: “Seasons may change, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style.”  Annnd…Cynthia Bailey is now talking about herself in third person.
  • Kandi: “I’m a hit maker, and this year I will reveal the best one.”  Baby on the way, sure to be her biggest hit (and weight) yet.
  • Kenya: “Don’t come for me unless I twirl for you.”  This twirling shit is soooo season five…

She is not on the intro reel yet, but Kim’s tagline will be:  “Faith, family, and career, those are the facts of my life!”  She and Phaedra will surely bond…FIX IT JESUS!

We get a brief catch up on each lady, Kandi is cleaning out her closet with fervor.  Many things must go to Goodwill because she has a baby bump and her 80’s clothes no longer fit.  During her doctor visit, we learn that she and Todd went through IVF and her bun in the oven is 12 weeks along.  We also learn that Todd did not have a relationship with his own daughter until she was older, must have been a real hood-rat, baby mama situation.  They are hoping for a boy, but may just have to settle for 10 fingers and toes…Dr. Jackie tells Kandi to cut back on her schedule and slow the hell down.  Well there goes the Kandi Koated Empire, down the drain!

Later, Kandi and Todd are cleaning out their garage, but Todd is storing a bunch of Apollo’s personal artifacts.  This segues into the fact that Kandi and Phaedra are not in a good place and Phaedra apparently never paid Todd for his work on a secondary fitness DVD.  When will these two learn to stop “helping” friends with work and expecting to be paid?  Have we learned nothing from “Tardy for the Party”?!?!?  Todd pushes Kandi to say something to Phaedra, but she is with child damnit, and refuses to be his goon.

Still later yet, Kandi prepares for Cynthia’s eyewear launch party drama brawl and struggles to find an outfit that will flatter her ever-changing figure.  The only thing that makes this scene worth mentioning is what Todd says, he scoffs at the dress sized “small” that Kandi has laid out for herself.  She claims that’s “all she has” and he says “babe you been to medium, stop playin’!”  Poor Kandi can’t even wear something and look cute.  She throws on a tent dress and looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha rolls up to Phaedra’s home in a Rolls Royce, hmm…Dish Nation must be paying her too much.  Phaedra says she and Porsha have “become bosom buddies, got milk?”  Ummm…I don’t even know what that means, but EWW!  Phaedra gives us an update, she is making her way through the craziness of life and if she can survive “garage mania”, she can survive anything.  We are treated to a revisit of one of my all-time favorite scenes in ATL history, when Apollo went nuts throwing around a bucket o’ hinges and revving a power drill at his soon to be estranged wife.  In Porsha’s world, she has a new 24 year old man who picked her up via Instagram, but she doesn’t know if she’s attracted to him with his clothes off, yet!  But enough about that, Porsha is ready to dish on Cynthia…

We see Peter barking at Cynthia while she is downing a glass of colossal wine and staring at her smartphone.  There is a video on Instagram of some chick whispering in Peter’s ear while he has his hand on her neck and then he runs his hand down her chestal region and there is clearly a boob graze.  FOUL ON THE PLAY!  “Papa Smurf is a little horny”, declares counselor Parks.

Peter is trying to minimize his behavior on the damning video, but Cynthia is dressed in black and ready to plan his Phuneral by Phaedra.  “It’s inappropriate and embarrassing!” she shrieks.  Cynthia has heard cheating rumors before and now she is a doubting Thomas.  See what I did there… with Peter’s last name being Thomas, and all…

Cynthia - Peter

Anyhoo, Papa Smurf has been spending a lot of time in Charlotte at Sports “I drained my wife’s bank account” Bar One, and Cynthia can’t keep tabs on him like she used to.  She is distraught about this video, more because of the gargantuan amount of shit she is going to catch from her cast mates.  However, the new sunglass mogul must soldier on… she has an eyewear launch party to plan, damnit!

But we digress… We get to meet Porsha’s new baby man, Duke, who has been sniffing around her wallet for about a month.  She paid for a hotel room near the city so they could meet there and relax, and so she doesn’t have to buy the Costco sized bottle of Oxy Clean to get the unsavory stains out of her own sheets.  Duke plays safety for the Buffalo Bills and he has the couth and sophistication of a kindergartener.  Porsha likes the fact that he’s so “into” her wallet and he appreciates her winning personality.  Sugar mama has the “cupcake” champagne and strawberries ready, but Duke has no idea he’s supposed to feed her the strawberries and he pops one in his mouth and he’s all like “wha?”  Porsha stops him and provides detailed instructions on how to pamper her.  Ugg…Porsha, he’s 24, the only thing he understands is “Netflix and chill”.  I think the final nail in his coffin here is when they trot off to the bedroom and he slings a Charlie Brown backpack over his shoulder.  Have we learned nothing from the Apollo Nida Backpack files?

Apollo backpack

Kenya is twirling down a shady road with passenger Cynthia so she can show off the ramshackle disaster foreclosure she bought in Buckhead, about 500 feet away from the stalled out Château by Shereé.  During the ride, Cynthia asks Kenya for her opinion on Peter Thomas video-gate, but Kenya smartly pleads the fifth.  She does offer to head out to Charlotte and beat his ass, however.  The two arrive at Château by Shereé and surmise that it is about finished, but not lived in.  After they pull up to Moore Manor, Cynthia is a bit taken aback at the structure before her lying in the ditch.  Kenya guarantees it will be fabulous when her renovations are done, but Cynthia is too preoccupied with the brown recluse spider trying to make a home in her weave.

The Cynthia Bailey train is on the move on the Underground Railroad and she meets with her sister Malorie for a quick counseling sesh.  Cynthia straight up asks Mal if she thinks Peter is cheating and, of course, Mal is going to bash the ever lovin’ blue shit right outta Papa Smurf.  Mal starts asking probing questions and she finds out that Cynthia is in love with Peter, but she is not attracted to Peter’s naked, disgusting, shriveled up body.  Ummm…DOUBLE EWW.  Cynthia doesn’t consider the damning video as a deal breaker and she wants to make her marriage work.  Mal holds Cynthia’s weave away from her face while she has a good cry.

Later, the ladies arrive at Cynthia’s eyewear launch shindig, but Cynthia is MIA.  She is applying Preparation H to her under eyes to reduce the puffiness from her Peter tears.  Everyone seems to be getting along well, at least they are being cordial.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton shows up looking like she got into a fight with a roll of UL Certified electrical tape.  Kenya starts up about her house and she renames Château by Sheree as Château She Can’t Pay.

Peter shows up to the event and rolls off the elevator as if he’s Kanye…oh wait, he’s not that bad.  Kenya, the ever talented welcoming committee, launches into Papa Smurf right out of the tree and they have an argument.

Kenya-Peter Argue

Peter walks away pissed off and Kenya and Marlo run off to dish all the Papa Smurf dirt to the group.  Malorie sidles up and has apparently had a few too many glasses of the mystery punch and she tells the group that Cynthia is revolted by naked Smurf man.  While the ladies puke in their complimentary goody bags, Cynthia makes her grand entrance in a flowing white caftan, which she slings over her shoulder to flash her nether regions and reveal she is wearing a white bikini.  Feast your Cynthia Bailey eyewear on dat’ ASS!

She by Shereé arrives and some are excited to see her, some not so much.  Kenya can’t help herself and starts in on She by Cant’ Pay immediately.  She tells She by Shereé that the whole neighborhood has been complaining about her broke ass Château and the fact that it’s not finished.  She by Shereé stabs back at Kenya claiming she has a mold infested house and then we’re off… as if Kenya slashed her air mattress, She by Shereé goes into her howler monkey voice.

Sheree Argue

As the random drama over dilapidated McMansions intensifies, Kandi resorts to her trustiest coping skill and she makes a beeline for a passing by platter of chicken thumbs with dipping sauce.  It continues to get crazy between the two wildebeests and She by Shereé almost throws her drink at Kenya.  WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO?!?!

Check Me Boo

Next week, Kim Fields enters the scene and Phaedra and Kandi finally face off.

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