Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

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