Well this finale was about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room. The ATL broads seemed to recede gently into the night this week… that is until the reunion where the misguided insults and weave scraps will be flying around faster than Apollo with a power tool.
Nene is in NYC prepping for her Broadway debut with yet another bad wig. She takes Brentt and Gregg out on the actual stage where she will realize her dreams and Gregg is completely gob smacked. Later, she meets with the director to go over a few final notes from her last rehearsal and her nerves are running amuck. She notes that the only cast mate who contacted her was Phaedra via text. Yeah, it’s lonely at the top…oh and when you act like a raging hemorrhoid, inflamed with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Nevertheless, Nene receives a standing ovation and as she exits the stage door, she is hounded for autographs and photos by her fans.
Cynthia and Peter are packing up the old Bar None and Cynthia is excited to be Peter’s new partner at the new Bar None, despite the fact that it will burn up the last of her modelin’ money. They reminisce about the mediocre times they had in the old bar and fold up Cynthia’s larger than life sized portrait…which Peter plans to hang up in his other new bidness venture that he neglected to tell his wife about, “Peter’s Brew!” Peter shows her the space and mentions that it’s only $1,500 a month and it’s a goldmine! As he is trying to convince her that the coffee shop will pay the bills while the new Bar One is still being scavenged for scrap metal, he is saved by the bell and receives a call from inmate, Apollo Nida. Apollo grumbles about not being able to see his children, Phaedra the devil, blah blah blah. Don’t you have some toilets to scrub, Nida? Cynthia decides to stay out of the chocolate mess, but Peter has no qualms blurting out that Phaedra has filed for divorce annnnnd just in time, Apollo’s telephone time is shut down like a strip club serving rancid clams!
Meanwhile, across town, Phaedra is at home busily botching up snowman cookies with her sons. Phaedra explains to us that the prison has specific rules for children and infants, and it’s in Kentucky so she can’t just hop on the back of Bun’s crotch rocket motorcycle and take a day trip. Besides, this woman can barely make snowman cookies that don’t resemble a blob of baby puke. But the ever-handy Ms. Parks whips out her round cookie cutter from the Martha Stewart collection to try to salvage the deformed snowmen. Life twirls on…
Kandi and Todd are heading to see Mama Joyce for her housewarming party. Todd is already having a cocktail in a red Solo cup to remove the razor sharp edge that goes along with visiting his mother in law from hell. Todd asks Kandi if they need to take anything and Kandi laughs, (and gets line of the night), “uhhh…I took the house over there!”
When they arrive, Todd barrels up in his large pickup truck and destroys some grass and a Malibu light. Riley adds to the tension, pointing out that Mama won’t be happy because she “already doesn’t like you”. Yes, YOU Todd! Mama Joyce is prancing around in her Joyce DeWitt wig from “the formative years collection”, and she takes credit for doing all the cooking, but her sassy sisters rat her out. Kandi decides this is the time to announce that Todd’s job will be keeping him in L.A. and she will be moving there for a few months! I sense that she has not mentioned this to Riley, who appears super pissed. Riley plays the “what about school and my future” card, but to no avail. Mama Joyce looks like she is about to spew venom into Todd’s eyes and wield her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death, but instead she gives the patented “half-assed” apology that she learned from watching RHNJ. She apologizes to Todd “if” she has said anything to offend him and for repeating what she heard on the street about his mother. Kandi is thrilled about the non-apology, but Todd doesn’t think it’s genuine.
In cray cray Kenya land, she has put together her pilot and is hosting a screening party for the ladies. As the women arrive, they enter a staged wedding reception brimming with a cavalcade of crazy. They have rice thrown in their faces, a harpist strummed while an opera singer sang “Life Twirls On….and on and on”, and let’s not forget the ribbon dancers! The bartender has prepared specialty drinks for each housewife. Claw-dia receives a drink aptly named “Hammer Time”, y’know because of her hammer toes and all. Cynthia is “Rum on the Rocks”, Kandi is “Kandi Koated Drop”, Phaedra is “White Chocolate” “Southern Cocoa”, Porsha is “Flat Line”, and well Demetira…I think the Bravo intern is fetching you a bottle of Ice Mountain spring water.
Kenya comes out in a floor sample wedding dress she snagged at David’s Bridal for $49 and Phaedra notes that she loves a grand entrance, but one that makes sense. Kenya leads them into a private screening room where they watch the pilot of “Life Twirls On’, which is mostly voice over by Kenya and Cynthia acting crazy bad. Kenya actually threw in a commercial, starring herself. Everyone pretends to like it and they have a good time without incident.
They wrap up the party having fun with a photo booth and we receive the obligatory statuses as the credits roll:
- Nene – she and Gregg bought a new home in the ATL and she is auditioning for several pilots, but “Life Twirls On” is not one of them.
- Claw-dia – she is considering a tour of open mic nights to hone her comedy chops. No plans to have surgery on her hammer toes.
- Cynthia – she and Peter are still working on renovating the new Bar One, but Peter’s Brew is boomin’ with all the latest tea.
- Kandi – she just celebrated her one-year wedding anniversary and she and Todd are undergoing fertility treatments. Their plans to relocate to L.A. are on hold.
- Kenya – she appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker where she found a new love who was contractually obligated to pretend he had a good time. Her pilot will air on You Tube.
- Phaedra – she is bee boppin’ along being a single mom and she is keeping her divorce plans under wraps.
Next time, reunion part one, where all the serenity goes in the shitter and Dr. Jeff delves into Nene’s crippling issues with her mother!