Making Up is Whored to Do

The gang is heading for Manila, but Kenya won’t leave before a final swim in the pool to prove her hair is real and to flaunt her plumbers crack.  Her bikini bottoms are busting and cannot contain her stallion booty.  Kinda ironic since Kenya had an early appearance on the RHATL where she was ripping an aspiring model to shreds at the Bailey Agency for wayward models for showing too much “coochie crack”.  Anyhoo…in other news…Kandi’s choice of travel wear is questionable, a camouflage onesie that does anything but camouflage.  Porsha selects an electric blue and pink printed, flouncy dress, but her downfall is that she is suffering from a low flow shower head.

Arrive-Manila

Once in Manila, they are given the presidential suite, complete with a 24 hour butler named Dante.  They head out on a day trip to a volcano and they have a motherfuckin’ twerk off in the party bus between our two non-cast mates, Porsha and Demetria.  Porsha is wearing some short shorts that are so short that Kandi points out that Porsha’s bikini hair is hanging out (umm…EWW!)  Amidst all this good, clean fun, Phaedra busts out that she wants to “go to the little people Hobbit house, I’m so attracted to little people!”  Listening to Phaedra is a little like being lost in a corn maze.

Twerk-off

We will only mention Nene briefly here, she is in NYC at her costume fitting with Gregg on his leash, trailing behind her.  The costume designer sucks her in the first dress like stuffed sausage and he asks her to “twirl” and Nene takes offense to that word, she prefers spin.  I’m sure there are a few people on the Cinderella production team who would like to tell her to sit-n-spin.  Gregg is all atwitter over the larger than life bustle on the costume and he slides over and starts smackin’ dat’ ass, while the costume designer is aghast, clutching his neckerchief.  We are treated to a flashback of Nene stripping (umm…EWW) and her formative years on the RHATL, missing teeth teef and tragic weave.  She breaks down in some happy tears at how far she has come.

Nene-Costume

Back in the Philippines, the gang heads out on the donkey rides up the volcano mountain and they get caught in the rain.  Some natives pop out of the trees to sell them rain ponchos to protect their fragile weaves.  When they arrive at the top, they admire the view of the lake and Porsha poses for her “Princess of Thotland” photo, looking like a “Burning Man” themed glamour shot gone horribly awry.

Princess THOT

Ancient tradition states that if they all hit a golf ball into the lake, it will bring them good luck and correct their tragic fashion sense.  After they arrive safely back at the bottom of the mountain, Phaedra has learned that one of the tour guides has lost her husband and is struggling to support her five children.  Phaedra relates to this seeing as how her husband is in jail and she has to raise two boys while working five jobs.  Because that is soooo the same thing as death of a spouse.  She slips the woman a couple of sawbucks and asks the translator to tell her it’s a gift from her heart and to not be afraid to find an African Prince sugar daddy love again.

Later, the gals hit an open food market and decide to taste some Durian fruit.  When the fruit is cut open, Claw-dia notes it smells like ass and she spits it out.  Phaedra sums it up best, it smells like “old dirty drawers and old onions”.  Uggh…welcome to my hamper.  Porsha said something about putting fruit in the microwave and having a good night…I take that to mean she has taken the “American Pie” thing to the next level.  They check out some local fish and crabs, Kenya has a twirl-off with a local tranny, and Porsha is wandering around looking for Louis Vuitton.

Clawdia-Crab

Later at the hotel, Phaedra calls Apostle Thad for some advice prior to having her sit down with Kenya.  The rest of the gals decide to have a pajama party in the common area of the suite.  Cynthia shows up acting sick, but ever the consummate model, she is dressed in a maxi-dress and a fedora.  Porsha is dressed for a booty call and Claw-dia and Kandi look like they are going to fall asleep on a yoga mat somewhere.  Claw-dia summons Dante so they can order some room service and they request neck massages from him.  Claw-dia is a bit inappropriate with the young lad as he rubs her neck, “harder, deeper!”  Dante chuckles and clearly has not studied the sexual harassment poster in the break room.

PJ Party

Phaedra and Kenya sit down and Kenya states that she will let Phaedra have the floor and she will just listen.  Phaedra prefaces her comments by stating she is not feeling well, she is hot and tired, like the inner thighs of an overworked stripper.  Phaedra reflects back on the fact that they were once working on a friendship and Phaedra was hurt when all the “crazy stuff” started happening and she wants to… guess what… MOVE FORWARD!  We see a li’l medley of all the times Phaedra called Kenya a whore… “Moore whore”, “sneaky slut”, etc.  Phaedra wants to believe Kenya is telling the truth when she says nothing happened and Apollo lied his ass off, but “at the end of the day”, Phaedra had to roll with her husband for fear of flying hinges and being chased with a power drill.  Phaedra acknowledges that she can’t change the past, but gives Kenya a clean slate and promises to stay out of the rear view mirror.  Kenya wants to believe her, has heard it all before, and Phaedra continued to call her “every whore in the world”.  Phaedra says “I haven’t called you a whore this year, not even once.  I called you Satan, but I didn’t call you a whore.”  Fair enough…Phaedra invites Kenya to church on Sunday, but Kenya can’t go so they ask Jesus for an after-hours emergency call.  It’s all rainbows and panda bears now, but we all know this will last about as long as a box of white zinfandel in Kenya’s mini fridge.

Phaedra-Crying

Kenya and Phaedra join the PJ party and they ladies cheer over their peace treaty and ask for details, but Phaedra tells them it’s none of their bidness.  Until next episode when she will likely spill the twisted tea.

The next day, the ladies have a final hangover lunch before heading home and they reflect on the wonderful trip how everyone got along.  Claw-dia asks if anyone has spoken to Nene and Porsha admits that she has and thinks that Nene would have “fallen in line” and gotten along if she had been on the trip.  They all bust out laughing at that thought and end the episode with a group photo.

Group Photo

Next time, Kenya films her pilot and Kandi and Todd continue to skid down the rocks, likely in preparation for their spin off show.  Nene returns to the group for a charity event and gives everyone the cold shoulder tunic from the Nene Leakes Collection.

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