Next Course Please

The fact that the big teaser all week was Claw-dia banging on a water glass with a butter knife should have been my first warning that this episode was going to suck balls.  And not just your garden variety, everyday balls, but big, hairy, sweat sock smellin’ BALLZ!

We waste the first 15 minutes with the gang jetting off to the Philippines, there is tension, and Claw-dia is wearing a giant hat from the Steven Tyler collection.  Phaedra is the bearer of great news, Nene can’t be there due to a “blood clotting issue” and she couldn’t obtain medical clearance.  Kandi must have had some inside info about the resort being vegan because she has smuggled some Panda Express onto the plane.  They are headed to a “detox resort”, translation… no meat, no booze, no fun.  They do get to make a pit stop at a McDonald’s in the Philippines for a McCatmeat on a sesame seed bun, and Kenya and Claw-dia flirt with a local dolt whose only hope is a fun toy in his happy meal.

Airport Arrivals

Meanwhile, Nene is in New York for a meeting with creative director on Cinderella.  Not much worth mentioning here other than the fact that he chews her up and spits her out like rancid McCatmeat after she asks if she can inject her own language and accent into her lines.  She wants to throw in her patented catch phrases… “chile”, “bye wig”, etc.  The director advises her to “use sparingly” like Vaseline.  We are kinda done and over Nene at this point in the episode, which hopefully tells us this season may be her last.

Claw-dia announces that Phaedra will get the largest room at the resort in an ass-kissin’ move to compensate for her recent Apollo strife.  It’s 6 a.m. in Manila and Kandi is ready to put on her night bonnet, the rest of the gang heads off to their respective quarters, but not some shade flingin’ first.  Kenya, Cynthia, Claw-dia, and Demetria (she’s still here?), declare that things are going well because the cancer that is Nene Leakes is missing from the group.  Kenya wishes Nene a “blood clotless week” and looks forward to having some fun.

Pheadra and Porsha discuss the spa treatments and have definite interest in the “Colema”, which is a caffeine enema.  Porsha is confused, will said enema give her a “true cleanout”?  Phaedra clarifies, “it’s gonna give you a BOOST…y’know cuz anything you put in your butt is going to take real fast.”  As if that was not line of the night, Phaedra later tells us in her one on one to the camera, “I don’t drink coffee but I’m sure my butt wouldn’t mind a sip.”

Later at 3 p.m., Phaedra and Claw-dia meet for a salad summit and Claw-dia shares a story about an annulment she went through in attempt to get Phaedra to open up, but the Southern Belle is shut down like an illegal day care center.  She claims she is “a private person…”, which is the perfect trait for a reality show cast member.

Phaedra and Kandi have some spa time alone to have their scalps and feet rubbed and to decide that their friendship is fine and they will “move forward…”  Later the gang has a yoga sesh where Kandi starts sawing logs like an Ax Man and astonishes the group by her lack of flexibility.

Kandi-Yoga

As they dress for dinner, Claw-dia reveals another bodily flaw of hers, which is “weak holes” … i.e., her earrings are too heavy for her lobes.  Claw-dia tells Demetria and Cynthia about her salad-side chat with Phaedra and that Phaedra actually cried.  At the dinner not quite from hell, assigned seating will be had by all so that we can “mix it up”, as if the impending drama was not already planned.  Claw-dia admits that the Bravo intern she snuck liquor and chicken into the resort, because they realized the no meat, no booze thing was backfiring faster than going commando while suffering from explosive traveler’s diarrhea.

Porsha is wearing her favorite color, short and tight, and the rest of the gang looks like something from “Three’s Company goes to Hawaii”.  Cynthia and Porsha are getting along and Cynthia comments “Porsha is a lotta fun when she’s off her leash!”  Something tells me that comment will come up at the 97 part reunion.

Claw-dia gives the opening toast, let’s move forward, blah…blah…blah!  Cynthia apologizes to Phaedra, who remains silent.  Porsha giggles and Claw-dia reprimands her with a “WTF” and notes that Porsha is having “Puerto Rico PTSD”.  Kenya mutters “she’s lookin’ for a moment like she always does”, which sends Porsha into orbit.  Then Claw-dia cracks the glass in an attempt to get the group to shut their chicken holes and allow Cynthia and Phaedra to finish their conversation.  Phaedra cooly sips her soup while throwing some serious side eye, “next course please.”  Kenya gets on the Phaedra is an asshole party train and explains that she has tried to reach out to her as well, but it goes ignored.  We flash back to that priceless moment during the Savannah trip, when Kenya attempted to clear the air with Phaedra, but only to be ignored while Ms. Parks pumped her breasts.  Because nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my face” like the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump.

Kenya decides that a private convo with Phaedra needs to happen and Phaedra acquiesces.  The ladies all cheer and break out into hysterics, laughing at each other’s asses.  Porsha does her milkshake walk, which Claw-dia compares to “a stanky leg with a loose knee.”  They all laugh and appear to be having a great time!  Imagine that!  Next week, the trip continues, Nene prepares to take the big stage and appears to have a meltdown, and Phaedra and Kenya finally make peace.

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