It Ain’t Gonna be Kumbaya, Baby!

Grabbing her borrowed Birkin bags full of mental baggage faster than a blink of a false eyelash, we see Nene spin on her heels in her paratrooper onesie with Dr. Jeff trailing in her wake.  “We can’t work it out without you”, he pleads!  Nevertheless, Nene threatens his license for declaring “Attack Nene Day” a National Holiday.  While she runs off to angrily type up a BBB complaint on Dr. Jeff, he returns to the group like a defeated Jeff Spicoli “No dice…”

No Dice

The gang agrees to put a pin in the Nene portion of their discussion and continue on with the therapy work.  Porsha and Claw-dia discuss how they were bullied and Kenya plays her abandonment card.  Dr. Jeff explains that they if they cannot understand what baggage they are bringing into a relationship, then they have no power over it.  It is here, in the depths of airing their childhood despair, that Dr. Jeff has an epiphany, it’s all a big pissing contest between these hags and he really just wants to go home, put on his jammies, and eat some chicken wangs.  We revisit the whore calling on the Puerto Rico Party bus ride from hell and Kenya calls Porsha a “revisionist historian”, which I have to give Kenya props for pulling that one out of her back pocket.  After all, beyotch thought the Underground Railroad was an actual train.  In the end, the therapy sesh actually does some good after the exit of NayNay.  Kenya delivers a somewhat sincere apology to Porsha and she accepts.  Dr. Jeff points out that they may argue, but they don’t have to get hood rat ugly about it.  Oh Dr. Jeff, your optimistic naïveté is simply adorbs…this show won’t survive without the trifling arguments between these whorenados!  Bless his heart…meanwhile, somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive has legal on speed dial.

Group Hug

Kenya suggests they send Nene a video message thanking her for the idea of the therapy sesh and Kandi calls it an ass kisser move, “Girl, BYE!”  Dr. Jeff makes a final note that they can learn to handle conflict without losing themselves or their dignity.  They hug it out and Kandi agrees to record the corny video message, which will only further allow Nene to keep treating people poorly, now it’s just documented.

Nene is too busy to give a flying rat’s ass, she is rehearsing her Cinderella lines!  She has allowed Gregg some play time in the yard because she needs him to listen to her ills.  Nene feels she has already apologized enough, but it never occurs to her that she has to keep apologizing because she never stops acting like a crusty asshole wearing a bad wig.

NayNay-Zero Phucks

Later, Kandi and Todd meet up with peter and Cynthia at the Bowlmor to shoot some pool and some shit.  Peter orders a stiff drink to turn it aaaaallllll da’ way up.  They are glad the group made amends during the therapy sesh, but Kandi is still shocked that even Dr. Jeff was hip to the issues between she and Phaedra, when Phaedra has yet to say a word to her.  Kandi put it perfectly, “If you’re having a problem with our relationship and you don’t tell me, WE don’t have a problem, but YOU do!”

Alas, Phaedra has bigger fish to fry than to worry about her former Ace Boon Coon, Kandi.  Phaedra has a sit down with Sarah Jakes, daughter of famed Bishop T.D. Jakes.  Phaedra wants to pick her brain about how she came to terms with the end of her marriage.  Sarah explains that she was “robbed of the ability to be vulnerable in her marriage” and that’s when she knew she was in a bad spot.  Phaedra finally breaks down and sheds some synthetic tears.  Phaedra confides in her that she doesn’t really have close friends to talk to about this and Sarah warns that if she keeps stifling her emotions, feeling numb will become her new normal and she will look like one of the corpses she embalms.

Later, Phaedra drops by Kaplan Family Law wearing a faux fur capelette, as if she is off to a roaring twenties bible study group.  Counselor Kaplan notes that Phaedra’s prenup is air tight, but the kids are a concern.  When discussing the demise of the marriage, Phaedra points out that there was no longer a meeting of the mind and Apollo was more interested in drinking and breakin’ da’ law-n-shit.  Kaplan poses the question of seasons 2 – 6, “there were loads of other men you could have married that didn’t spend any time in prison, how did you marry him knowing he was in prison for five years?”  Phaedra admits that she thought he was a changed man, thought that he loved her, and she believed in him.  Phaedra got Phooled and now she finds herself cleaning up a “trail of madness”.  Right now the parenting plan is paramount, and Phaedra may have to face facts and take the boys to see their father in jail.

Phaedra-Divorce

In less interesting goings on, Kenya is having a table read for her first script of “Life Twirls On”.  She runs around, acting like she is in charge, and thinks her poorly timed Ray Rice jokes are “landing”.  Brandon pretends to supervise, Cynthia can’t act her way out of a paper bag, and Kenya suffers from delusions as she says “watch out ‘Two Broke Girls’, here comes ‘Life Twirls On’!”

Claw-dia contacts Dr. Jeff for a Skype therapy sesh so that she can root through her issues like a pig rooting in shit.  Dr. Jeff suggests that the women go on a Bravo mandated trip from hell.  Somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive is signing a bonus check for the good doctor.  We see Claw-dia in her one on one with the camera while wearing a white dress with her hair dyed one color, brushed, and looking nice.  She can obviously look descent if she puts her mind to it, so I still don’t understand why she spends a majority of her camera time looking like a low-rent hooker on the third shift stroll.  Dr. Jeff summarizes their discussion by telling her to plan a trip, but be wary… “It ain’t gonna be Kumbaya, baby!”

Claw-dia tells Kenya and Cynthia about the Philippines trip and figures she’ll throw in a free demonstration of what “tea bagging” is on Cynthia’s forehead…in case you missed it:

Tea Bag

Cynthia and Kenya later stop by “Tags”, where Kandi is toiling away trying to figure out why her inventory isn’t moving.  The girls feign interest in child-sized pleather coats, but the underlying agenda is to discuss the trip prescribed by Dr. Jeff.  We are treated to a flashback scene of Claw-dia and Porsha having a meeting of the mind and playing nice in the sandbox.  They decide each will inform their respective teams that they are headed to the Philippines for a make-up sesh and caffeine enemas.

Next week, the Thrilla in Manila where the main event is a staged break through between Phaedra and Kenya!

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