I don’t like filler, I don’t like it in my Brazilian meats, I don’t like it in my new pocketbooks, and I certainly don’t like it in my housewives. Alas, that is what we have this week… a whole lotta nuttin’ goin’ on!
Cynthia tells us about Peter’s greatness and his upcoming “Salute to Excellence” awards dinner. Many people don’t know that Peter Thomas is the co-creator of “Source Entertainment”, which spawned the prestigious “Source Awards”. Well, my “sources” tell me that this can’t be much of a deal, ‘cuz Papa Smurf be broke all da’ time!
Meanwhile across town, Phaedra and Porsha meet up to rehash the swingin’ pocket book over Brazilian meats event and Porsha calls Kenya a dawg for getting involved, but “a dawg gonna do what a dawg do!” Phaedra is now pissed at Cynthia and thinks her change in attitude is due to becoming “Ace Boon Coons” with Kenya. Interesting sidebar: They bleeped out “Ace Boon Coon”. There’s not much happening here, Porsha coughs and says she has Ebola, to which Phaedra responds “Girrrl, not the Ebola!”, if only…
Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherri to get some counseling so they may “adjust” to being married. Todd looks like he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy performed by David Duke than be in this therapy sesh. After the usual hemming and hawing between these two boring dolts, Todd brings up his agitation over the prenup. Long story short, the money/work thing is causing tension and it’s showing up in the bedroom (or lack thereof). Kandi is still suspicious of Todd’s doings in L.A. and she says “Whatever is said in the dark, always comes to the light.” Dr. Sherri gives them some homework, which consists of a date night and there will be no phones or social media allowed. She also advises them to create a pro and con list about each other, which has great potential to backfire.
It’s the night of Peter’s big “Salute to Excellence” event, which is fairly un-eventful. Claudia shows up with her boobs poppin’ out, Kenya looks like a giant banana peel, Demetria has a bumble bee thing goin’ on, and Kandi looks like she smuggled a bushel o’ peaches, or two, under the back of her dress. Cynthia is the only one with any sense of style, too bad her social skills don’t match her shoes. Peter is standing around, acting like a douche in general, saying “Cynthia’s ass has exploded since she moved to Atlanta.” Just for that, I think she should take him out for some Brazilian meats and swing away with her handbag. Kenya brings up the confrontation with the crazy “bag lady” and Peter immediately excuses himself to find Todd and make a mad-dash to the bar for a refill.
Peter asks Todd if Apollo told him about Phaedra’s alleged affair. Todd confirms he knew about the texteses as if it were yesterday’s news (and he gets line of the night) “yeah, he came to the house with color copies”. Color copies, as if the printing job from Apollo’s li’l ink jet that could, added to the veracity of the texteses. Then to add fuel to the fire, Todd explains that Kandi also saw said color copies! Insert dramatic “dunt dunt dunt!” music here…
Meanwhile, Kandi staves off the wild bobcats and tells them she ain’t gonna pick sides and … what affair? Cynthia, of all housewives, tells Kandi she should be calling Phaedra out for wrongdoing even though “she’s your girl”. Saved by the dinner bell, they sit down for the banquet and Kandi whispers to Todd that she has been “kicked out of the circle”. To take her mind off the evil conspiracy, she is called up to the stage to receive a “Salute to Excellence” bullshit award. She gives a speech revering Peter and Kenya sarcastically tells us that Kandi should win an award for “the most loyal friend everrrr!”
We circle back around to Nene who is full on with her ramen noodle toupee. She visits Dr. Jeff, the Psychologist who gave her and Gregg some prior family counseling. Nene discusses the housewives with the good doctor and invites him into the circle of death. Dr. Jeff salivates at the thought of the large paycheck a session with this group will surely yield. He forewarns Nene that he isn’t going to co-sign on anyone’s bullshit and he is not afraid to put an ass on blast! Little does he know that he may have met his match and he may not come out of this psychological threshing machine alive.
Speaking of ass blasting… Cynthia summons Phaedra for a meet and mend so she can explain that she was just following the script. Phaedra, being a Christian woman, has agreed to attend, but is sadly expecting an apology that will never come. Cynthia attempts to lay out some ground rules about “having a conversation”, but she makes no sense as usual. She defends her actions and then these two hyenas get into banter back and forth where they wield the phrase “fact check” like a sawed off shotgun. Phaedra can’t take it anymore and declares “court adjourned”, buh bye, take several seats!
Kandi is milling around in her “Tags” boutique, she figures she should pay attention to her other bidnessess, now that her musical has officially failed. Right on cue, in walks Mama Joyce to whip off her overnight Depends® and take a ginormous dump on Kandi’s day. Mama has fixed up the old house, but now she wants to stay there and will not be moving in to that disposable new house that Kandi just bought. Oh and by the way, you suck, you’re so critical, and you never come around. Hmmm…Mama, it ain’t rocket science here. She doesn’t come around because you are crazier than a Walmart wedgie wielding crack house rat and you are an endless pit of negativity! Wait for it… Kandi’s voice starts shaking as she tries to address her mother, then Mama comes out with a lousy peace offering by way of the key and garage door remote to the house that Mama doesn’t want anymore. How ya’ like me now?
The last 15 minutes are the most critical, the dinner table of death at Uncle Julio’s. Odd items to note: Kandi rolls up in a huge white Ford F-150, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have never seen her in a pickup truck. Porsha is channeling Carmen Miranda, wearing a banana yellow crop top and skirt, and Claw-dia and Demetria are present for who the hell knows why. Everyone is in place, except for Phaedra and Kenya, who weren’t invited to this life-sucking waste of time. Nene begins addressing the group and Cynthia has had a bit too much salt with her margarita. She keeps interrupting and combating Nene and Kandi mutters “let’s not start” as she stuffs a quesadilla in her mouth. At the end of the day… Cynthia is all in for the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, but Kandi doesn’t think she needs any part of it because she can simply eat her feelings. Nene convinces Kandi that she is going to have some nasty splinters up her ass from riding that fence that will likely become infected. Kandi rolls her eyes and caves in like the li’l wishy-washy mogul she is.
Next week, Nene sports a Bride of Frankenstein wig and an ill-fitting jumpsuit, Kandi confronts Phaedra about their rift, and then – in the most SHOCKING twist EVA – The therapy sesh with Dr. Jeff goes off the rails when Nene is called out and she storms out!