The Meat of the Matter

Apollo kicks off this week with his last public appearance before he “goes asunder”.  What is he trying to say here?  Maybe ass-under… at any rate, there will plenty of time for him to read the dictionary while he’s in the klink.  Oy vey, I think I speak for all RHATL fans…good riddance!

Phaedra has moved out of her hotel suite and returned to her Apollo-free home and plans to have an “exorcism” to cleanse the home of all evil demons, menacing power tools, and random buckets o’ hinges.  Sidebar:  In her one-on-one with the camera, she has a new look and it’s not a good one.  While she was swinging from the chandelier with her mystery man (more on that, later), it looks like she became entangled and decided to just work it as a statement necklace.

Phaedra-Necklace

Apostle Thaddeus Canada and his wife Chanda Canada have been summoned to cleanse Phaedra’s home.  When the ring the doorbell, Ayden says it must be “bumblebees or strangers”.  He is too cute for words.  They go about their cleansing bidness, but if Phaedra truly wants to cleanse the home, she could start by removing that ridiculous Phine Booty poster.

Phine Booty

Thaddeus sprinkles some holy water around each room and finishes up with a fix it Jesus.  The house is, at last, blessed.  Ayden follows them around and he be like “WTF you doin’ to my crib?!?!”

Cleansing House

Later, Kandi checks in on Phaedra and apparently, the two have fallen out of touch.  However, Phaedra notes that Nene has been extremely supportive and calling Phaedra on the daily, but not warning her about the dangers of wearing flimsy jumpers with pockets on the boobs.  Phaedra updates Kandi and states that she was about ready to light Apollo up “wit dat 357”, but she didn’t want to have to waste embalming fluid putting his ASS UNDER!

In Kandi Koated fantasy land, where clearly no HR Department exists, Kandi decided to have a “mock Kandi Koated Nights” with Carmon and Don Juan as the audience, rather than have a private, adult conversation with her husband.  She confronts Todd about their lack of spice in the bedroom and Don Juan makes some inaudible, odd comment as he leaves the room, something about a cocker spaniel??  At any rate, Kandi begins her hard-hitting journalistic interview and asks Todd if he has “been grinding”.  Not sure what that means…is he making fresh brewed coffee?  Has he been shredding a variety of hard cheeses?  Ugh… Todd explains that he hasn’t been interested because of Kandi’s “bonnet”?  I am not sure what that means either, is it a shower cap to protect her weave?  Is it like a role-playing costume?  I can’t get my brain around this discussion in any way.  AT THE END OF THE DAY…Todd agrees to go to marriage counseling.

Cynthia, Kenya, and Claw-dia meet up to taste some wine and spread some chocolate flavored gossip on a cracker.  Cynthia spills all the tea about text-gate 2.0 and sums it up by saying Apollo showed Peter some texts and Phaedra is allegedly in love with a mystery man, Mr. Chocolate.  We are given a retrospective clip show of Phaedra being a big Phat liar.  The lies may stay the same, but Cynthia’s hair is ever-changing.  Kenya is absolutely mortified, how dare Phaedra call her a whore, when all the while Phaedra was whoreing around her own self!  Summary:  the Whore-pocracy must cease!  But what we are all forgetting here is that Apollo is about as trustworthy as gas station sushi and he could be completely fabricating this whole story just like he did regarding text-gate 1.0.

Kenya-Shocked

For the confrontation dinner of death, the girls meet at Brazilian steakhouse, Forgo De Chao.  What better place to attempt to squash the beef, than a place that serves up an endless supply of meats.  After all the ladies arrive, they are getting their meat on, Nene brags about her life on Broadway and Phaedra comments that she is “just livin’” and she gives a jaunty, albeit suspect, grin.  Cynthia decides this is the perfect time to get to the meat of the matter, TEXT-GATE 2.0!  However, Cynthia is clearly not cut out for confrontation, “so we’re just going to put it out on the table… a lot was said… um about your situation… so if we’re not going to put it out on the table… um it is what it is.”  Cynthia’s attempt was so pathetic, that Kenya decides to put her dick out on the table and put Phaedra on full-blown blast.

Can someone get Kenya a plunger, ‘cuz this beyotch loves bringing up old shit.  She is still trying to vindicate herself from text-gate 1.0 and when she accuses Phaedra of having an affair, Phaedra actually jumps up and lunges at Kenya with her pocketbook.  What happened to the tazer gun, Phaedra Sparks?  I think this situation would have been a perfect time for a promotional product placement!

Phaedra-Lunging

Claw-dia starts waving her giant wooden cross earrings, FIX IT JESUS!  Phaedra pulls back her pocketbook of destruction (not to be confused with the Mama Joyce Wal-Mart wedgie of death), regains her composure, and walks out with Nene and Porsha at her heels.

Claudia-Earrings2

Kandi snarfs down a few more slices of meat before heading out to support camp Phaedra.  The rest of the gang trails out of the restaurant and it looks like there will be a patented Bravo Mexican standoff in the parking lot.  Kenya accuses Phaedra of calling her a whore to serve as a smoke screen for her own shit and Phaedra’s response is “Bye bye, take several seats.”  Nene goes after Cynthia for bringing it up in such a pathetic manner and Cynthia looks at her like “but that’s what the producers told me to do!”  Nene comments that Cynthia “Is messy as hell” and she should just keep to her day job “having pageants at Wal-Mart!”  Nene decides she is done with this mess and shuts the convo down like an illegal day care center.  Phaedra hops into Porsha’s Batmobile and they speed off into the night.

Next week Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherry for counseling… It seems Kandi knew about Phaedra’s chocolate side dish… and Phaedra and Cynthia face off.

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