Chocolate Puddin’

As usual, the last 15 minutes are the only real substance here, but we have a few things to cackle about, so let us wade through the nonsense and get to the good stuff…

Kenya and Cynthia stop by Claw-dia’s apartment to confirm she is not homeless; luckily, the Bravo Production Assistants buzzed by Rent-A-Center and got her some pre-assembled furniture.  The ladies sit down to gossip and Claw-dia breaks down the Dish Nation party, while breaking down herself.  She weeps…the stress…high school…can’t take it anymore.  Claw-dia…HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?  Have you seen this show?  Let the chips fall where they may, but Claw-dia stands in her truth, which is that Porsha is a straight up ho.

Later, Claw-dia meets with Rickey Smiley for advice with her struggles on-and off-air, Rickey encourages Claw-dia to give Porsha a blanket… apology that is…to dispel the awkwardness.  What better time than right now, Ricky summons Porsha to his office and asks her for some chewing gum.  Porsha produces a jar of gummy bears from her purse instead and Claw-dia cannot believe she has to make nice with this idiot.  They attempt to address the tension, but Porsha insists they don’t work together, they work “in passing”, and she is furious that Rickey is involved.  The ladies talk over one another before agreeing to squash the beef, for works sake only, and Rickey forces them to join hands in prayer.  Awkwardness.  Not.  Dispelled.

Kandi and Todd are packing up for L.A. because Todd hooked her up with a part in a movie called “Second Chance Christmas”, so now Kandi can learn all about the movie biz for when she and Todd produce their first feature film, “Divorce Papers”.  Kandi wonders why Todd’s packed sneaker quota horrifically out of proportion to their planned one-day stay, and Todd drops the bomb that je is staying in L.A. an extra week, without her.

Later, when Kandi returns from L.A., sans Todd, she catches up with Carmon and reveals that she and Todd clashed the whole trip.  AND…Kandi and Todd are not getting anywhere on their baby making progress either.  Kandi doesn’t think Todd is cheating on her, but they are lacking in communication and intimacy.  Carmon suggests counseling because Kandi’s version of “working on things” is to just pretend as if they are not happening.  BLAM…Carmon served up Kandi with some BEYOTCH PUDDIN’!  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce is wielding her “I-told-you-so-Wal-Mart-Wedgie-of-Death.”

Blam Bitch Puddin

As if we give a shit about what Kenya is pretending to do, we have a small scene showing her hard at fake work writing her fake scripts.  Poor thing thinks she has writers block, but really, the weave is too tight.  She calls her brainy friend Brandon to mull over some strategic product placement and she would like to use a Kandi Koated dildo.  She pulls out said neon pink dildo, holds it to her face like a phone, and asks Brandon “can you show a dildo on TV?”  Again, Kenya… have you seen the show you are on right now?  Later, Kenya holds fake auditions and these tragic actors don’t even realize that this train wreck won’t ever leave the station.  The actors all deliver the same line “I’m lactose intolerant”.  Sorta like “these pretzels are making me thirsty”.  Cynthia waltzes in to audition for her own part as a Jamaican beauty salon owner and she is dressed the part with full on yellow, red, and blue makeup.  Her hair is a rats nest and she is dressed in an old carpet remnant she janked out of the dumpster at her local “Denny’s” restaurant.  Of course, Kenya and Brandon go donuts over Cynthia and offer the part in the show that will never exist.

Pretzels

Across Town in Phaedra land, it’s 10 p.m. on the eve of Apollo’s final day “on the Plantation” and Peter received a squirrelly call from Apollo, so he takes Apollo out for a drink.  Apollo confides in Peter that he went through Phaedra’s phone and found out she is having an affair, and he has copies of all the TEXTS TO PROVE IT!!!  Among the damning evidence, she is texting some man named Chocolate, saying “the countdown begins”, “next week I’ll be off the plantation.”  At least Apollo is convinced this is damning evidence; BLAM…the Proof is in the Pudding, Bitch!

Beyotch Puddin

Peter is trying to drive and avoid dying in a fiery crash as Apollo is waving around hard copies of the texts and showing him the texts that he forwarded to his own phone.  Peter simply cannot believe what he is hearing, “I need my glasses for this, you got me f*cked up right now!”  Yeah, us too, Papa Smurf!  There is no way these texts were fabricated by some run of the mill con man!  Apollo even confronted Phaedra and she learned from the best… deny, deny, deny.  She told him that this “Chocolate” man is some African dude who isn’t even in the country.  I guess the big “gasp factor” over this is that Phaedra has been runnin’ her mouth about other cast-mates actin’ like hoes and here she goes doing the same.  Heck, everybody knows that Phaedra is a walkin’, breathin’ double standard.

Sexual Chocolate

Apollo is so worked up, he starts talking crazy, “people kill people over this shit, like love crimes!”  Peter tries to talk him down, but something tells me we are going to see Apollo on a special edition of “Snapped – When Husbands Lose Their Shiz”, only on Discovery ID.  Two hours and 12 tequilas later, Peter returns home and tells his lovely wife what he learned about Phaedra.  Cynthia did this:

Cynthia-Stunned

The next day, it’s 4 p.m. – do you know where your soon to be ex-husband assailant is?  Phaedra and her trusty assistant check over the condition of her house and they are confident that Apollo is long gone.  Phaedra has hired a locksmith and garage door opener guy to change the locks-n-fobs so that she can feel safe.  Later, she plans to hit the gun range with her “medicinal sawed off shotgun” and freshen up on her shooting skills.  As Phaedra busily plans her afternoon, Apollo pulls up and storms at Phaedra, ranting about how this is crazy…changing locks-n-fobs!  How dare she lock him out of his house that he won’t have access to for EIGHT YEARS!  He rants and flies around, squawking about how he changed everything on the house, every screw, every nail, EVERY HINGE…and as he becomes more and more and more UNHINGED, he actually dumps a 10 gallon bucket o’ HINGES out on the garage floor to further cement his point.  Now that’s irony…

You would think that was the most disconcerting part of the episode, but oh dear reader, we are just getting warmed up…Phaedra decides she needs to phone a friend, and she calls Apollo’s friend, “Bun”, who happens to be across the street hiding in some bushes.  Bun comes over and gets Apollo out of the house, while Phaedra is muttering “fix it Jesus, deliverance LAWD!”  Just when she thinks he is gone, he comes back in his car and Bun flies up behind him on a crotch rocket.  What kind of low-rent Dynamic Duo is this?  Apollo storms around in the house again and walks around aimlessly revving a power drill.  He then approaches Phaedra slowly and creepily, whispering “don’t call the police”.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.

Apollo-Don't call police

Phaedra appears calm, but underneath that collected exterior, I am sure she’s quaking in her Uggs.  She doesn’t know what he is capable of and at this point, he has nothing to lose.

Next week, Kandi and Todd continue to struggle with their marriage, Kenya confronts Phaedra about Mr. Chocolate, and Phaedra lunges at Kenya with an open fist.

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One thought on “Chocolate Puddin’

  1. They are all fake. Cynthia is a waffle, Phaedra is a hypocrite, Nene is a bully, Porsha is a hooker, Clawdia is a victim and Kenya is all the abovementioned. The only one not fake is Kandi but if I were Todd I’d run away from her and Joyce!

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