After a much needed break last week, we are presented with a big snooze-fest episode, which focuses on li’l breadcrumbs o’ drama and misfortune…mile-markers along the highway to hell.
Kenya twirls into another fake meeting with Roger Bobb at Bobbcat Productions, wearing a bright coral capelette that looks just as insane as her eyeballs and script ideas.
Her ideas consist of the inane “Three Brown Girls”, who are sisters with the last name “Brown” and “Life Twirls On” – yes, yes it does and hopefully without you. Of course, “Life Twirls On” is about a circle of mean girls who torment the show’s star because she is so fabulous. The “Mean Girls” consist of “Nono, a 50 year old, cross gendered, pole dancer”, Athena, “a slick talking, jack of all trades, mortician, notary public, preacher who starts devastating rumors”, and Dee dee, “the dingy woman who thought the underground rail road was an actual train.” Actually, Kenya, that show is already in production and well Madge, you’re soaking in it! Roger follows his script and feigns interest before saying “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” “I’ll have my lawyers call your lawyers.”
Later, Kenya and Brandon continue to pretend to look for office space, but settle in at a coffee shop to fake discuss Kenya’s fake flop of a meeting at Bobbcat. After “flushing out the ideas” with Roger, ugh it’s fleshing out, although flushing is what should be done with her weave and ideas…Kenya decides she will write her own script. They briefly touch on casting Cynthia in a part, but Kenya doubts her acting ability since she was only on “The Cosby Show” once, but didn’t have any lines. Must have been all the drugs Cosby gave her.
Across town in another shameless Bravo “Married to Medicine” crossover, Phaedra visits Dr. G to seek counsel on how to tell her sons about their no-good, low-down, dirty father. Dr. G’s best suggestion is to explain it as adult time-out with bars instead of windows and he advises that she should let the boys see their father, otherwise they may hold it against her someday. Phaedra doesn’t want to “meander around prisons when I’m not being paid to do so” and she certainly doesn’t want the boys to think prison is an acceptable place for them to meander.
Meanwhile, Apollo visits the only divorce lawyer in the ATL, Randy Kessler, to discuss his options. He is due to turn himself in at a federal penitentiary in four days, but is worried Phaedra will file for divorce when he is locked up. That is about the only thing he is right about. Attorney Kessler points out that his defense will be that Phaedra accepted his criminal past when she married him, what did she expect? This is where I wanted Kessler’s paralegal, Thad Woody, to stand up and say, “hey, what happens on the air mattress at 2 a.m., stays at the air mattress!”
Later, Phaedra gets together with her mother for some sweet tea and plot furthering. Apparently, Apollo has threatened to burn down the house, he has punched holes through the walls, and has been acting psychotic in general. Pastor Regina fears for her daughter’s life and her grandsons and insists that they get the hell out of the house. More on that next week…
Nene and Porsha get together at a place called “Cotton & Corn”, which seems rather unappetizing and stereotypical. Nene is more interested in the menu than she is Porsha, and she already plans to return the next day for a pork chop with a fried egg. For now, they will settle on some grits and establish that Dish Nation is throwing a party to honor Porsha, but Nene can’t possibly attend because of her Broadway gig. Porsha hopes Claw-dia will have enough sense not to show up and the two sea-hags discuss how Claw-dia doesn’t have a car and Cynthia has a no-good husband who is using her and drying up her modelin’ coin. Porsha throws mad shade at Claw-dia and Kenya saying they have, as Mama Braxton would say… “laid it low and spread it wide”, and consequently can’t find a man to marry their 40 year old used up asses. I think Porsha is speaking a little out of turn in regard to what makes a woman “marriage material” and Nene is no better, she divorced Gregg because she got bored and re-married him when she didn’t get enough “winks” on Match.com.
Kandi and her miniature hubby Todd discuss the “Mother’s Love” tour, which has crashed, burned, and gone straight to hell in a hand cart. The bunk promoter they hired off of “Craig’s List” doesn’t have enough capital to keep the show going, thus the tour is cancelled. I can’t even imagine the mob scene when the 13 people who purchased tickets come beating down the door at the Kandi Factory demanding their refunds. Kandi is pissed as hell, and she is on a diet, which is not a good combo. A Slim-Fast shake is not gonna get you through this one Girrl. Get out of her way, she needs a cupcake.
Later, at the Kandi Factory, Kandi has finally styled her hair in a much better way and she tells her staff that the “Mother’s Love” tour is in the sh!tter because the promoter is not financially prepared to continue. Don Juan jokes that Kandi doesn’t give up control over anything “except to the li’l man she sleeps in the bed with”, so how ironic it is that the tour flopped. Don Juan continues to torment Kandi, “well Aunt Bertha told me maybe it was a scheme, that Todd set up for them, to come at you, with the bullsh!t.” We flash back to Aunt Bertha saying this, which is hilarious…and Kandi’s entire staff agrees, they are rolling on the floor laughing like hyenas. Kandi and Todd glare at the staff as if they are ready to thunder punch each of them in the throat. I’m bit confounded as to why Kandi doesn’t go into her mattress and bankroll her own tour.
Claw-dia summons Derek J. to work with her on her edges and weaves for the big Dish Nation party. Despite her hatred for Porsha, she does work at Dish Nation, so she will attend the party to show support and further the drama between her and the nit-wit. Derek J. shows up looking like a reject from America’s Best Dance Crew and he throws a “Kardashian” wig on Claw-dia, to which she exclaims, “now maybe I can get a black man!”
Derek slides a little jab in there and adds “or maybe a man”. They discuss the implications and complexities of wearing a wig around a known wig snatcher (Porsha) and Derek agrees he will make the wig an easy release. Claw-dia is armed and ready, “you come for me, I’m gonna point my gun at you, it’s huntin’ season.”
Ok the last 15 minutes…the Dish Nation party from hell. Claw-dia shows up while Porsha and her whole family throw side-eye. Claw-dia waits for the right moment to confront Porsha head on, Claw-dia congratulates her and Porsha calmly explains that she has “the gift of discernment”, which allows her to weed out the negativity from her life. Claw-dia explains she is just trying to be cordial and out of respect for their common employer, they should try to work it out. This is fairly uneventful and is interrupted when the 80’s called and asked Claw-dia for their earrings back.
Next week – buckle up for a real slapdash sh!t show…Claw-dia cracks under the mean girl pressure and Apollo foregoes his prison surrender, to instead confront Phaedra about her texting affair.