Insane Search Terms That Turn Up My Blog – Volume I

I can’t take credit for this idea, I have to give props to the Goddess that is “The Blogess”.  You will find a link to her blog on my blog roll on the right hand side of this page.  Check out her blog and her best-selling books, she is truly talented and delightfully hilarious!  I command you to read her shit, you will not regret it.


She posted a column a while ago about “utterly fucked up” terms that people type into their search engines, which led them to her blog.  I took a gander at my own statistics to see what search terms lead people to  After I re-hinged my jaw and blotted the tears of laughter from my face, I decided I would share these with the world.  You’re welcome America…

  • Close up war prisoner boob suck (because if I was a war prisoner – I would definitely want my boob suck to be as close up as humanly possible)
  • Janky jeggings (as opposed to the non-janky kind)
  • Christian ponder penis (yea, well you don’t need to be a Christian for that!)
  • You need bleaching you need to trim down those donkey teeth real who invited all these tacky people painting? (judgmental internet troll…anyone?)
  • Pimpin ain’t easy dentist (no, it ain’t easy, just ask my dentist!)
  • Wearing white pants tame the beast (oh, so that’s how you tame the beast)
  • Chaka Khan nipples (insert sound of needle scratching off of record here)
  • Cornball ass rodeo (finally, a place I can wear my janky jeggings!)
  • You smell like ulterior motives (ah, yes I love the smell of ulterior motives in the springtime)
  • Somebody stole his shoulders (I was wondering where they went!)
  • Joy air compressor (spreading happiness around the world since 1650)
  • Lord have mercy, i know before the end of this lovely luncheon flipping flapper knacks baby banana snausage kerfuffle hey nice claws that tree was unattended just like you said my kid was (have you just completely given up on life?)
  • Hand crank meat slicer (a staple in every household!)
  • The argument peachy keen strangle (someone call a doctor)
  • Julie wolf tranny (I met her at the cornball ass rodeo, she was wearing janky jeggings)
  • Black ass wet (white ass dry?)
  • Low down dirty bitches (single handedly reviving the Bravo television network)
  • Middle aged in hot tub (must have been searching for “Extreme Cougar Wives” related material)
  • Slam dunkin’ like Vladimir (The Russians are so good at basketball, they now have their own idiom)
  • You gotta get low to get high (TRU ‘DAT!)
  • Mature Mexican bitches (never met one I didn’t like)
  • Is blood thicker than Jaegermeister (you terrify me)
  • Small moobs (because if you’re a man with moobs, one would hope they are small)
  • Big pimpin’ pappy Florida (yeah, I saw him big pimpin’ with my dentist)
  • Jim Carey moobs (I hope they are small)
  • It is disgusting to jump out of a box (yes, so gross)
  • Girl 2.0” tranny (BFFL to Julie, the wolf tranny)
  • I ain’t got no time for no bacterial vaginosis (yea, well…who does?)
  • Girl with a plunger that says it keeps brining up old shit (no shit, pun intended)
  • Skinny with moobs (even better)
  • You dumb homo tool you’re snapping wrong (he needs to go back to the Tool Academy)
  • Phaedra booty is eating my g string nom nom (somebody grab the jaws of life!)
  • Hillbilly handfishin’ moobs (now we’re gettin’ somewhere!)

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