Keepin’ it 100

It’s the tail end of the heated read-off and the insults continue to fly between NayNay and Claw-dia like ravenous tropical gnats.  What I find comical is that everyone is distracted by the revolting read-off, except Kandi.  She is grubbin’ down like the li’l food-savvy opportunist she is.  She is gonna pounce on them cheese fries while the gettin’ is good!  One of the best knock-backs here is when NayNay rips on Claw-dia’s Forever 21 spaghetti strap dress, and Claw-dia counterblasts by suggesting NayNay consume less spaghetti in her diet.  All NayNay can come up with is “Girl…BYE!” to which Claw-dia responds, “really, are you leaving?”  Annnnnnd it’s Claw-dia for the win.


Team Beauty retreats to a separate corner to regroup with their constituents and find another bar.  Claw-dia apologizes to Demetria, Kenya, and Cynthia for being so ratchet and she can’t believe she sunk to the depths of NayNay vileness.  But read that raggedy ass bitch, she did, and quite adeptly I may add!

Back at the table, NayNay continues to insult Claw-dia and her “folded under bob”, but that doesn’t compare to Nene’s “ramen noodles glued to her forehead.”  In addition, we still have to look at that janky ass wig that Nene has been sporting in her one-on-one interviews with the camera.  If Ms. Leakes is raking in all that coin as she asserts, it’s time to find a new wig gay.

When harsh light of day hits, Nene expresses a morsel of remorse over lunch with Phaedra and Porsha.  Maybe the root of the problem last night was a phenomenon known as “Hanger” – being extremely angry when hungry.  Dayum bitches need to eat some spare ribs.  Kandi informs us she has planned a Bedroom Kandi re-do party on the beach for later (not to be confused with RHNJ re-done home).  The beauties hit the town for some drinks with high concentrations of alcohol and they are still reveling over Claw-dia’s legendary read.

Later, Demetria pays a visit to Phaedra to clear the air with her prior to the do-over beach party.  Demetria apologizes for crossing a boundary and Phaedra states that the Apollo bashing was “day old” stuff, she compares Demetria to a pigeon scavenging for crumbs, and wants to let bygones be just that.  However, our resident southern belle will not offer an apology to save her wig or her Targét (pronounced Tar-zjayyyy) undies.  They do the Bravo mandated “agree to move forward and hug it out”, but Phaedra still manages to throw a jab by questioning Demetria’s choice of boy shorts as undergarments.

The gang heads to the beach re-do party and Porsha is dressed like a blind hooker walkin’ the third shift stroll.  Kandi starts out with a game like hot potato, but they have to pass a dildo to each other using only the fleshy part of their thighs.  There is no music, so Demetria has to sing and when she stops, whomever is holding said dildo between the fleshy part of her thighs is out.  As if this was not odd enough, Kandi also has a bottle of Bosco and a pyramid of Bubble Tape on her prop table.  Porsha is successful at the game, because according to Kenya, “she is holding on to the dildo like it had bought her a Rolls Royce”.

It’s the day of Demetria’s big performance and the Beasts are lounging on the beach, while the Beauties (and Claw-dia’s struggle toes) hang out at the hotel pool shouting “Arrivederci!” to the barely legal bartender.

After the day of separate relaxation, the gang boards the party bus to hell Demetria’s big night.  Nene starts out with a speech about all the shots that have been taken at one another, yet they cannot take each other’s acc-oo-lades away.  Heck, she is feeling sooo good that she is going to give everyone two tickets to see her on Broadway!  Claw-dia attempts to offer a similar statement about acc-oo-lades, but the two quickly lock horns.  Nene, still weak from being read within an inch of her life, actually apologizes to Claw-dia.  Cynthia nudges Claw-dia to just accept the apology and run because it’s more than anyone else has ever gotten from Nene.  Claw-dia then removes her earrings and goes after Porsha for accepting a car from her married African boyfriend and Kenya jumps on this like it’s an oversized genetically modified chicken wang.  Porsha says to Claw-dia “you’re a contradictory!”, and Claw-dia laughs at Porsha for fumbling a two-syllable word.  Somehow all the fighting has caused the party bus driver to have a seizure and the gang arrives at Club Caribe about 20 minutes late.  Demetria is half way through with her ballad, her misguided ice dancer mullet dress is fading fast, and LAWD would someone please get her some blotting papers, STAT!?!?!?


Demetria finishes the ballad and strikes up her bound to be hit song “Keepin’ it 100” and Da’ Bratt makes a 10 second cameo appearance.  Phaedra admits that Demetria “can blow” (actually sing) and the gang gathers after the show to congratulate Demetria and take a group photo, as if they actually exist in harmony.  Next week, Kandi and Todd have some fertility tests, Cynthia finally burns her friend contract with Nene, Phaedra prepares to bid Apollo adieu, and Claw-dia says “Well, Hello” to Kordell Stewart.


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