This week, Claudia’s “struggle toes” reveal themselves and well…they ain’t cute. Her handsome podiatrist diagnoses her with an advanced case o’ da’ corns and a bunion, which will require surgery and a surgical boot for two weeks. Since the gals are headed out on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico (Courtesy of Demetria via Roger Bobb’s mythical wallet), Claw-dia (get it?) decides to forgo the surgery and will bury her falcon toes in the Puerto Rican sand.
Kandi meets Demetria for lunch so she can apologize for the Goche-bomb dropped at the dildo party (because that’s something that never happens at a gathering of this group).
Demetria is very cool about it because she is more interested in kissin’ some Kandi ass. She proclaims her love and respect for Kandi, calling her a “Mogul” and then suggests they collaborate on something. Kandi quickly refers to recent case law “Burruss vs. Wigs-n-Cigs”, which prohibits Kandi from working on any project with anyone in the ATL housewives ring of stolen profits. They continue on to discuss Kandi’s sex toy line… only in the ATL does a lunch conversation over fish tacos wrap up with a consolation prize of remote controlled vibrating panties and the phrase “hold it under his balls.”
Meanwhile, Cynthia is hard at work at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models when her new BFF, Kenya, shows up to discuss assistance with hiring an assistant. Kenya needs an assistant because shit-pot-stirring is a full time job! This whole meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) is merely a front so these two can firm up their anti-Nene alliance and trash talk her privately (on national television), prior to reporting for duty at the dinner table of death in Puerto Rico.
Nene and Phaedra drop by a studio to confirm that Demetria can actually sing. They sit down for a pow-wow and the subject quickly turns to Roger Bobb, who by the way, will not be in Puerto Rico. If we hadn’t seen Roger Bobb taking a fake meeting with Kenya a few episodes ago, I would think he didn’t exist. Demetria reassures the gals that she confronted Roger Bobb about the gauche Gocha incident, but he pulled a Ross Gellar from “Friends”. He clarified that his indiscretion with the Smurf-haired Gocha was during a time when “they were on a break”. Nene and Phaedra roll their eyes in unison and Nene offers Demetria some sage advice “the dog chases the cat!” Phaedra, with dogged determination, begins drilling Demetria about her career. She sounds like Simon Cowell… “Who are you?” “Who is Demetria as an artist?” “What genre is ‘me’?” “Aren’t pop stars younger? You should be doin’ gospel by now!” They continue to discuss the eight long years that Demetria and RB (Roger Bobb) have been on-again off-again and Phaedra “the hammer” Parks continues to pound… “Eight years, what are you waitin’ for, a liver transplant?” Demetria defends her relationship, RB knows that she is “itchin’ for something more” to which our deft Phaedra replies “well just as long as it’s not bacterial vaginosis, CHILE…” They wrap up their review of Demetria’s IMDB page and Phaedra learns that Demetria played a crack head in “House of Payne” and asks if Demetria has ever done crack, because everybody knows that they put gerbils up their butt in Hollywood, so doing a li’l crack is nothing.
The Hot Mess Express delivers the girls to Puerto Rico in teams, first we have Team Beauties consisting of Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and rookie Demetria. Team Beasts is Phaedra, Porsha, and Nene (or shall we say NayNay, because her unhinged, hood-rat, alter ego is the one actually on this trip), and rounding out the trifecta is Team Neutral: Kandi, party of one!
As the ladies are arriving and grumbling about the smallness of their boutique hotel rooms, we are treated to a variety of scenes, but the most important is Demetria’s “divide and conquer” strategy when it comes to Phaedra. She briefs Kandi and Porsha first, stating she “can’t get a fix on Phaedra”. Of course, Kandi defends her BFF and shoots Demetria down like an asteroid. Demetria then turns to Team Beast, who she deems “the fun group”, and Kenya spoon-feeds Demetria the straight dope on our resident southern belle and suggests that Demetria confront shady Phaedra as soon as humanly possible.
NayNay and Phaedra arrive later and while NayNay whines about the size of her room, Phaedra straps on her magnifier reading glasses and has them turnt up to atomic blast.
First, she insults Demetria’s stylist, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with”. Clearly irked by the emphasis and tone on the word “this”, he waits for Phaedra to leave, gives a twirl that Kenya would be proud of, and calls Phaedra “late, old, and dry.” Later, NayNay and Phaedra visit with Porsha the dumbass in hopes to trade rooms, but all Porsha has to offer is the fact that Demetria feels somekindaway about Phaedra. I reckon Porsha was just hitting her cue, we needed to have the beef on the table before the impending mandatory group dinner of doom.
At said group dinner, Demetria wastes no time diving into the beef and she confronts Phaedra straight away about the tactless line of questioning about RB and her career. Phaedra’s plays the “I’m just being honest”. keepin’ it 100 defense, which is about as worn out and tired as the thighs of an old hooker. In response, Demetria hands her a mathematically challenged, one two punch, “the only thing we have in common is the number eight”, referencing the length of Apollo’s prison sentence and the length of time Demetria and RB have been together (albeit forgetting to carry the one and subtract the pesky li’l breaks!)
The beef between Phaedra and Demetria continues, but we only hear them caterwauling in the background because NayNay starts making cracks and Claudia will no longer hide her hammertoes in the sand. She dives on NayNay, the “founding father of shadiness” in her “George Washington wig”. At the other side of the table, Cynthia tries to facilitate an apology between Demetria and Phaedra, then NayNay goes off on her for meddling. Claudia pipes up and notes they are being bitchy and catty, they need to put the issues on the table, and resolve them like grown ass women. Oy, Claudia, have you not seen this show? NayNay labels Claudia as the wanna be “it” girl, “you got the I, but you are missing in the T, proceed with caution.”
As NayNay and Claudia trade insults about educational backgrounds, former stripper careers, uncooked hot ramen noodle wigs, having edges at a certain age, half-breed whores, and female body parts that rhyme with Dolores, Kandi comments that Claudia is reading NayNay like hooked on phonics! Which she is, and props to Claudia for speaking up. Next week the reading continues, we find out if the damn southwestern eggrolls make it to this dinner table, and the rest of the Puerto Rico trip continues to disintegrate.