Bad Vibes

We start this week with Cynthia and Peter visiting their prospective location for the revamp of the ill-fated Bar One.  They have found an old building that, according to their realtor, is right next to an old funeral home that housed the body of Martin Luther King Jr.  Cynthia takes this as “a sign”, but I take it as “a sign” that maybe he attended the same history class as Porsha.  Cynthia swoons over the outdoor area that looks like it was housing an illegal orphanage, but even though the place is a hot mess, Cynthia sees the dim light at the end of the tunnel.

Meanwhile, at a successful business, Kandi has a brief meeting with Claudia at the Kandi Factory and Claudia is clearly networking and trying to find her footing in this established ensemble of full blown bat shit cray cray.  Kandi tells her that Kandi Koated Nights will be making a comeback and she invites Claudia to be a guest.  On the show premiere night, Claudia asks the Production Assistant fetch her some wine with very specific instructions, “fill it up all the way to the top, don’t be stingy on that!”  The topic of the show is bidness vs. pleasure and Kandi notes that she and Todd have a hard time finding a balance, they are always talking bidness in the bedroom.  Kandi hints at some illicit activity between Claudia and former co-worker Jaimie Foxx, but Claudia insists they were like brother and sister.  They play a little gamelette called “What would you do for the right price?” and Claudia will only go as far as a make out sesh with Kandi for $500, luckily this is all hypothetical.

Claudia-Wine

Phaedra is wandering around on her driveway with some contractors to discuss the installation of a fence, preferably electrified with enough juice to jolt an intruder with the white hot heat of 1,000 suns (this means you, Apollo!)  Apollo must sense the jig is up and the locks are about to be changed, because he rolls up off the streets and starts acting like he’s part of this home improvement decision.  The ATL skies start to sprinkle and Phaedra takes her cue, she must get inside because she is “all sugar” and will surely melt.

Phaedra-Fence

Later, Phaedra is hard at work at her jobsssss, she heads off to an event where she will be recognized by the National Bar Association as one of the top attorneys in the nation, or something.  Seeing as how we don’t see much of Phaedra’s lawyering skills, aside from the case of She by Sheeree’s divorce proceedings and the recent hairburglar case, it’s hard to imagine she would be receiving such a high honor.  At any rate, Phaedra says she contemplated declining the award, but her “at the end of the day” speech reveals that she will not let her personal life disgusting, felon, taco-meat chest haired, no good, ne’er do well husband tarnish her professional life.

Kenya and her Aunt Lori (her personal Iyanla) visit a spa to have some cereal put on their faces and drink plant-based green smoothies.  There isn’t much to this interaction other than Kenya taking the opportunity to put Nene on blast for having extensive plastic surgery and to receive some praise from her Aunt Loriyanla for pretending to be the bigger, better person for smoothing things out with Porsha and Nene.  About as smooth as that facial…

Kenya-Facial

Nene is busily ordering around her man servant hubby Gregg, and she has unchained him from the toilet long enough to sift through all of her boxes from Overstock.com.  While Gregg toils away wondering if African soap is only for Africans, Nene gets a call from her manager and he lays out three Broadway opportunities for her:  Chicago, Rock of Ages, and Cinderella.  Nene doesn’t like the idea of being the “wicked step mother” in Cinderella because she is truly delusional such a nice person.  Her agent encourages her to step outside the box, push out of her comfort zone, oh and by the way…it will be a nice check.  Nene is no longer Donald Trump rich bitch, she is Broadway Cinderella rich!

Nene-Cinderella

Kandi is prepped and ready for the Bedroom Kandi party, where only ladies are permitted.  No men allowed, in light of the especially disastrous “Pillow Talk” event, where Apollo beat a defenseless Brandon within an inch of his Gucci loafers.  Nene, who is not even wearing one of her patented “cold shoulder” tops, is certainly dishing out the ice.  She snubs Kenya and compares her to a drunken “one night stand” and she dismisses Claudia as if she were the hired help.  Claudia pulls Nene aside to confront her, but Nene brushes it off as “that’s just Nene” (i.e., why yes, I am an asshole) and Nene also claims that Claudia associates with people she doesn’t like (i.e., everyone else living and breathing in society).  Kandi has a “sexologist”, Dr. Rachel Ross, who will facilitate this strange get together and she wants to start with an ice breaker bondage game.  Confirming their increasingly tenuous relationship, Cynthia and Nene refuse to participate, so Dr. Rachel bonds Claudia and Nene together, which they both tolerate.

Next, the ladies talk about their relationships and Demetria introduces herself and states that she has been off and on with Roger Bobb for seven years, she would accept a honey nut Cheerio glued to a twist tie for an engagement ring if only he would ask, oh and his man parts are exquisite.  WTMI.  Kandi’s friend, blue haired Gocha, chimes in right on cue… she dated Roger Bobb as well, and not that long ago.  When Roger was in Vegas with Demetria, he informed Gocha that Demetria was “just his artist.”

Goche

Demetria looks like the cheese just fell off her cracker and she and her Overstock.com pant suit walk out, with Cynthia trailing.  Nene, the soul-crushing relationship expert, points out to the group that dating for seven years is a red flag, especially when you are 40 years old.  Outside, Demetria insists Gocha is lying about her exquisite Mr. Bobb.

Back inside, Dr. Rachel unintentionally provides a pixelated, multi-racial dildo metaphor – and we see that relationships are not always black and white.

Dildos

Next week, Claudia’s ugly feet make an appearance and the girls go to Puerto Rico and bash each other’s relationships.

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