Cabbage and Beef

This week it’s all about squashing the beef with added filler.  Let’s start with Kandi and Mama Joyce who get together with the Ol’ Lady Gang (OLG) over some fried chicken-n-biscuits to celebrate the closing on Mama’s new home that Kandi paid for.  Mama refuses to give Kandi a key because, well…Mama is bitter, she has to “ring four bells” before she can gain entry to Kandi’s McMansion.  Mama is so short sighted, Kandi should have a key in the event Mama has fallen and can’t get up.  Oh and that pesky li’l detail…SHE PAID FOR THE HOME.  The OLG offers a counter point, Todd might choose to be “walkin’ ‘round nekkid” in his own marital home, and therefore Mama cannot have a key.  Besides, who in the hell would be walkin’ ‘round nekkid in Mama’s home???  Kandi murmurs while sputtering some chicken skin out of her mouth, “you know Bennie gonna be right there.”  Yeah, playing “Whack-a-Mole” in the new bathrooms?  Aunt Bertha, voice of reason, pleads – “Let’s eat before you all start discussing ‘bout the keys, and the men’s, and the walking nekkid!”  Amen… Aunt Bertha is my new spirit animal.  Kandi decides to reveal a “key” piece of information to the OLG…Todd’s mother, Sharon, wants an apology or she will be serving up a knuckle sandwich with a side of red beans-n-rice.  Aunt Bertha says “bring it, she better come correct!”  Mama Joyce adds this li’l nugget, “she better not come like no cabbage!”  Aunt Bertha clarifies the statement, it means “Don’t come with all head and no ASS!”

Later, Kandi summons Todd into her office and has him take a seat in the hot pink pleather chair of torture.  First off, she is not happy with the floundering ticket sales for “A Mother’s Love”, which is on tour in 26 cities.  Then we get to the real meat of this meeting, Mama Joyce has no intention of apologizing to Sharon, EVA.  Todd gives the routine Bravo househusband “at the end of the day” speech and concludes that they will do holidays separately if the two Mama’s are gonna be “showin’ out.”  Kandi doesn’t like his solution, she gives him a “Girl, BYE”, and walks away to avoid a potentially marriage-crushing issue the argument.

Meanwhile, across town, Nene stops at a restaurant to throw shade and meet “a girl with a lotta weave in her hair”, which is how she is describing her latest lap dog, Porsha.  These two have a meeting of the mind (singular) to rehash the Nene/Cynthia battle.  Nene is still sporting her straw, bowl-cut, hair system, which tells me her judgment is seriously impaired.  At the end of the day… Nene will arrange a kiki for the girls to get together for a good ol’ fashioned meow down and wig burning.

Cynthia drags Claudia to the “J Spot” so that Derek can perform a makeover because she feels Claudia needs to put forth more of an effort.  Claudia takes the “constructive criticism” in stride as Derek pretends to curl her hair, they gossip about Demetria’s epic fail of a party, and Derek J reveals that he bolted after five minutes of the party to go find a chicken wang.  The name Roger Bobb pops up again in this scene at least five times and of course none of these chuckleheads are aware that he was in a relationship.  Saved by the bell, Cynthia receives an ominous text from Nene “bring your girl, Kenya, for drinks and girl talk”.

Kenya and her friend Brandon meet with a realtor to look at some office space because since her fake meeting with Roger Bobb, she is going to need a fake space for herself and her two fake assistants.  They find a space big enough for Brandon to install his bunk beds and disco balls.  Cynthia calls Kenya in the midst of the real estate tour to invite Kenya to the pow wow with Nene.  Kenya knows a set up when she smells it and will be good and lotioned up for this event!

Claudia gets together with her mother (Teresa) and her grandmother (Lillian).  They have just arrived in the ATL and Lillian is ready to roll a smoke.  Claudia takes them out for a little ATL culture at “Lips”, a drag queen restaurant.  They discuss Claudia’s private life, having a baby without a husband, and how Teresa never said “I love you” to Claudia.  This Mama takes a page from Phaedra’s book of “love is a verb” and says “actions speak louder than words”.  They receive their fruity drinks from the drag queen and toast to Claudia finding a baby daddy, Lillian says “be careful because I heard these Atlanta men are slick!”  Lillian is my new spirit animal.

Claudia-Mamas

Not much on Phaedra this week, she briefed her mother, Pastor Regina, on the awfulness that is Apollo Nida and concludes that he should have married a hillbilly if he can’t handle the fact that Phaedra is a bad-ass BOSS.  Later, to reinforce that Apollo is MIA and Phaedra is holding down the fort with her seven nannies, Phaedra assists her boys in brushing their teeth and reading bedtime stories.  Ayden calls his brother to bed for story time, hearing him say “Mr. President, come here, we need you!” is EVERYTHANG!

Phaedra-Boys

Nene selects the very apropos “Arena Tavern” for the fight card this evening.  Nene informs her lackey, Porsha, that Kenya will be attending and they must have a conversation and apologize to each other.  Porsha looks like someone just threw up in her Chanel bag.  Cynthia and Kenya arrive and Nene orders a round of drinks so they can all get a little “punch drunk” first.  We start with the undercard, Nene vs. Cynthia – DING DING DING…Nene is still reeling from their prior discussion, Kenya keeps butting in trying to guide an apology that will never happen, Porsha and Kenya leave the ring.  WHOA…Cynthia offers an apology for blindsiding Nene and asks for an apology back, but no cigar.  Nene needs time to process all of this and suggests they have a re-match in two years.

We have another undercard tonight, Cynthia vs. Porsha – they bicker about Porsha being late.  Nene doesn’t give a shit, she wants to hear the sound of vodka being poured over the rocks.  Kenya and Nene return, looking like they did a shot or five at the bar.  Kenya starts yelling to Cynthia and interrupting, and Porsha calls her “rude as a motherf*cker!”  This one is a draw.

Porsha-Rude

On to the main event, Kenya vs. Porsha – the crowd chants to Porsha “APOLOGIZE… APOLOGIZE”, but no go.  All she does is acknowledge that she made a “choice”, just like one makes a “choice” to buy grasshopper cookies at the grocery store when they already have a case of thin mints at home in the freezer.  Kenya walks over, she gets Porsha against the ropes, we expect a TKO, but instead offers an unprecedented firm hug to the breadbasket!  She offers to take responsibility for her part of what happened.  Porsha doesn’t hear Kenya say “my part” and accepts the hug under the pretense that Kenya is taking responsibility for the entire brawl, scepter and all.  As if Porsha pulled no weave at all, and this is her “get out of jail free card”.  She takes NO responsibility whatsoever, proving that she is immature as a mother f*cker!

The owner of the tavern bops over because he sees Nene and Kenya are lit and wearing super short shorts.  He asks if the ladies are going to dance on the bar and Kenya, who is clearly lit up like a Christmas tree, kicks her lotioned leg in the air, “no ash tonight, Giirrrrll!”

NoAsh

Next week, Cynthia and Peter move on up to another dump, Nene gives Claudia the cold shoulder, and more Roger Bobb dating debacle.

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