Side Bobb

We start this week with Kandi and her continued family drama.  This week, Aunt Nora is carrying her oversized purse everywhere she goes while hosting a cookout for her notorious granny gang.  Kandi and Mama continue to ice each other out over the fact that Mama’s man tore up Kandi’s old house.  There is a lot of ol’ lady bitchin’ in the kitchen, but the only thing that grabs my attention here is that Kandi has a cousin named “Weenie” who’s gettin’ all up in Kandi’s grill under the meat tent.  Kandi and Mama finally sit down in the living room and Kandi actually has to read back some damning texts to Mama in order to remind her of what she typed in her latest irrational stupor.  Realizing she is on full-blown blast, Mama reverts to her medicinal safe haven with her medicinal Wal-Mart wedgie murder shoe.  Mama is on somekindameds to prevent an aneurism.  Hence, Kandi backs off, they agree not to fight, and have a non-forced hug.  (More on forced hugs later…)

Cynthia is at the Bailey Agency for wayward, slow-walkin’ models when Demetria McKinney shows up.  She is apparently an old friend of Cynthia’s and she hopes they can drum up some profitable bidness.  Demetria has an upcoming music video release party and she needs models for the event.  Cynthia and Demetria lay the groundwork for the latest drama by discussing the status of Roger Bobb, who is Demetria’s manager and boyfriend of eight years.  Cynthia notes that she and Peter have know Roger for a decade and have never known him to have a significant other longer than a fortnight.  Demetria said they had to lay low because Tyler Perry wasn’t havin’ any romance on the set of “House of Payne.”  Cynthia mentions she will also invite her new BFF Kenya, to the video release party, but Demetria already seems to have an issue because of a photo that was taken long ago with Kenya and Roger.  It was splashed all over the blogs and rumored that Kenya and Roger were together.  Blogs?  Really, who is reading “the blogs”???

Later, Kenya is at her own photo shoot while Cynthia supervises.  Given her renewed passion for acting, Kenya figures new publicity photos are in order and Cynthia is full of pointers… “move your hand over a little bit, it’s too close to your coochie.”  Where was Cynthia’s advice when it came to Kenya’s clothing?  Kenya is wearing an iridescent bronze pleather onesie that looks like the remnants of a soiled couch from the Studio 54 dumpster.  Claudia is not looking much better, she shows up dressed like Captain Planet Bananas.  She fights her mortal enemies off with her slick banana peel cape, causing them to slip and plummet to their deaths!

Claudia-Banana

Kenya has a moment of delusion and compares the trio to the “Sex and the City” ladies, Cynthia being Charlotte, Kenya being Carrie, and Claudia being Samantha…if Kenya is akin to anything from “Sex and the City”, it would be aging socialite Bitsy von Muffling.  Claudia brings up this event that Roger Bobb invited her to and Kenya jumps all up in it saying “he’s a good catch!”  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it right away and informs them Roger is spoken for.  Kenya is stunned to learn of this because apparently Roger gets around.  They are all invited to Demetria’s event, but Cynthia warns that the old photo of Kenya and Roger may be a problem with Demetria.  Kenya simply cannot respond to every false rumor out there on “the blogs”, it would take her as much time to respond as it would for some girls to grow their edges back.”  SHADE ALERT:  “I’m not naming any names Nene, I’m not.”

Meanwhile, Nene doesn’t give a shit about her edges because she’s busy at HSN Headquarters, where she arrives with her personal beyotch husband, Gregg.  Nene and her gays size up the new Nene clothing collection to ensure proper styling.  If she has gay men on her staff, why the hell didn’t they slap her and rip off that burnt-up, fried, dyed, and on the side, irregular wig?  ICYMI:

Bye Wig

Nene has a prime spot on HSN, midnight to 4:00 a.m., when the shoppers are good-n-hammered with their credit cards strewn across their coffee tables.  She touts the same drapey, peekaboo shoulder shirt for an hour and a half.  She bitches about being tired every chance she gets, but peps up when she receives news that her hard work paid off, the tunic she just spent 90 minutes of her life hawking, has sold out!  BLOOP!

Phaedra drops by Kandi’s place to catch up, and Kandi reveals that her older cousin Melvin is in prison and his son has been living with her in the McMansion.  Little Melvin, as he is called, is conveniently in the kitchen when Phaedra arrives and readily available to give Phaedra advice on how to tell her children about Apollo’s imminent trip to the clink.  Melvin recommends that Phaedra be honest with little Ayden and Mr. President so that they won’t harbor resentments later in life when they learn the truth.  Melvin did not appreciate the lies, he eventually put two and two together and came up with five.  Phaedra appreciates his sage words, but still doesn’t want to cough up the truth.

Roger Bobb gets a visit from Kenya and her relationship wrecking ball booty.  The visit is veiled as a brazen business seeking opportunity, but she is really Bobbing for information on his non-Facebook-official relationship status.  Kenya gives her fake sales pitch, which goes something like “hey Roger Bobb, I know you are obligated by the Bravo Mob to pretend to know me, so give me my own show and make me famous because I’m just that fabulous and I really need to break away from all of this Bravo mandated bullshit, it’s really bringin’ me down.”  Roger commits to workshopping the idea, says her dreams will come true, and Kenya should get to work on her Emmy acceptance speech.  Then Kenya gets to the meat of her visit, the old photo of them and the swirling couple rumors out there on “the blogs!”  Those damn blogs!  Roger confirms Demetria is “my lady” and extends an invite to Kenya to Demetria’s video release party.

It’s the big night of Demetria’s party and she is not so much releasing a video as she is releasing her side-Bobb boob!  Cynthia and Peter arrive and Peter is dressed like a slack jawed yokel who is about to ride the tractor out into the field and harvest some grain.  We learn that Roger Bobb won’t be present due to a last minute work thang, which becomes immediate fodder for the girls to question the seriousness of their relationship.  Claudia asks Demetria if after seven years of dating, shouldn’t Roger Bobb be proposing?  Demetria responds by saying “he could propose with a Cheerio and I would say yes!”  Sounds like Demetira has a great outlook, set your expectations low so you won’t be disappointed.  Cheerio my ass!

Kenya is pissed that Roger Bobb isn’t there since he personally invited her.  It’s a waste of an outfit and a weave at this point, but not before Demetria can charge Kenya and get up in her grill.  Cynthia is in the corner, huddled up with Phaedra’s prayer cloth, asking Jesus to guide Kenya out of the scuttlebutt of darkness.  Demetria comes at Kenya a bit strong regarding the photo of Kenya and Roger Bobb, but Kenya handles it calmly (for now until we have to hear about this 27 more times) and tells Demetria in a rather back handed way, that she “likes money” and isn’t after Roger Bobb.  Demetria claims “she’s chill” and they are all good.  Now we know this can’t be the end of this subject and we know they are not “chill”, it’s just not in the Bravo formula for needless drama over fake problems.

Kenya-Demetria

The real drama at this party is the presence of Apollo.  Before Peter leaves to feed the goats and clean out the silo, he walks Apollo over to the ladies to say hello.  Phaedra gives her hubby a very fake and very forced hug and kiss hello, but ends up vomiting in her mouth.  Apollo forces Phaedra sit next to him and expects her to be “loving and cordial” and tells her that if she won’t play his game, he can flip the script on her real quick.  She is completely ignoring him and tells him he can talk to her at home, not in the middle of this social setting.  Apollo gives her a hug and Phaedra looks like she would rather be starring in a Tijuana donkey show than sitting next to her felon husband.

Apollo-Hug

Meanwhile, Demetria has been experiencing technical difficulties all night and her intern can’t get her DVD to play.  The party is a total bust and the gang is all wobbly from playing the “Roger Bobb Drinking Game” (they said “Roger Bobb” 19 times).  All of the ladies blow the pop-stand in unison as Cynthia mutters, “told you we should have done the party at Bar One!”

Next week, Nene concedes to filming with her cast mates and she invites Porsha, Kenya, and Cynthia out for a little “girl talk” and it looks like it goes in the shitter faster than a blink of a false eyelash.

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