Stale Quackers 

Kenya visits her BFF, Claudia, who has just moved into a sexy corner apartment with a great view of the ATL.  Claudia’s furniture has not arrived yet and Kenya is forced to sit on an IKEA grade rug and drink Cardboardeaux out of reality show required red solo cups.  Claudia knows Kenya has swilled some Mad Dog 20/20, kiwi flavor, out of a brown paper bag, so what’s up with the act!  Claudia has a cat and Kenya freaks because she is completely canine.  They make a few obligatory “pussy” jokes before Claudia makes Kenya help her assemble furniture.  They discuss the “liar and a whore” accusations that have been hurled at Kenya for the past two years and Claudia offers us this gem, “you’re not a liar and you’re not a whore.  You’re a little cray cray, occasionally ashy, but not a whore.”  Twirl on ‘dat!  Claudia decides that two beauty queens cannot put together “this raggedy ass furniture” so they go out into the hall to find a handy single man.  So far, I do like Claudia and she brings some good one liners to the table.

Claudia CatLater, Claudia and Kenya continue to bond over the shapes of their assess.  While at the gym, Claudia pulls a “coochie muscle” on the inner thigh machine and they call it a work out.  They sit down to stretch because that’s when all good heart-to-heart moments happen.  Claudia discusses the racism she faced growing up and her mom is due in ATL for a visit, but their relationship is quite strained.  She and her mother don’t exchange “I love yous” and Claudia is actually very close with her grandmother on her paternal side.  Of course all roads lead back to Kenya and now that Claudia has shared this, she feels they have bonded for life, given her own maternal misfortune.

Workout Buddies

Kandi and Todd visit the wreckage that is Kandi’s old house where Mama Joyce was squatting.  Apparently Mama Joyce’s boyfriend was going to do renovations, but then she decided not to move in since the house wasn’t in her name.  The house is tore up from the floor up and Kandi is pissed.  She assesses there is at least $10K or more of damage and it’s a month out from being in rental shape.  Todd takes a moment to ask Kandi when she will draw the line with the holy terror that is Mama Joyce.  All this time, Todd was the “no good boyfriend”, as if Mama Joyce had herself a real keeper?  Kandi won’t throw Mama from the train just yet, but Todd has a valid point.  Kandi never presents Mama with any negative consequences and now she has a house that looks like it’s been trashed by unsavory raving teenagers.  Meanwhile, Mama comfortably lands her ass in the nice new house that Kandi paid for.

Kandi-Trashed House

Across town, Cynthia, her mother, and good for nuthin’ troublemaker sister are hanging out and cooking dinner.  Cynthia uses her family time to vent about the Nene mess, the mean tweets, and defaming interviews where Nene is bad mouthing her.  Cynthia admits that she let Nene’s bad behavior go on way too long.  Look out everybody, Cynthia is gearing up for a beat-down.

In other bitching while eating news, Phaedra and Kandi get together for some guacamole and Kandi tells Phaedra about the discussion with Kenya and the “lying about lying-gate” but Phaedra doesn’t give a shit.  She maintains that Kenya dug her own hole by exhibiting inappropriate, whore-like behavior.  Kandi has a genius idea, let’s get all the girls together for dinner and do the patented Bravo dance move, the “deny, deny, deny, half-ass apologize, move forward”.  Phaedra says she will attend the shit show, but expects it will be another night at the “circus with the monkeys.”

Nene and Gregg are teaching their son, Brentt, how to drive.  Why do all the men in Nene’s life have two consonants at the end of their names?  Gregg dresses for combat while Nene discusses the upcoming “squash the beef dinner”.  Allow Ms. Leakes to be clear, she has no intention to apologize to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The group dinner from hell is being held at a place called “Einstein’s”.  I guess it’s a restaurant for people with “brainy” ideas, such as getting a group of women who want to rip out each other’s intestines and use them as their own personal jump ropes.  Phaedra and Kandi are first to arrive and they conduct a quick “Jesus take the wheel, save us from the whores” prayer.  Cynthia arrives, “serving sexy” because she has to look damn good when she punches Nene in the throat with an open fist.  Kenya shows up next with her boobs popping out of her dress, playing into her Moore-Whore persona.  Porsha and her bangs are invited to this dinner, but for someone who is not a peach-holding cast member, she sure is getting a lot of air time.  Nene walks in wearing all the attitude the ATL had in stock.  Kandi kicks off the peace summit and hands the talking stick to Kenya.  She addresses the Apollo-text-gate lying about lying-gate.  Nene absolves herself immediately from any wrong doing, but Phaedra proudly owns up to her statements, “I’ll say loud and clear I called you a whore and I called you a slut because if it look like a duck, quack like a duck, it’s yella, and it swim in a pool, IT’S A DUCK!”  Kenya says she forgives Phaedra and Kandi notes that Apollo has cleared Kenya’s name and they shouldn’t be breathing life into this fiasco.  Nene, that f*cking shit stirrer, asks Kandi if she supports Apollo or Phaedra.  Kandi remains calm, despite Nene trying to bait her, then Phaedra pipes up and offers to clear the slate, but do not be mistaken…it is not even a resemblance of a half-assed apology.  They all agree to move forward and it’s about time.  This story line is about as stale as the broke down saltines the waiter is serving.  Round two is next with Nene vs. Cynthia… Nene’s opening move is to plead ignorance of any falling out, but Cynthia points out that they both know what it is that caused the rift.  Cynthia addresses the ill-fated charity event where Nene behaved like an asshole and then started in on Peter, and eventually called him a bitch at a subsequent social gathering from hell.  Cynthia can’t even get a word in and Nene gives her a “Girl, BYE!”  Cynthia must have overlooked the “every argument shall be one-sided” addendum to the friend contract.  Nene is sweating like a farm animal and she raises white napkins to her face.

Nene Napkins

This may be her version of a white flag, she has officially given up on the friendship.  Somewhere in the ATL, Cynthia’s lawyer is drafting an iron-clad friend contract 2.0 so she can get Kenya locked down.  Next week Cynthia and Nene get some one on one time to cry off their false eyelashes, but I don’t expect a reconciliation.  And in a much more interesting story line, Derek J. is accused of being a “hair burglar” and he seeks the counsel of Ms. Phaedra Parks.

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One thought on “Stale Quackers 

  1. Gregg was super fun and cute with the helmet, pillow held on by a belt, shoulder pads…So funny! Every teens right of passage.

    Mama Joyce is so irresponsible. That house! Is she at all ashamed at her actions, words of lies and hate to a now dead son-in-laws own Mother? What about this recent behavior of Joyce trashing a perfectly nice home. Who does that?! And who does that to their own daughter?
    I used to be a fan of Mama Joyce, but her true colors are showing and it is beyond disrespectful. What will she do to the new mansion, that Kandi bought for her, should Kandi not mind her mother? Burn it down with Todd inside?

    Cynthia, find your own voice. Not Kenya’s 2.0 beta. Cynthia is truly a nice person and she cannot do drama because it’s not in her nature. That will kill her career. Please just be sweet Cynthia.
    Porscha – Bye Porscha

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