Flip Flop on That

This whole episode is about flip-flopping and we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout footwear!  We start with Kenya, who is plant shopping with her aunt Lori and venting about her evil cast mates.  Lori urges Kenya to forgive them, even Porsha too.  Kenya must kill them with kindness and be the grown up.  We flip-flop back and forth with a similar meeting between Kandi, Porsha, and Phaedra.  Kandi is poised and ready to fill them in on the drama that ensued at Cynthia’s “hey be proud of me, I went to work one day” party.  When they hear that Apollo has been feeding them out of his lunch box full of lies, Porsha is astonished, Phaedra seems bewildered and aggravated, and Kandi looks like she wants to run and hide.  Phaedra is clearly reeling from the shock because she immediately says she owes Kenya an apology (as the Bravo intern slips her paycheck into her handbag).  Phaedra says “excuse me Jesus, but this is beyond f*ckery, it’s f*ck-ation.”  Yes, indeed it is.

Discuss Apollo

Later, Kandi and Todd are hanging out with some Kandi Koated toys and she brings up the “let’s try for a baby” discussion, but no-good opportunist Todd is going to be traveling for work.  He ain’t up for birthin’ no baby right now!  Kandi mentions that she is 38 and “wants to knock this out”, but they sideline the baby plan when she realizes Todd is going to be MIA for the next several months.  She cracks the Kandi Koated whip and Todd pulls a Bawby from RHNJ and hides in the bathroom.  Later, Todd’s daughter Kaela arrives and she meets Kandi’s daughter Riley.  The initial caucus is a bit awkward, both girls look like they would rather be hanging out around the food court dumpsters at the local mall than sitting there discussing allowance and curfews with their respective parents who are not even on the same parenting page.  Riley is giving us a bit of “Mama Joyce in training”, she gives Kaela a very cold shoulder and a tad of a read when they discuss curfew and the fact that Kaela gets to troll around town until 1:00 a.m.  To that, Riley says, “well when I’m 18, I am going to be in college.”

The moment we have all waited for, we get to see how annoying Claudia Jordan will be this season!  Here’s the rundown:

  • Claudia is a model, host, Miss U.S.A. contestant, comedienne, and a “loveable asshole”.
  • We know her from “Celebrity Apprentice” (and we use the term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • She worked on “Let’s Make a Deal”, “Deal or No Deal”, and “The Price is WRONG, BITCH Right”, which garnered her much fame in retirement homes and prisons. Which, if you think about it, is a rather copious, untapped sector of the television audience market.
  • She has known Kenya for over ten years, bless her heart.
  • She is bi-racial and she is divorced.
  • She drags Kenya out furniture shopping to look for a very sturdy bed because Claudia has been known to lose a tooth in bed, and not while sleeping.

Claudia-GameShow

I see potential conflict for these two on the distant horizon.  Claudia is a lot like Kenya and a Kenya divided against herself cannot stand.

Claudia-Kenya

Nene is back in da’ hood and she only has time for mimosas with Porsha.  The subject of Claudia Jordan comes up and Nene flashes some serious side eye and says “oh the thirst is real!”  Meaning Claudia is a thirsty bitch looking for work and that’s why she is in the ATL.  Porsha fills Nene in about Apollo’s confession and Nene isn’t sure what to think, she doesn’t understand why the lie would have gone on for two years.  Ugh…Nene, have you seen this show?  Nene doesn’t think this warrants any type of apology for Kenya because once a ho, always a ho.

Thirst Real

Apollo goes to see the only attorney in town, Randy Kessler, to discuss divorce.  He isn’t worried about going to prison, but he is worried about his standard of living after he gets out.  He can’t be reduced to working a minimum wage job, that simply won’t do!  It is here where Apollo shows his true “f*ckery f*ck-ation”, does he not realize he is a felon and won’t even be able to get a job panhandling?  The best he can do is maybe getting a job turning tater tots on the buffet at the Clermont Lounge.

It’s the final ten minutes of the show so we commence the Cynthia vs. Porsha throw down.  Porsha is tardy for the Party (over an hour late), which is never a wise move when confronting someone who is already prepared to send your broke-ass weave back to the loom.  Cynthia throws some major shade, “the heifer came in an hour late in a cheap blue jumpsuit”.

Porsha Argue

Although, our local fashion model is dressed as Urkel, as if she lost a bet, and really doesn’t have much room to talk.  After they finish arguing about Porsha’s lateness, they go at each other like a couple of rabid ferrets on a hot waffle iron.  All I can really deduce here is that there is a lot of flip-flopping and long E.T. finger waving.

Cynthia ET Finger

Porsha is upset because Cynthia has been flip-flopping about Reunion-gate, where Porsha was provoked by Kenya’s scepter waving and inappropriate bullhorn use.  Cynthia flings shade like a monkey at the zoo flings his own… “Porsha is flip flopping on some married man for cars and bags, flip flop on that!”  OY VEY…where is Nene when we need her?  CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN, TRASHBOX!

TrashBoxCynthia pulls a page from her new and improved Sensei Kenya’s book “if you don’t want me to come for you, don’t come for me!”  For some reason, they are not in a vacant restaurant and everyone is staring at them, horrified and laughing at the same time.  Both hags declare a draw and Cynthia walks her spherical booty out the door… “Bye Felicia!”

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