Low Down Dirty Shame

What better way to start this shit show than with precious li’l Ayden getting his teeth cleaned.  Since Phaedra won’t let Apollo see the boys, daddy has to slink into the dental appointment to get a quick visit.  Phaedra doesn’t even acknowledge her grade-A, sketchball hubby and I don’t think even the dentist can drill through the palatable tension between these two.  Besides, the dentist is a hottie and Phaedra may soon be available.

In the chair, Dr. Hottie coaches Ayden to say “teamwork brushing”, which he does in his cute little voice… “teamwork brushing, working together.”  Apollo will soon be doing a lot of “teamwork” in lockup and Phaedra has her own plan to raise her boys to be strong black men, “no Dustin Diamonds, no McCauley Culkins, and no Gary Colemans.”  Whatever that means.

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi has concocted a brilliant plan to buy Mama Joyce a new house conveniently located right down the street from her and Todd.  Kandi discussed this stellar plan with her husband, but he thinks Kandi is once again being a push over and Mama should have been happy with Kandi’s hand me down house.  Todd leaps around the kitchen and tells Kandi she is acting like Oprah… “you get a house, you get a house, and you get a house!”  Mama Joyce arrives to go house hunting and Kandi leaves them alone for a few minutes.  Alone.  In the kitchen.  With knives.  It’s a combination of idle chit chat, stank face, and side eye.  Kandi and Mama drive half a block to the new home and it’s love at first sight.  I am not sure the seven bedrooms, four full bathrooms, swimming pool, and basketball court are enough for a single 60 year old woman.  She really needs eight bedrooms and a gym to house her army of senior skanks.  Kandi remains blissfully ignorant and indicates that she is so glad to have Mama nearby for when she and Todd pop out a baby.  Mama tells Kandi she had a dream that Todd had a vasectomy, Kandi scoffs, “well okay Miss Cleo”!  Kandi takes the one-on-one opportunity to discuss how Todd’s reaction to Mama has been proportionate to Mama’s shitty, asshole-like behavior.  Kandi also encourages Mama to apologize to Todd’s mother Sharon, for calling her a pimp and a prostitute.  But not a shot in hell, if anything Mama expects an apology from Sharon for calling her an asshole when in fact she was just “acting” like an asshole.  Way to lay the confrontation groundwork between Mama and Sharon.  Although I would like to see that, Sharon is scrappy and has some good fight in her.  The only skill Mama has exhibited is threatening with a deadly Wal-Mart wedge sandal.

Kenya and her friend Brandon get together for some tea and shade.  They rehash the reunion brawl, but Brandon wants Kenya to get back to being her ol’ diva self.  He gives her a pep talk and Kenya invites him to accompany her to a get together for Cynthia (more on that later).  Brandon declines because he doesn’t want to see Apollo and be put in the position for another “beige on beige crime”.  Brandon sits down at the piano and they hammer out their next top 40 hit called “Really Bitch?!?!”  I hate to say it, but I think the song idea actually has some legs.

Really Bitch

Across the nation in Vegas, it’s opening night at “Zumanity”.  Nene and she is freaked out about doing live theater and she worries that the orgy scene may throw her off because of all the tea bagging.  I love how the phrase “tea bagging” rolls off her tongue like she just plucked as her word of the day from “Urban Dictionary”, but yet the thought of professional actors staging an orgy scene skeeves her out.  Her moment arrives and the stage crew stuffs Nene in a pod, which transports her up to stage level.  Nene felt like the HBIC during her performance and says she “grew a pair of balls” during her performance.  She may want to have that looked at.

Nene-Performing

Earlier we learned that Cynthia was in a five-page spread for Ebony Magazine and Peter decided to throw a party at the flailing Bar One to acknowledge her accomplishment.  Imagine that, Cynthia who is a MODEL for a living, was in a magazine.  How amazing, let’s have a party because you worked?  The party should have been themed “Bravo mandated soiree to exclude certain cast mates for the purpose of fanning drama flames and to put feuding cast mates in room together for heightened awkwardness”.

Cynthia arrives at her “I went to work one day” themed party, looking rather stunning.  Kandi and Cynthia dish the dirt on the uninvited party guests and Kenya arrives with new housewife, Claudia Jordan, as her plus one.  Turns out Claudia works with Porsha at some radio show, so I am sure there will be some sort of “pick a side” future feud.  Kenya quickly changes the subject from the “Laila Ali wannabe” (Porsha) and then Kandi brings it up again and asks what’s going on with the lawsuit.  Kenya explains she is not suing, but it is in the hands of the state.

Cynthia Party

Apollo shows up as if her were on some sort of publicity tour protocol before “going away” for a very long time.  He is dressed in his best suit and he looks like he would smell of desperation and Drakaar Noir.  He says hello to Kenya as if nothing is wrong.  Kenya takes off with Claudia to the bathroom where they talk trash about Apollo, but ever the optimist, Claudia notes that Apollo is going to have some bangin’ abs when he gets out of the hoosegow.  They reapply their lipstick, blot, and make sure their social security cards are accounted for safely in their purses.

Kenya Bathroom

Back in the lounge, Apollo tells the rest of the gang that Phaedra is not being supportive and that their marriage is spiraling downhill.  Kenya returns to the group only to say goodbye and Apollo wants a private talk with her.  Of course, she is not interested in talking to this “sneaky MF”, but he follows her and Cynthia outside.  He starts to talk while Cynthia supervises and he tries to apologize to Kenya.  He must feel the sudden urge to repent and right all his wrongs, y’know cleanse his Karma before going off to be potentially butt-f*cked in the prison shower.  Kenya isn’t happy, she wants a specific apology, for him to say that he lied. He did not see her in L.A. and she did not proposition him.  He finally sorta admits he lied and then Cynthia goes back inside and delivers the news to the rest of the gang.  When Apollo comes back in to the party, Kandi confronts him, she wants to hear it right from the horse’s mouth.  Apollo admits that he lied about Kenya, with a smirk and a shrug, “I’m not perfect”.  Kandi, Todd, and Peter all take a collective exasperated breath, trying not to lose their shiz.  Now they realize they all owe Kenya an apology for believing Apollo and for looking down on her as if she were some kinda second-rate ho, whose only responsibility is to refill the tater tot bin at the tittie bar where she works third-shift.

Apollo-Lied

Apollo goes back outside to tell Kenya he is sorry AGAIN, but she wants specifics.  He finally admits that he never saw her in L.A. and he just made it up because he was angry about the booty DVD debacle.  Really, asshole?  Are you in 8th grade?  He is sure to get his bitch ass beat in prison.  Kenya feels somewhat vindicated, but she won’t feel fully vindicated until Phaedra apologizes to her.  Good luck wit’ dat!

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