Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show. Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.
Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”. After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance. Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered. Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”. WTMI.
Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code. Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates. OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary. I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered. Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.
Sidebar: Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her. But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.
Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show. The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.
“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”
Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”. The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness. The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job. Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.
Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre. Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:
- Boobdoir = Boudoir
- Skoowers = Skewers
- Lopter = Lobster
- Vigerator = Refrigerator
- Calmaradity = Camraderie
- Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
- You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
- Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
- Jigged myself = Jinxed myself
Penny For Your Thoughts
A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”. Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom. She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum? OHHHHH a penny!”
Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock. Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister. Whatever.” Wiser words have never been spoken.
Warning: Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day
When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities. We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly. Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily. And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?
In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money. As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided. Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture. Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches. They make prison look fun!
Let’s Talk About Bawwwby
Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”. Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer? I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him. Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either. Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality. Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives. Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.
Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere. Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show. Wake up and smell the indictment! Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!” Uh, that’s another show entirely. “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen. Uh menin, you know what I mean!” No Joe, we don’t. What is “menin”? Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant? Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore? I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.
Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan
OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard. In other words, shut the f*ck up! Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”. This guy has a sick sense of humor. Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother. Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight! Seriously, now that would have been epic.
The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom. Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”. Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.
Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim. Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”. Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.
Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera. Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.
What Have We Learned, if Anything?
Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix. Nicole learned to keep it real. Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter. Melissa is learning to see the big picture. Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did. Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person. Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.
OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers. Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment. After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior. OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE! As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”
Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina: “This show is so f*cked up!” Yes, yes it is!
It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?