The ATL is back and they are beyotchier than eva! After being dumbed down by the RHNJ, I was ready to quit writing this blog. Then, suddenly…the Bravo Gods swept me up from my wretched despair and into the arms of these juicy li’l peaches of dysfunction. Let’s get it started up in here:
The ladies all have new taglines, but I am a bit disappointed that the opening hasn’t been fluffed and freshened by either Lawrence or Derek J:
- Nene – “Why be so nasty and so rude when I can be so fierce and so successful?” – um let us know when that is going to take effect.
- Kandi – “I’m not about the drama! Don’t start none, won’t be none.” – this means YOU Mama Joyce!
- Cynthia – “Life is about choices, and I choose Cynthia!” – unless of course Team Nene wants me back on the roster.
- Phaedra – “When it comes to my family, I’m the judge and the jury.” – and the undertaker.
- Kenya – “People get exhausted trying to figure me out, and I just let them.” – You’re about as perplexing as Pyraminx, Rubik’s cube’s ugly sister.
- Claudia – New housewife alert, she is not shown yet, but her line will be… “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m here to stay.” – We’ll see former Celebrity Apprentice antagonist.
Most of the premiere episode is about laying groundwork for fresh drama and catching up with the ladies since they were last seen sprawled out on the floor of the reunion stage. Nene has top billing and she has snagged a role as emcee in the Vegas show, “Zumanity”. She plops down in the makeup artist’s chair as she chomps through her lunch with her Petco teeth. The makeup dude is blowing smoke straight up her ass, “we’ve never had a celebrity on the show!” Well sharpen your eyeliner crayon my good lad, you still don’t have a celebrity on the show. The only dose of reality we see from Nene is her admitting she looks like a drag queen.
Later, Nene claims to be a little uncomfortable during the final “Zumanity” orgy scene where she has to stand in the middle of 50 naked, writhing, actors. She and hubby Gregg engage in a scintillating discussion on what exactly constitutes an orgy. Gregg thinks it’s a threesome and Nene disagrees, three people does not an orgy make. They settle on a minimum requirement of four people. Oh the Zumanity! At the end of the day, Nene doesn’t give a rat’s ass. She’s out of Haterville, GA and she’s ridin’ on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
Kandi and Todd tied the knot, as we know, and we are treated to some good ol’ fashioned naggin’. Kandi is setting up a bedroom for Todd’s daughter Kaela, who is moving to the ATL for her 15 minutes of fame. They are not on the same parenting page, heck they are not even reading the same book. Kandi is all like “they should have Range Rovers and 60” plasma TV’s” and Todd is all like “used Hondas and basic cable”. Later, we learn that Kandi and Todd are also not on the same page about the Apollo/Phaedra debacle. Kandi is loyal to Phaedra and darts out of the room when Apollo stops by the Kandi Factory to discuss his sentencing to whomever will listen.
Speaking of the Nida/Parks marriage, Phaedra is holed up in an Augusta, GA penthouse suite at a hotel with her two sons, her mother, and her braided bun of fury. Apollo is heading to court for his sentencing and she felt the need to flee the house due to the swarms of paparazzi. We are shown a shot of Phaedra’s house and there are no paparazzi, just a few crickets chirping, hoping to catch a gnat for a snack.
Apollo is going down for wire fraud, bank fraud, and mail fraud. He was running shell companies and a co-conspirator ratted him out. Apollo cannot believe that Phaedra is failing to “stand by her man” and he is failing to see that he betrayed and risked his fambly. Ooops, family. Damn you RHNJ!
Apollo’s brother from the same mother, different father, shows up and he is the only supporter, mainly because he will get to be on TV. Sidebar: Apollo’s beard is baffling, fascinating, perplexing, so many things all at the same time. It’s thin, it’s thick, it looks like it’s been colored in with that black shit Joe Gorga sprays on his head. Apollo’s beard is the sixth housewife! Sad Apollo can’t believe that his family isn’t there to support him and he breaks down in tears. He only has a case of the sads because he got caught. The only winner here is Ayden, whose cuteness is unsurpassed.
Cynthia and Kenya have become BFF’s because apparently Cynthia was the only housewife who showed concern for Kenya after she was traumatized by Porsha at the prop-filled, ill-fated reunion. Kenya was so distressed that she fled the country and twirled ‘round the world. Cynthia informs Kenya that she has officially resigned from “Team Nene” and has noticed a dramatic improvement in her life. She tells Kenya a joke “What did the man say when he pooped himself in an elevator? I’m gonna take this shit to another level”. Now there’s a tag line!
Meanwhile, across town, Porsha is doing a photo shoot while sporting a hideous mono-kini from the Teresa Giudice collection. Kandi drops in to admire her two new teets twins. They too, talk about the reunion traumatization, and Porsha feels “we have to take credit for our actions.” She takes credit all right, and has no plans to apologize to Kenya.
The Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is still in bidness and Cynthia is training only the freshest faces to become stars. Fortunately, Cynthia kept her old Bailey Agency space since Industry studios and Bar One have gone down the foreclosure vortex of hell. Peter shows up with a picnic lunch for his lovely bride so he can ask her for money to open another yet to be failed Bar One location in Charlotte, GA. Same dumb idea, different city. Newsflash Peter, wherever you go, there you are. What’s the common denominator here? Peter’s failed bidness model and Cynthia’s empty bank account.
Apollo gets handed eight years in federal prison and runs out for a burger and a beer with his brother and mother. Apollo’s mother looks like an intern from the “Hillbilly Hand Fishin’” set. Apollo equates his legal woes to his mother’s drug addicted life. She was chasin’ crack and he was chasin’ fast money.
In the final act, Phaedra returns to her house and Apollo unleashes his “at the end of the day” nonsense. I’m pretty confident he has that phrase tattooed somewhere on his body. Phaedra lets him have the floor and then she opens her own can o’ whoop ass. One thing is as clear as a strippers heels, Ms. Parks will not go out like Teresa “I didn’t know what I was signing what do you mean there is jail time in my plea deal” Guidice. Phaedra calmly explains that Apollo has been selfish and put his family at risk. Apollo, still trying to justify his actions, claims he was driven to the crimes because Phaedra wouldn’t let him have an allowance and he sees now that he was basically a sperm donor. Really Apollo, take “credit” for your actions! Phaedra packs her backpack with her suffering, public shame, tarnished name, and walks away while giving the international sign for “Deuces! Gotta bounce!” Apollo shouts that he will file for divorce, but leave it to our calm, cool, ever-collected, counselor to call his bluff, “Bon Voyage!”