Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?! Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again. I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world. With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here. Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one. Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason. Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her. She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE! Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.” So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite? Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.” Keep it klassy Jimbo!
Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!” Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show. Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up. Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!
Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle. They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO! Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.
The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened. Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away. Why didn’t she go sooner? Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun. Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun. Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen. Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!” Dayum! Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived. Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”
Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome. Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet. The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite. Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre. Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?
The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”. Really. Appetizing. Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know. We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft. Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple. Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.” And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion. I hear orange is the new leopard!
We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck. Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on. Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own. She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means. What a novel concept! Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall. Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!
Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos. The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe. Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is. Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water. They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.” It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.
Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up. Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well. Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down. She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”. Yes, too much vodka food. Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh. Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious. Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor. Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.” Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…
Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish. Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]