Badmouthing in Boca

The hags are headed out to Boca Raton, Florida for some drama in the sun.  The ladies offer up a Bravo mandated toast to Tre, who cannot leave the great state of Jersey.  It’s no sweat off of anyone’s ballz that Amber Alert can’t come either, she can keep her drama at home.

Meanwhile, in snowy Jersey, Tre and G to the ia begin house hunting since they need to downsize.  The realtor keeps telling Tre that the house just can’t compare to her current home, which is not the way to sell, but must be for dramatic effect.  It’s pure tragedy that she has to downsize to an 8,800 square foot house.  We are treated to an early Tre flashback saying she gets “scheezed” looking at used houses, “that’s gross” she tells us.  Yes, it’s 8,800 square feet of pre-owned pure squalor!  She really has no choice in this matter…and oh look a urinal and bidet in the master bedroom!  The realtor suggests she market her current 12,000 square foot home for $4 million.  Hey, at least it’s bigger than Melissa and Joe’s re-done rental home of squalor and despair.  I think Tre better prepare herself for some “downsizing” to an 8 x 8 grey cell.

Realtor

Other happenings in Jersey, Kathy pops by to see Jacs in her own house of horrors and we catch up with her nightmare.  While Jacs inhales the desserts Kathy brought, she updates us on her son, Nicholas.  He has progressed quickly, but not as quickly as Jacs jams that cannoli in her pie hole.  The only other thing we learn her is that Jacs’ makeup artist must have been workin’ overtime with the contouring brush.  Jacs and Kathy discuss the Tre situation and Jacs is crushed that Tre did not respond to her gushing, heart-felt texts with the same enthusiasm.  Jacs got a “thank you, hugs-n-kisses” and that was about it.  Kathy seems a little annoyed and tries to translates that Tre’s flat response is telling, Tre wants to close the book on Jacs’ contoured nose.

Later, Kathy takes Jacs to the construction site of the home that Kathy and Richie are building.  Kathy explains that she and Richie want to live within their means, what a novel concept.  Jacs can’t leave well enough alone and she announces that she and Chris are selling their home too.  Good, move away, move far…far…away.

Back in Boca, the non-dynamic duo check out the house they are staying in, it’s very “Miami Vice” and they think the hot tub will give them Legionnaires disease.  The gang finally settles by the pool and enter Jeff, the pool boy.  He will dote on the women hand and foot, and what a co-wink-a-dink, he is single and so is Dina.  Nicole thinks he is perfect with the exception of his hairy nipples???  Wha????  Anyhoo, Melissa is getting her serious drink on, now that she is away from her four children and isn’t contractually obligated to consume that Fabellini swill.  The non-dynamic duo think Melissa is showing her fun side, but Dina thinks Melissa is just showing off her body.

Melissa-showoff

Maybe so, but more power to her and God’s speed to her plastic surgeon.  She looks great for having four children, one of which is a grown ass man.  Later, the ladies go shopping in order to cook a lovely meal and the non-dynamic duo cannot stop saying “long hots” in reference to hot peppers.  I’m waiting for one of the women to find a 20 lb. sack of Fingerling potatoes and beat these two senseless with it.

We get a brief snapshot of what is happening at the Gorga home, Joe is holding down the fort “babysitting”, as if this is his part-time gig to make extra walkin’ around money.  That pesky irritant called “parenting” is just too much for him to take on.  Joe is having a pillow fight with his kids when Melissa calls to check in.  They are jumping all over the couch, throwing a football in the house, and destroying art work on the wall.  After Joe gets off the phone, he has a talk with his daughter about boys, but she is a bit young for it, and so is he frankly.  Joe says he isn’t ready for that discussion and he will “break the internet” so his daughter doesn’t find out about Justin Bieber and shit.  Good lookin’ out, man.

I suppose we have to throw in the update on Amber Alert, her bloodwork is fine and the outlook is optimistic.  So once again, much dramatic buildup about nothing.

The non-dynamic duo suggest that they call Amber Alert to see how she is doing.  What another co-wink-a-dink, a call from Amber Alert pops up like herpes in a public school.  Dina answers and Amber informs her that her bloodwork is perfect and she and Jim are headed to Boca tomorrow!  Dina’s face goes blank, like she had just seen a ghost wearing last year’s Jimmy Choo wedges.  The impending arrival of Amber Alert threatens Dina’s “zen” in a big way.  Amber Alert may bust open that stocking full o’ goodies about Rino and Santa, which Dina is holding.

The ladies sit down to their meal and Melissa is already half in the bag.  Dina decides to play a fun game of “tell us a random fact about you, like who likes a golden shower”.  Oh okay, yea, because that’s great dinner conversation?  Melissa doesn’t understand it at all and starts yammering about peeing in the shower.  Dina quickly corrects her and explains what the “golden shower” is.  Nicole suggests that Melissa enjoys a “pearl necklace” and Melissa is about as confused as Paula Abdul after a box of wine.  Dina goes to get her phone to show them these things in action, translation = porn, although Dina claims to just watch it for the décor.  Well, who doesn’t?

The ladies move their party outside and contemplate how the dynamic will change when Amber Alert arrives.  Dina and Ter-ess-uh walk away to investigate an anorexic palm tree and Dina uses the opportunity to give Ter-ess-uh a vague heads up about some gossipy information she is holding.

Dina-Teressa

Ter-ess-uh cuts Dina off at the knees and tells her not to say anything, she doesn’t want to know.  Leave it to Nicole to squash any sense of reason, because once she gets wind of this, she demands to know.  The twins argue about knowing vs. not knowing, which is a perfect build up to next week when Jim and Amber Alert arrive.

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