A Bird in the Hand is Worth Santa in the Bush

A hush falls over the fresh, crisp white snow in front of the Goo-boo-chay mansion.  Teresa is stirring about, trying to carry-on her normal routine by getting the girls ready for school when tragedy strikes!  The automatic coffeemaker didn’t turn on!  Tre can only muster the brain power to throw in her clip on extensions and rush the girls off to school.  She is driving a large white Mercedes SUV that looks like she could live in it.  Jus’ sayin’ – #worstcasescenario.

Meanwhile over at Dina’s house, her assistant Luke and daughter Lexi come to find that their paraplegic pet, Gracie, has gained too much weight to fit in her wheelchair.  Luke suggests having the wheelchair widened, and what a fabulous first assignment for the new assistant.  Yes, much to Dina’s chagrin, Luke is leaving the nest.  He is moving to his homeland in Ireland because the Jersey “Match.com” pool can’t be any more shallow.  Although Luke offers to “consult” with Dina for a mere $100 per month so he can help her recall her passwords.  I can see Dina’s “Craig’s List” ad now:  “Wanted:  Personal Assistant:  Skills require ability to care for 19 disabled pets and two hairless feral cats who reek of bacon and feet.  Ability to apply roll on body glitter evenly.  Advanced plumbing skills including artificial hair weave clogs.  Willingness to listen to disturbing fambly secrets.  Must be willing to live in my closet and sell soul to devil while being extremely photogenic agree to be on national television.  Ability to maintain “zen” at all times a plus!”

Rino and Ter-esss-uh are having a discussion of the medical variety.  Rino has prostate issues, says the doc did a “finger lickin’ good” probing finger examination on him only to find that his “anal rectal region is enlarged”.  Wow…WTMI, my friend.  Rino will be having a colonoscopy soon and wants to make sure he lives long and strong so he can make up for lost time with Ter-esss-uh.  He decides there is no time like the present and he comes into the bedroom wearing a thong that Ter-esss-uh no doubt received as a gag re-done wedding gift.  “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!” he tells his lovely wife while flapping around in his Toucan thong.


Joe and Melissa visit their architect to see the views of their new home, which looks like a castle that could house a fambly of 20, it’s 9,000 square feet including a swim up bar, cave underneath the pool, a grotto, and six bedrooms.  Not sure if this is the Playboy Mans or a home to provide shelter to four, soon to be orphaned, girls.  Joe reveals that he can only handle this new and improved squalor for one year, then he want to build another, bigger house.  #napoleoncomplexanyone?

We check in with the ever-annoying Amber Alert who is heading to church with her fambly for Ash Wednesday, “the start of the lentil season”.  Ahem…is this the season where we give up the chick pea?  Her five year breast cancer check-up is looming, so she had better cram in a few fox-hole prayers.  Amber Alert will trow in a few prayers for Tre and her troubles.  After all, Tre is going through a very dark time, much like Amber Alert was five years ago.  Because again, cancer is so comparable to federal indictment fraud charges…tomato…to-mah-to!  Amber Alert walks out of church to call Tre “check my charges”, and do some finger probing of her own.  Tre is in the middle of a work out at the gym, but Amber Alert won’t let up with the questions, how long will this take exactly, how long will Amber Alert have to pray for her exactly, what exactly should she ask for in her prayers EXACTLY, and seventy other exactly lunatic questions.


Tre’s trainer, a sturdy looking German woman, prompts her to get the hell off the phone.  Tre tries to explain to Amber Alert that she can’t speak about any of this and Amber Alert attributes her annoying question to having diarrhea of the mouth.  Admitting it is the first step.  Tre says that Amber Alert’s constant questioning reminds her of a friend she used to have who asked too many questions.  We flash back to the moment when Jacs and Caroline ambushed Tre on Jacs’ back patio.  Fun times were had by all.


Ter-esss-uh shakes up the colonoscopy liquid in a shaker and serves it up in a nice martini glass for Rino.  Nicole, Santa, Dina, and Lexi arrive for dinner being cooked by Rino, who is about to have an atomic ass blast.  Totally appetizing!


The dinner convo turns to Tre and her issues, Dina says that Amber Alert was “poking her [Tre] for details.”  Dina is really peeved about said poking, and thinks it’s just a case of Amber Alert being nosy.  The rules for the Florida trip will be to keep the Tre case talk on the DL and the focus will be on whether or not Rino pounded Santa like a chicken cutlet.  The next day, Ter-esss-uh accompanies Rino to his colonoscopy, she claims she is his “calming force”.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  The procedure goes swimmingly and the doctor tells Ter-esss-uh that Rino has the “prettiest colon I’ve seen in a long time”, I think that’s taking it a bit far.


Amber Alert’s breast cancer check-up tests were inconclusive and she is a wreck over it and assuming the worst.  She could get her mind off of it by getting a makeup lesson… the chick looks like Crayola gang banged her face.  She is over the edge, cutting strawberries with a rather large knife, venting to her wormy husband, and decides she cannot go to Florida.

Dina drops by Tre’s house, wearing her “I come to gossip Fedora”.  Tre tells Dina she isn’t going to Florida because she wants to stay home with the girls.  Translation = she can’t leave the fine state of New Jersey.  Tre pours herself a Fabellini as she prepares to spill the tea to Dina regarding Rino and Santa.  Tre can’t even tell it like it is, she says Rino “went with” Santa.  Went where?  To get some finger lickin’ good Kentucky Fried Chicken?  Rino went with Santa to get a colonoscopy?  Where, where did they go?  Despite Tre’s vagueness, Dina is a sharp cookie and gets the inference, but isn’t buying it at all and chalks it up to Rino’s personality, of course he was joking.  Tre has a valid point, “who jokes like that” she says in her high pitched howler monkey squeal.  Dina is not feeling very comfortable holding this information, but Tre clarifies that she spilled it only in the event that Amber Alert tries to pull it out of her bag o’ tricks.  Tre wants someone in her corner who knows the straight story.  If the story is even straight!


Next week Jacs is back and things start smoldering in Florida.


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