Sh!t Shoveling

It’s four days before the plea deal for the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly of wayward felons.  Tre is cooking in the kitchen with her girls, Audriana is chopping onions and Milania decides to eat some raw onions and act like a damn fool, and G to the ia rolls her eyes in disgust at all three of them.  Across town, at the Gorga 15,000 square foot rental home of squalor, they catch their fambly on the television news, while Amber Alert is scouring her go-to news source, “Radar Online”.  Amber Alert preps for her Emmy winning performance and calls Tre, already busting out the histrionics before the call even goes through.  Watch out, Meryl Streep!  Tre is like “wha, what happened”, G to the ia can hear Amber Alert sobbing and she starts laughing.  Tre chalks it up to being pre-menstrual or because she has been through “the cancer”.  Amber Alert is a hot mess express and she really needs to consider waterproof mascara.  Amber Alert keeps pressing her, “Is it true?  Is it true?  I thought you were, like, in the clear!”  I don’t know what version of reality Amber Alert subscribes to, but Tre smartly cuts her off and can’t discuss it further at the advice of her legal counsel.  Jim finds Amber Alert in a puddle of tears all over the clean laundry she is folding, he explains the process of accepting a plea deal and it’s not looking good for the Goo-boo-chays.  Amber Alert equates this to her cancer scare AGAIN, because you know…it’s, like, so similar.  “At least it’s not a death sentence…” she says.  Yeah well, two years without access to body glitter and Frankenstein hair extensions might just be the demise of Tre Goo-boo-chay!

Amber-Hysterics

Melissa calls the “is it true or not true hotline” and Tre maintains it’s not true.  After Tre hangs up, G to the ia questions her mom further, but neither of them can keep it together.  You have to wonder what the hell was going through her mind when she participated in the fraudulent activities, unless she is truly that ignorant or thinks she is that invincible.

Melissa and Dina go for a work-out, which is odd because these two don’t seem to even like each other.  We find out that the weird, cut-rate gym with pulleys hanging from the ceiling is merely the stage to start talking about the Bravo mandated trip, not an actual workout.  They talk about heading to Florida, because hey, Tre broke the law, but we want to see her happy.  I am wondering how Tre could even leave the state with her pending charges.

Jim and Amber Alert are making dinner together and discuss the fact that they are pissed off that Bobby repeated what Jim told him in confidence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION about the Goo-Boo-Chays.  Jim can’t wait to spill the beans about his pal Bobby, who allegedly has names of women stored in his phone, just waiting in the wings, one in Florida.  Jim thinks he is so tough, serving Bobby a “cup o’ shut the f*ck up!”  Does he not understand he is ON CAMERA SAYING THIS SHIT!?!?!

Tre and Dina are shoveling snow and Tre is glad that Dina is the kind of superficial friend who doesn’t ask any questions.  All Dina cares about is shoveling snow off of her Buddha statue because it’s really f*cking up her zen.  Melissa shows up to be useless, as usual.  The three stooges walk around to the back of the house for some reason, get stuck in the snow, then they tell Tre that they want to take her away to Florida.  Tre is all in, because after all she may not see the sun for two years.

Snow

The non-dynamic duo are trying to dig out of their own mess and Bobby drives up to shovel out some shit of his own.  Apparently Amber Alert keeps calling and texting him.  Nicole reads the texts aloud, but Ter-ess-uh asks her to apply her theatrical knowledge and use a man’s voice while reading Bobby’s texts and a girl voice for Amber Alert’s texts.  Oy vey…I can’t take these two idiots and their Dunkin’ Donuts obsession.

Dina is hosting a gathering of the ladies to discuss her “Project Ladybug” event that will be dedicated to kids fighting cancer.  Amber Alert shows up in her “I heard some gossip Burbury Newsboy hat”, ready to stir up trouble, more on that later…

The ladies all want to help Dina, heck Tre has a good friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and “April 1st she’s gettin’ a vasectomy”.  I’ll give you a moment to wrap your brain around that and shake your head in haughty disdain.  While they all discuss the theme for the party, they come up with “Old Hollywood”, because of course kids are totally into that.  Dina changes the subject and throws out the invitation to Florida, the non-dynamic duo is down to travel, but Amber Alert can’t process going away.  She has all that laundry full of mascara stains to wash.

It is then that Amber Alert decides to pull Tre aside to discuss the rumor that they heard from Victoria Gotti about Rino and Mama Santa having inappropriate relations.  Amber Alert swears she won’t mention it, right as she mentions it within ear shot of Ter-ess-uh.  Tre finally tells her that she has her own shit going on and really doesn’t give a rats ass.  When did Tre Goo-boo-chay become a calm, level-headed player in this debacle?  While the other ladies sit and wonder what they are gossiping about, Nicole takes the opportunity to spill the tea on Amber Alerts crazy texts to Bobby.  When Amber Alert and Tre return to the group, the tension is thick, but neither side will offer up the dirt they were each dishing.

Gossipin

It’s the day of the plea deal and Juicy is tending to his chickens while Tre is laying on the bedroom floor reading prayers out of a book.  We see footage of Tre and Juicy hurrying into the courtroom, bottom line they both plead guilty to multiple fraud charges and are both looking at jail time.  Juicy has the added bonus of facing being deported back to Italy.  Bravo’s sister station “E!” gave the full report.  Because no one delivers hard-hitting reality television star news like Giuliana Rancic.

Tre-praying

We see small snippets of the other cast mates weighing in, Ter-ess-uh is more concerned about what Tre was wearing, Rino confuses a gavel with a mullet and the other cast mates plead ignorance.  They don’t know much about it, how all that crazy laws stuff works.  I think they are all still in shock that Tre admitted to doing something wrong.  Tre’s attorney reads a statement from Tre – she takes responsibility for a series of mistakes, etc., she’s heartbroken, her attorney is pushing for probation rather than prison.  My only sincere hope is that she does get probation.  If she goes to prison, who will teach her girls super advanced pole spins like the armpit hold and the Brass Monkey?  Ugh, there aren’t enough jewel-toned sequins in the world to fix this.  Latest update is that their sentencing was postponed to 10/2/14.  Tre’s Jimmy Choo’s could be sinking into the dry dirt in the yard for up to 27 months and Juice man could be wearing his soap on a rope for 46 months.

Tre-Court

Previews show what’s coming in the season ahead, viewership must be flagging.  Jacs is coming back on the scene and it looks like drama ahead when Jim blurts out that he saw Rino f*cking Santa Claus.

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