HO, HO, HO…AW HELL NO!

Melissa welcomes Amber Alert at her door, who comes bearing comfort food.  It seems Melissa’s favorite aunt passed away due to cancer.  Amber Alert is able to put her differences aside, because hey, she gets the whole cancer thingie.  Too bad she doesn’t get the whole stop setting your makeup gun to “third shift ho stroll” thingie.

Meanwhile, across town…Nicole and her mother, Santa, discuss the impending Valentine’s Day fake holiday of doom.  Nicole is all atwitter about her one year anniversary of dating Bobby, but let good ol’ Santa put the kibosh on her delusions, “He’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated before, he can really space out his need to be around you, and that’s very unusual.”  Basically, he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy than spend time with you.  Nicole rationalizes the behavior, Bobby just moves a little slow.  And is a “confirmed bachelor”, and is emotionally unavailable, and is a meat head, shall I go on?

Melissa threw on her “I come in peace fedora” and goes to visit her new bestie, sister in law, Tre.  They decide to hang out at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors since it’s so quiet because Juicy has taken their terrifying children out for the night.  They sip some Fabellini, light the fire, and curl up on the couch, albeit awkwardly, and decide to watch the Godfather movie.  After all Tre needs to research prison-n-stuff.

In a shameless Bravo cross-promotion, Dina goes to see Vikki Ziegler (of Bravo’s latest flop show “Untying the Knot”).  Dina’s underlying fears are revealed, am I doing the right thing?  Will I ever find love again?  What will become of me now that my shoe money must become mortgage money?  Am I wearing too much body glitter?  None of these “what ifs” matter because Dina has the perfect excuse to wait on the divorce proceedings, Lexi needs to finish school first…

The Non-Dynamic Duo gets together in front of their fire place and they decide to dress Nicole up in a slutty red frock and send Bobby some sexy selfies.  Ter-ess-uh likes Bobby, but she is worried because he was single for “ten, eleven, twelve years.”  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)  The one-year “where are we headed” pressure looms, but Nicole wants it to happen naturally and slowly like a sleepy sea turtle that was harpooned 11 times with tranquilizer darts.  Ter-ess-uh alludes to why she and Rino divorced and then remarried, she plays it off as some sort of Rino needing to sow his wild oats and bang every stripper in town…Hey Melissa….

Tre and Juicy have a meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) to go over their calendars.  Juicy tells her “You got to get out there and you got to hustle, I mean, look, you’re the brand. I guess I’m the brawn.”  Tre is stunned that he knows what “brawn” is.  “The brawn is the muscle behind the brand. See, I know some words.”  Yay, Juicy!  Next week we’ll work on shapes and colors!  The bottom line is, Mama Goo-boo-chay has got to pay da’ bills the good ol’ fashioned way.  Leave it to Milania to bust in on the big brain trust and start applying ledger buff white out on everything.  That’s right kid, start that “Cookin’ da’ Books” training early!

Dina is low and depressed on Valentine’s Day that she decides to have a little “Face Time” with her assistant, the gay son she has always wanted.  It’s a full-blown pity party for one, she is scarfing down a box of Walgreen’s cheap chocolates that some boy gave to Lexi, while Grandma Wrinkles, smelling of bacon and feet, cuddles by her side.  Tommy proposed to Dina on Valentine’s Day, so this holiday is particularly rough for our Namaste beyotch.  Dina tests out her “Dream Spa”, which she ordered out of the fall 2013 “Contraptions” catalog.  She shoves her weary head into it and red and orange lasers burn out her retinas.

Dina-Spa

Melissa and Joe go out to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Joe has purchased more buildings and Melissa is worried that Joe is missing out on spending time with the kids.  So much so that Joe actually drove Joey to the wrong school.  No clue where his kid goes to school!  Melissa surprises joe with a book of sexy photos, which causes a fiesta in Joe’s pants.  Later Joe reciprocates the gift by surprising his fambly with a puppy, which quickly takes their minds off of losing their aunt.

The Non-Dynamic Duo, Rino, Bobby, Santa, and Sal are all out for dinner and reminisce about their favorite sweet moments from when they first met.  Nicole blurts out that Santa is worried about Bobby being a “confirmed bachelor”.  Bobby wants to make sure they take their time, but senses the pressure to show some sort of commitment to Nicole.  He tells a story about giving Nicole a stuffed frog to symbolize the end of her frog kissing days because she has finally found her prince.  Awww…GAG.

Tre shows up at “The Wine Guy”, wearing her Muppet cloak of death, to sign bottles of Fabellini and take photos.  The fans line up and start asking her personal questions.  Amber Alert shows up in her Kangol hat of peace to fish for gossip help Tre with the appearance.  Victoria Gotti shows up and cuts in line to get directly to her former Celebrity Apprentice pal.  Victoria invites them over for a drink and a side of slander.  Amber Alert is a bit troubled, but she whips on her bullet proof vest, activates her GPS tracking device embedded in her skull, and agrees to go.

Tre, Amber Alert, and Victoria Gotti sit down to talk the straight dope.  Victoria is an ol’ school G and knows Rino and his dirty laundry from way back.

Gotti

Victoria had some sort of heart attack thingie from smoking too many unfiltered cigarettes, and Rino showed up in the ICU with a diamond Rolex watch.  Victoria would not accept the gift and fired all of her henchmen for allowing Rino past the door, but she decided to keep Rino around as a friend.  Rino later told Victoria and an alleged group of people at a dinner table about his divorce.  He cheated, but that wasn’t the faux pas, it was who he cheated with that sent the crowd reeling… Amber Alert and Tre are grasping hands on the edge of their Samsonite folding chairs, expecting to hear that it was Ter-ess-uh’s twin sister, Nicole.  Totes understandable, a classic case of “twin fetish”, but no it turns out it was OH HO HO HO, AWWW HELL NAW – SANTA!  Yes, honest to crap, he slept with his mother in law.  Amber Alert and Tre need a few moments to re-hinge their jaws and so do I.  Santagate is the last thing I expected and I can’t wait for the fall-out from this little controversial convo.

Amber-Gossip

Next week, the courtroom drama heats up for the Goo-boo-chays, but who the hell cares, Rino slept with SANTA!

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