Fambly Bidness

Well this week it’s all about bidness … running it and gettin’ all up in everyone else’s.  We start with Melissa and Joe who are back at their Bentley dealer.  They want to paint the document churning truck of death something wayyyyy more cute.  Melissa is all about making it more “L.A. Chic”, even though she doesn’t know what that means.  Clearly, the weave glue has eaten her brain because her big idea is to put wings on the truck and use the slogan “going green gives you wings!”  The man at the Bentley dealer laughs in her face, she has no room to talk about “going green”… “You drive a 12 cylinder Bentley, you get 8 miles to the gallon!”


To further demonstrate Melissa’s stupidity, Joe later takes her to meet a scientist so he can explain to her how the environmentally friendly document destruction bidness works.  Melissa is all a twitter and the scientist reminds her of the movie “Back to the Future.”  The scientist utters something about think McFly, think, plasma, vapor, gas, all the Goo-boo-chay documents destroyed, and BLAM… enough power to turn on the light bulb over Melissa’s head!  Melisa thinkie she might understandie, but the scientist confers “she has the physical capability” to be a sales person for this technology.  Meaning she is cute and can maybe sell it to some sleaze bag at a Bentley dealership.

Meanwhile, across town, Amber alert distracts herself from her woes by making mortgage themed sprinkle sugar cookies.  Based on the look of the hot mess on her cookie sheet, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  They have invited a bunch of friends and family over to watch a premiere of the low-budget commercial.  I think this has to be an even cheesier themed party than the first responders debacle.

The Non-Dynamic duo invited the other cast of characters, sans Amber Alert, to one of Rino’s restaurants.  Melissa dishes on her Amber alert lunch of death and Nicole is like a dog with a bone on this thing.  She wants her apology, and come hell or high heels, she is going to get it.  The real highlight of this get together is meeting Rosie’s new lady friend, Ellen.  Nicole and Bobby are all excited to have the same anniversary month as Rosie and Ellen, but Rino tells them they are “fugazi”, meaning “fake”.  It was glossed over, but I am sure Nicole is a seething cauldron of rage ready to bust.  Rosie makes a toast to her new lady friend and says lovely things about her.  Nicole admits she doesn’t have this with Bobby and it’s only a matter of time before that relationship is defunct.

Much to our dismay, we are learning a lot about Nicole this episode, we find out she is a “jet booker”, meaning she books jets for CEO’s who fly private.  She is flitting around her office as if she were important and then decides to call Amber Alert to invite her to a Bravo mandated “let’s clear the air” lunch.  Amber Alert is very hesitant and goes on Red Alert right away over the phone.  Nicole is steadfast in her determination, she must confront Amber Alert because holding bitterness “is like leprosy to your soul.”  During this whole exchange over speaker phone, Nicole’s co-workers are laughing at her.

Conversely, we learn about Ter-ess-uh and her lofty endeavors, to navigate the muddy lot of her future restaurant without ruining her $1,800 Jimmy Choo boots.  Ugh, does Jimmy Choo make restraints?  Rino is building the restaurant from the ground up and it will keep their son and Ter-ess-uh out of Rino’s way busy.  For some reason, I think Rino is hiding something that may come out later, such as a mistress?!?!?

At the Goo-boo-chay wayward home for adult felons, it’s time for G to the ia to have an awkward conversation with her parents.  Tre is all excited that G to the ia is now 13 years old and she wants the deets on her life, but G to the ia wants her mom out of her space.  Later, Juicy joins the fun and they present G to the ia with a gift, which is a ring that Tre says was handed down from her own mother.  G to the ia is a bit apprehensive about the gift, but little does she know, Milania has already had the ring appraised and hooked a buyer for a “buy it now” price on e-bay.  Juicy and G to the ia have some alone time and he explains to her that she is a role model to her younger sisters.  He wants to make sure she stays on the pole track.  Juicy asks her if she has ever kissed a boy, as if being on national television with your jail bait parents isn’t enough embarrassment.


Later, Tre stops by her BFFL Dina’s house so they can make delusion vision boards.  Tre claims she doesn’t care about materialistic things, she just wants health.  After all, her lust for material goods may be her downfall very soon.  Dina suggests that Tre find words that describe how she wants to see the outcome of the case.  Tre thinks her head is a vision board so she don’t need no stinkin’ corkboard.  Tre tells Dina she has been looking at houses and she is ready to downsize.  Yes, downsize to an 8’ x 8’ cell.  The end result of the vision board from hell is that Tre wants “love”, “freedom”, to “survive”, and a “leopard print shiv”.

Tre-vision board

Finally, Nicole and Amber Alert meet for coffee and to hash out their issues.  Amber Alert has smartly worn her extensions in a bun so they can’t be ripped out.


Nicole’s first question is why Amber Alert was slandering her name when they were supposedly friends.  Amber Alert serves up a heaping helping of bitchy biscotti and says she is glad that Nicole finally got a hold of herself and can have a conversation instead of a total freak out while wearing a slutty fire fighter costume.  Amber Alert tells her that she did hear that Nicole had an affair, but Nicole insists it is not true.  Amber Alert is more concerned about how Melissa spilled the beans and why.  Amber Alert admits she feels bad, she should not have said it, but it was not in a malicious manner.  Nicole mentions the other things Amber Alert said and they discuss Bobby.  Amber Alert alludes to something she has “known about Bobby for many months”.  Apparently Bobby doesn’t give three wet farts about Nicole and he is a gigolo.  Well hell, I think that’s a perfect match, a homewrecker and a gigolo.  Nicole insists that relationships take time, but they are now officially in love and things have been so great between them.  Umm…Nicloe, did you see that Christmas gift he gave you?  You two are drinkin’ buddies, at best.  When all is said and done, Amber Alert offers up an apology and they hug it out.


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