Tainted Chicken

The fight with the men continues as Joe defends Juicy, while Juicy sits in the kitchen pouring scotch down his gullet like a nitrous sucking demon clown.  Melissa hoists up her suspenders on her SQUAT Team body suit and runs outside after Joe out of sheer habit of protecting his spray on hair.  Teresa squeals like a baby piglet and runs out, Amber Alert is yelling at Joe, and Joe demands apology from Jim.  Jim is not one to brawl, he will just threaten to sue you with his non-existent legal prowess.

Joe-Jim Fight

After all the dust settles, the menacing Marchese’s reveal that they left their keys inside, so they walk back inside of the frat party gone wrong.  So much for a dramatic exit.  Nicole is back downstairs, yammering on to anyone who will listen to her “homewrecker” tale of woe.  Nicole cannot believe this fight took place in front of the upper echelon of society who she must face at the post office or, wait for it… the Dunkin’ Donuts!

Jim gets cornered in the living room by the three musketeers and he tries to explain to Tre that he didn’t want to put her fambly in “danger”, by being out drinking with the guys.  Tre, Dina, and Melissa don’t compute, to which Jim says “Is there anyone here with an I.Q. above 12?!?!”  Well, NO!  Of course all the women are offended and Dina notes the “magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina”.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Three musketeers

Nicole confronts Bobby about the low blow from Amber Alert, “That’s why Bobby won’t marry you!”  Bobby carries Nicole away like a cave man and she tells him if he ever speaks to Amber Alert again, they are done and she flings her hands in his face.  Bobby doesn’t take well to this and tells her to pump her brakes.  There is a definite chink in their armor, but nothing that a few tears, the gun range, and some body glitter won’t fix.

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors, Juicy brings the girls out back to show them the chicken coop he has purchased for the fambly, complete with a rooster that will wake them all at 5:00 a.m.  All of the girls, except Milania, are completely grossed out.  Tre is excited about having natural eggs “no steroidis”.  Later, we find out that their dog got loose and mistook the chicken coop for a local “Popeye’s” and ate two chickens, which has traumatized G to the ia.  Juicy, Rosie, and Milania take a ride out to a chicken farm to replace the murdered chickens.  Milania helps farmer load up the new poultry pals, while Rosie has a heart to cold black heart moment with the Juice man.  She is there for him if he ever wants to go have a drink to get his mind off of things, or if it’s Tuesday, or if he is having a bad hair day, or if it’s windy.

Dina is at “Serendipity” in Manhattan and she orders hot water with lemon as she waits for her date, Matt.  After 30 minutes and realizing she may be stood up, she grabs the waiter by his collar and demands a large frozen hot chocolate and French fries.  As she is dipping the fries in the hot chocolate, Matt does show up and claims he got a flat tire.  He must be the only first responder without a cell phone.  I think he was late because he spent too long rolling around in a Dorito pit to achieve his orangey glow.  Matt orders a coffee and they start talking about Dina’s divorce and she reveals she still lives with Tommy.  Matt is unfazed and invites Dina to hot yoga and offers to cook for her.  Dina is not impressed and she hops in a cab as Matt hands the driver some ride money.

Amber Alert and wormy Jim are folding laundry and rehashing the first responders melee.  Bobby stops by to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again”, but it quickly goes south.  Amber Alert offers him a “hotty toddy” (dumbass!) and proceeds to rip into Bobby about how disappointed she is in him.  Bobby flips the script on her and tells her she was out of line by repeating the gossip about his #1 girl and Jim blasts back with some details that Bobby likely wanted to keep private, such as how Bobby complains incessantly about Nicole and how Nicole looks like a mob of rabid outlaws from the Crayola factory gang banged her face.

The Non-Dynamic Duo drops by the Gorga residence of squalor and small closets.  Ter-ess-uh and Antonia demonstrate their gymnastics moves in the kitchen, because the house is so small and all.  (The kitchen is big enough for them to do cartwheels.)  The adults try to re-hash the Amber Alert drama, but Joe chimes in and chalks the Marchese’s behavior up to insecurity and small penises.

Amber Alert has invited Tre and Dina to a spa to make nicey nice and rub bird shit on their faces.  Amber Alert starts to rally the troops by apologizing for her husband’s behavior, but Tre and Dina can only focus on the peanut butter like smelling facial they are receiving.  We find out later that it is “nightingale droppings” and Tre instantly regrets licking her cheeks.  Amber Alert is going for Oscar gold, choking back tears regarding the fall out with Melissa.  Dina points out Melissa is passive aggressive, and Tre jumps right back on board the Melissa bashing express.

Teresa Hair Net

Amber Alert and Melissa are meeting a restaurant that is not empty to have the patented table conversation of death.  Melissa asks her how her head is feeling as a result of the hair pulling, but Amber Alert loses more hair in the shower and equates the Non-Dynamic Duo to “swatting away little gnats.”  Melissa points out that Amber Alert brought the aggression, but Amber Alert, who is dressed like Martha Washington, blames Melissa for repeating the rumor, calling her a “liar, troublemaker, and impostor!”  Melissa tells her she doesn’t trust her and took offense to Jim calling Joe a “fuckin’ dumbass”.  Amber Alert gets into her old timey way back machine and spews back “you are a very tainted woman!”  Looks like Amber Alert is prepared to bring the drama this season, see you next week!

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