Hair Affair

I must be evolving as a species, because I feel completely bored with this season of RHNJ so far.  The first 45 minutes of this episode is mostly trivial interactions serving to build up to the “First Responder” shindig fallout that we have all been waiting for.

Melissa keeps crashing her Bentley, Joe Gorga claims they have money issues, which he admitted on “Watch What Happens Live” is a ploy for him to try and curb Melissa’s spending.  Good luck with ‘dat.  While they wait for the estimate to repair her bumper, Joe fills her in on the “guys nite out” and calls Jim “Pencil Dick” because he didn’t show up.  Ummm…Joe how would you know the accuracy of that statement, hmmmm?  Joe is ready to rock out with his cock out at the upcoming “First Responder” party and plans to confront Jim about the trash talkin’ he’s been doing.  The phony estimate to repair the Bentley is shown and it’s $7,062.00.  Hell, for that he should just buy her a Prius and be done with it.  Less room for shopping bags and she wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Across town, Dina is cleaning out her dream closet and I have to say, it’s pretty fabulous.  She and Tommy decided to forgo all the gold and marble in their dream home and invested wisely in a dream closet where Dina now laments her shoe habit and must pare down her collection from 400 pairs to at least 380.  Her assistant is going to have to pry that pair of teal cowboy boots out of her cold dead hands!  Dina realizes that her shoe dilemma is two-fold, she buys shoes to fill the void that she experienced while married to Tommy, but she can’t let go of the shoes because it’s one step closer to separating completely from Tommy.

Tre, Melissa, and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a costume shop to find their “First Responder” costumes.  Tre looks like she just returned from a rummage sale at the Neverland Ranch.

Costume Shop

Melissa wants to be a sailor, but Tre is not sure that a sailor is a “first respondsers”.  Hopefully, there will be a real fire fighter at the party because between the hairspray and these costumes made in China, these beyotches are going to be highly flammable.  Melissa asks Nicole for an update on what happened after the twins fled the boutique once the can o’ “homewrecker” beans were spilled.  Melissa fills Tre in on what Jim had said about their fambly, but Tre wants no part of this hot mess express.

Slutty Costumes

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of fun, Milania is showing the girls a trick she learned from mommy and she is looting for coins in the couch cushions.  She tells her sisters “stuff your money in your bra!”  Ah the innocence of youth, everyone knows you can’t stuff coins in a bra!  Tre is trying to give Milania a lesson in “using our indoor voice”, but Milania ain’t havin’ it.   Tre talks about how Milania inherited her temper and we are treated to a wonderful trip down memory lane and we see a montage of table flippin’, Andy Cohen rag doll throwin’, venom spewing moments.

Amber Alert and fambly are filming their next commercial and all we learn here is that Jim doesn’t love this job, but is only in it for the skrilla.  His passion is to be a writer and he’s already written three books.  Great, jack of all trades, master of none another aspiring author.

Nicole and Bobby are excited to be throwing their first party together, how appropriate the theme is “first responders”, ugh.  Nicole invited a man to force on Dina, even though Dina has told her she is not ready to date.  Nicole thinks love can blossom anywhere, hell she met Bobby at Dunkin’ Donuts, which makes me wonder what the hell went on at that DD based on Nicole’s love of a good donut.  But alas, Dina’s energy is all wonky, Mars is in retrograde with the seventh circle of hell.

Dina is having trouble selecting an outfit for the party and tells us she is not so good at “ho-ing it up”.  Speaking of hoes…the Gorgas and Goo-boo-chays share a limo en route to the party and Tre can’t figure out Melissa’s costume, “what is a SQUAT team?”  Well Tre, it’s a team that goes #2 competitively, they line up the commodes and squat.  First one to clog the plumbing, wins!  Oy…on to the next thing…the group starts strategizing on how they can collectively attack Jim.  Juicy mumbles something about not giving a shit who he is or what he does, he could work with farm animals for all he cares.  Oooohhh, good burn Juicy, burn…

At the Amber Alert zone, Jim wanted to dress up as himself and be a lawyer, but he settles for wormy cop so that Amber Alert can be a police woman in a pleather cat suit who sets her makeup gun to “third-shift ho”.

Back at the party, Nicole has positioned herself to receive an apology from Nicole, but my magic hate ball says “all signs point to snowball’s chance in HELL”.  Nicole’s friend, Matt, arrives and he is being prepped on meeting Dina.  She is not ready to date, I tell you!  How many times does she need to repeat this?  Dina shows up to the party in her “I don’t give a shit” scrubs, but she actually looks cute.  The script Something tells me that Matt will eat it up.  When Matt does ask Dina for a date, she rejects him and proceeds to review the details of her negative relationship history.  Way.  To.  Go.  Matt persists and Dina finally concedes as she is obligated to under her contract with Bravo.

Dina Scrubs

The party is in full swing down in the rumpus room.  Kathy and Rosie show up, Rosie is dressed in all black and calls herself a sniper.  Kathy is dressed as Steve Urkel for some reason, but she came bearing her cannoli so she is an immediate hit with the Non-Dynamic Duo.

Now the part we have all been waiting for, the storm is a-brewin’.  Amber and Jim arrive at the party and they are all smiles.  Ter-ess-uh gives Amber Alert the cold shoulder and leads her over to Nicole who is on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Melissa jumps in and asks how this negative stuff got started and Nicole immediately throws her under the bus for starting the drama by repeating Amber’s incendiary comments.

Fight3

Amber Alert summons Melissa and Nicole to get their asses upstairs and she snaps at Nicole.  Nicole takes offense, gets in her face and grabs a handful of Amber Alert weave.  And thank goodness, we haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hair pullin’ in a few seasons now!

Amber Alert

Amber gets away and then Ter-ess-uh grabs her hair, finally Rosie shoulders her way in and breaks it up.  As Amber Alert backs away from the drama, Ter-ess-uh throws cocktail in her face.  They continue to fight and there is more hair pulling and finally Matt and Jim break it up.  Amber Alert erupts like a river of ferocious magma, she flips what hair she has left, and yells “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hope you’re happy, Melissa!”

Amber Alert tells the camera that she never said that Nicole wrecked a home, but cut to the video tape…and yup, she said it.  As Amber Alert and Jim leave, they find Bobby in the kitchen and Jim lays the pile of Amber’s hair on the counter to dramatize what just went down in Bobby’s rumpus room.  Have we taught you nothing, Jim???  Amber Alert is going to need that tuft o’ weave for part 41 of the reunion show, EVIDENCE!

Amber in Kitchen

Rino comes upstairs and gets in Jim’s face, chiding him for not wanting to hang out with the men.  Now it’s out of the bag that Bobby told the guys why Jim didn’t want to come out for guys nite.  I think the Bravo intern needs to remind Amber Alert and Jim that they are on camera and their shit talking is being broadcast on national television.  Nothing is sacred after you signed that Bravo contract in blood.

Joes fighting

Ok so, Joe is also spewing at Jim and Jim leans in to tell Joe that he works for the prosecutor that is prosecuting Juicy.  But yet, it’s okay to be cast on the same show with Juicy…whatevs.  Jim is an idiot, he looks like the guy who poses on the package of irregular underwear.  Next week, the men take it outside and Jim may actually need a real first responder.

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