It’s Christmas time in Joysey and Bravo’s gift to us is the new taglines from the housewives this season:
• “You never know how strong you are until it’s the only choice you have.” -Teresa
• “I’ve learned to forgive and never regret.” – Melissa
• “You’re not seeing double, you’re seeing trouble!” – The Non-Dynamic Duo, Ter-ess-uh and Nicole
• “I’m a survivor, no one is bringing me down.” – Amber Alert
• “I’m back to bring the Zen. Namaste, bitches!” – Dina
Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we get to see a slice of each family preparing for the holidays. The Goo-boo-chay family is hauling out the décor in mass quantities, Tre says she is trying to “keep it normal”. The Gorgas are doing the same in their “small” rental home that is not fit for their 12 foot Christmas tree. They are forced to live in such squalor, Antonia hates the “small, disgusting house”. I can’t believe they have to live in that hovel that looks like about a 4,000 square foot brick house that the average American would dream of having.
The Non-Dynamic Duo are dressed in their Santa hats, ready to decorate. We learn that their mother is named “Santa”, which means “saint” in Italian. Ter-ess-uh’s son, Giovanni, discusses learning the restaurant business from his father, Rino. Ter-ess-uh is so proud, almost as proud as she is of her “Diva” wineglass she created with fabric paint and glitter. The father of the Non-Dynamic Duo, Sal starts imparting his wisdom about keeping tradition alive, something about the Hebrews and the Chinese, ehhh…he’s bored with this whole imparting wisdom thing and needs a cigarette. Santa is sitting in the chair, rubbing her eyebrows off.
At Amber Alert’s home, her children are making a hideous gingerbread house and she informs us that her children’s lives are “perfect and controlled”. We’re going to have to bump her up her to red alert. Later on, she conducts a fire drill with her family to make sure they are prepared for a Christmas disaster. She is trying to be prepared, but she is a real ball buster. She horrifies her children by telling them they have failed miserably, the dog is dead and mom and dad are fried to a crisp.
Dina is putting up some sort of sad Christmas tree made out of nuts, corn cobs, and stray twigs she collected out of her lawn. She has a few wishes on her Christmas list, a bundle of divorce therapy sessions and a handful o’ Percocet. Namaste, bitches. Dina’s sister Fran is there for a visit, she looks exactly like Caroline in a wig. They discuss Lexi’s future, getting accepted to college, and I am dozing off.
Another day, Dina is wearing her “let’s kibbitz over kale and gluten free toast” fedora, and she meets with Nicole to talk divorce and dating. Dina is on the brink of loneliness, divorcing her husband and sending her daughter away to college. They get to talking about Amber Alert, and Dina comments that she thinks Amber is “sweet”. Nicole hesitates to share her thoughts on Amber, just a second too long, which preps us for some impending drama between the two over-tanned hags.
The Gorgas decide to wander around in the vacant lot where their new McMansion is being built. Melissa plans to decorate the new home “L.A. Chic”, and admits she has no idea what that means. Melissa is denying that they moved because of Teresa (flashback to the reunion where she said they were moving to flee the Goo-boo-chay clan), but they are moving so Joe can be closer to work. Out of nowhere, Melissa has the brilliant idea to tell Joe to pee on the property. Tre and Dina happen to be in the area and pop in for a visit. Dina is trying to keep an open mind when it comes to Melissa, but you can tell Melissa already has a check mark next to her name on Dina’s blackboard. Joe and Tre have a heart to heart, brother and sister moment. Tre is optimistic, heck, even strangers at the Costco are praying for her. Joe doesn’t want to hug and get all emotional, so they fist bump it out.
Rino is teaching his son Giovanni about his restaurant in Little Italy. He shows him the basic basics, “these are the refrigerators, where we keep the food”. Think that was a given? What is more disconcerting is the comment about the cooking of the pasta and clams, “It’s like a woman, the flavor comes from underneath.” I think I will let that one stand on its own.
Melissa and Joe get together with the cousins for an early Christmas dinner and they exchange gag gifts. Joe gets a fruit cake from Rosie. Oh Rosie, how we’ve missed you!
Kathy gets some horny goat weed, Rosie gets a strange looking vibrator, and oddly enough, Tre gets a dictionary. Err?
It’s Christmas morning at the Goo-boo-chay home and the girls are showered with an EZ Bake oven from Santa and they all get knit caps that say “HOMIE” on them. Really? Then the girls hear some rustling in the other room, lo and behold it’s a puppy! Way to distract the little ones, jailbirds! Now we have to find an orphanage that takes pets. Too soon for that joke?
Nicole’s boyfriend, Bobby the loser chach-bag, stops by and gives her a wine bottle holder in the shape of a high heeled shoe. Her mom comments that she has “seen that at Colts Neck Pharmacy, that’s probably where he got it!” Nicole isn’t materialistic, but she finds Bobby’s gift a little telling. Yes, it’s “telling” you that he is an idiot who shops at the last minute for your Christmas gift at the local five and dime.
Joe and Melissa are playing outside with their kids and Joe gets his tongue stuck on a pole. Maybe he will stop talking. Uggh…Meanwhile, across town, Tre and Juicy have put the girls to bed with their new puppy. Milania is clutching the dog so tightly, I am afraid she might accidentally murder it in its sleep. Tre and Juicy have some adult Christmas alone time with some Fabellini by the fire. He gives her a card and gives the cameras his “whatever” speech… “y’know if for whatever reason things were to turn out for the worst, you know, whatever, I would have to go wherever, you know, on vacation, or let’s just say, to college, let’s say whatever…” Ugh…yes go to college, please, and take that dictionary with you! Tre notices he is choking back tears, but she is confident that this will not be their last Christmas together. No Tre, you will be bringing him unlimited supplies of soap on a rope for the next several Christmases!