Fall Festivus

We begin this season showing events from February 28, 2014. Joe has given up on the spray on hair and is going au naturel. He and Melissa are watching the latest news on Tre and Juicy, and they have let bygones be bygones. Once again, they are visiting that “good place”, for now. Melissa calls Tre to check in, but Tre is feverishly rowing her one woman canoe up the river of d’nial. She tells Melissa that none of the reports are true, they have not plead guilty to federal charges and the plea deal is still pending. G to the ia looks on disapprovingly, she tells her mom that she is old enough to “comprehend and understand what is going on”. Tre tries to give her the “mommy and daddy will handle it” speech, but she breaks down and G to the ia follows. Oddly, G to the ia smiles and starts crying just like Caroline Manzo does.

Caroline-Crying

We flash back to “three months earlier” when it was bidness as usual at the Goo-boo-chay house, Milania is sassing everyone within a five foot radius. Gabriella tries to help Milania with some homework and Milania asks if she can go read a book while Gab “does this”. I have to say, I like her delegating wherewithal! Juicy is up to his typical parenting, poking his head around the corner, “do your homework or you won’t eat for a week!” Dina Manzo is at the door, and proclaims, “The Bitch is back and you can kiss my ass.” Dina is apparently Teresa’s “ride or die” pal, but she will not address her relationship with Caroline. Insert eye roll here… Dina presents Tre with a guardian angel bracelet, but there ain’t no guardian angel powerful enough to save her Goo-boo-chay ass from the Feds. Tre confides in Dina that she is stressing about paying for attorney fees, how she will provide for G to the ia to attend college? Hell, that’s what poles, body glitter, and clear heels are for.

Dina claims she is “pretty zen until you f*ck with me.” Apparently so, because her hubby, Tommy, is cheating on her, but she refuses to file for divorce and Dina later confides in her therapist that they have a “friends with benefits” agreement. She fears of dying a lonely hairless cat lady (cats are hairless, not Dina), but Dina does find solace in her variety of disadvantaged pets.

Dina-Pets

Melissa and Tre get together for a play date and Tre is wearing her “We’re in a good place” fedora. The girls are doing some gymnastics routine and Milania demonstrates that has the twerking down to science, don’t worry about that college fund, Tre. While Antonia does a face plant on the gymnastic mat, Melissa informs Tre that her friend, Amber, has invited her to a fall harvest party. Why don’t Tre and Dina tag along and meet the ladies who will become their mortal enemies?

Tre-Fedora

Annnnd we meet Amber, a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho. She is extremely high-strung, bossy, control freak, who sets her makeup gun to “third shift ho”. Her husband Jim brings in a whole raw pig for the upcoming fall festival party and terrorizes the shit out of her and her daughter. Amber appears to be a two-face, she looks like two different people with and without her makeup team. She used to be one of Melissa’s party buddies, but Amber must point out that she went for her education, while Melissa wanted to marry for money, and did! Groundwork being laid for conflict. After Melissa married Joe, she “fell off the face of the earth” according to Amber. Amber alert…don’t we wish.

Giant Pig

Next we meet a new Teresa (pronounced Ter-ehh-suh) and Nicole, they are friends of Amber’s and, as if this weren’t hard enough, they are identical twins. They are both the same shade of Oompa Loompa orange, so they will be hard to tell apart. Ter-ehh-suh is married to Rino, who owns two restaurants and she thinks she is queen of Little Italy. She divorced Rino and then re-married him. Nicole is divorced and has a chach- bag boyfriend of nine months. Nicole makes her impression by saying that “A woman only needs two things: Dunkin’ Donuts and oral sex.” These two are going to be a handful. We will call them the Non-Dynamic Duo (NDD).

Oompa Loompa

At the fall festival from hell, Rino is wearing his best “Good Fellas” suit, he looks like he would smell of bourbon, determination, and seeing a man about a horse. He dominates the conversation by talking about how he was circumcised at 27. Amber is freakin’ about people spilling everywhere and says “what book of ettiqueacy are they reading?” Great, another one with her own language. Tre and Dina walk in and Tre already feels the thick cloak of judgment descending upon her. Dina talks about her cancer foundation, which segues into Amber informing us she is a breast cancer survivor and she is five years cancer free. Tre and Ter-ehh-suh bond over their love of the same restaurants and Dina and the other half of the NDD bond over being divorced, their love of glitter glue, and bump-its.

I am so bored right now, what happened to the magical formula of season three when the premiere featured that christening blow out? This season is off to a slow burn, and then this scripted moment happened:

Amber finally decides to heat up this Festivus flop and begin with her “airing of the grievances”. She corners Melissa to confront her about losing contact. When Melissa tries to flip the script on her, Amber throws down the cancer card. Melissa has no clue Amber had cancer, but Amber is floored because Melissa sent her a FB message about it, which she oddly tried to locate, but must have deleted it. I love it, missing evidence already! Amber retreats her firey eye lasers for the time being, and they both agree to move on. Melissa knows the formula, she runs to confide in her new buddies, Tre and Dina. So it’s going to be the battle of old vs. new.

To wind this up, the Goo-boo-chay clan is gathering to celebrate Juicy’s grandmother’s 80th birthday and to also have a family portrait taken. Tre and her girls are in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess bathroom, getting hair and makeup done. Milania is acting like a little diva, screaming at the hair and makeup team, which she has clearly learned from her mother. There are about 70 people in the house for the picture and Juicy gives a speech from the top of the stairs thanking everyone for their support during the rough times.

Juicy-Toast

G to the ia is breaking down again. She has a little moment with her dad and he tries to make jokes to lighten the mood. Tre, Juicy, and G to the ia have a chat with Juicy’s dad ,Frank, but we later find out he recently passed away in early 2014.

So the premiere was a bit serious, but planted some seeds of drama. Previews would have us believe there will be some house husband drama and the ladies fighting while dressed in village people/stripper costumes.

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