Reunited and it Feels Like Loose Weave

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  If this is what part one looks like, I can’t wait for parts two and three…on with the show, this is it!  Reunion shows are often a bit disjointed, and that’s putting it mildly.  It’s like watching five rabid meerkats fighting it out in a motorcycle death cage.  So let’s break it down to our top five moments:

  1. Props for the Props

We all know Kenya is full blown, full throttle, pedal to the metal cray cray, but throw in her props and she ascends to the Defcon 5 level of bat shit.  She waves around her bejeweled scepter from the Deranged Disney Collection, she knights OHAC with it as if she were a Queen, and then she prods it in Porsha’s direction, just enough to send the already mentally unstable infant of the family off the rails.  More on that later…

Scepter

  1. The Roundup of Ills and General Malaise

Phaedra claims Apollo is only being held on a “complaint” regarding fraud, not indictment.  She has no involvement and in response to representing him in court, “hell to the naw!”

Nene suffers from pulmonary embolism, so now she is on medication and has to wear ugly compression socks when she travels.  Apparently, the compression socks cause her to have permanent stank face, or maybe it’s her Martha Washington powdered wig?

StankFace

The ladies all twerked at some point during the season, Cynthia has the saddest twerk that needs work.  The only reason this is worth mentioning is that it is during this discussion that it becomes painfully evident that Nene and Cynthia are not on good terms.

  1. Tardy for the Party

Nene suffered her trials with everyone being “Tardy for the Party” and on CP time.  Kandi and her Chic-Fil-A pit stop is revisited, which leads to the talk about calling each other fatties.

Kenya discusses why certain ladies were not invited to Velvet’s memorial and everyone reached out to Keyna except for Nene.  Nene looks like she would rather be deloused in women’s prison than be at this reunion taping.

  1. So Nasty, So Rude

OHAC asks about the African Prince, or as Phaedra calls him, “Casper the Friendly Boyfriend”.  Porsha claims that Kenya offered to pay someone $15K to pose as her rent-a-man on the show.  Kenya waves the scepter at Porsha again, and Porsha snatches it and flings it across the room.  Kenya whips out a megaphone so she can talk over Porsha.  Porsha threatens to shove the scepter up Kenya’s fake diaper booty ass and Kenya challenges Porsha to spell scepter.  Porsha proves she doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about and banters back with “Your breaf smell like a sceptic tank, bey-otch!”

Allegedly, Nene met Kenya’s mysterious African prince, but not really.  Nene said she was walking out of a hotel at 10 p.m. at night and some man with a thick accent approached her and said something unintelligible to her.  Nene went on her merry way and Kenya called her to ask why she was so nasty and so rude to her boyfriend.  Nene repeats “So Nasty, So Rude”, three times.

  1. Calm Yer Teets

At the top of the hour, Porsha introduced her new boobs, she claims she ate her yams and got twins.  Oy, a collective OY!  She invited OHAC to “smell them, they’re new”.  Uhh…EW!

EW

Later, OHAC backs Kenya into a bit of a corner about Walter-gate.  Kenya claims Karma has done its job with the ladies who did not support her last season.  Phaedra felt she was supportive toward Kenya with her “rental boyfriend”, but Kenya scoffs, the subject of Walter is as “dead as the hair on his head.”  Porsha decides to pipe up, she is fed up with Kenya playing victim.  Kenya insults her intelligence again and whips out the megaphone.  Porsha goes low “your vagina is so rotten, no one will claim you!”  Kenya shouts through the megaphone, Porsha cheated on Kordell and “you’re a dumb ho!”  Porsha loses her shiz.

 

BullHorn

Porsha dives after the megaphone, and in the process, rips off Cynthia’s dress exposing her real teet.  Porsha and Kenya are on their feet and OHAC tries to pry them apart, but he is still a li’l gun-shy after being whipped around like a rag doll by Teresa Goo-boo-chay on RHNJ.

Get Fired

Quick as lighting, Porsha has a handful of Kenya’s weave and she drags Kenya up in this beyotch!  Production crew tackles Porsha to the ground and Kenya storms off, looking fairly unscathed, with Lawrence in tow.  I guess it is her real hair.  Nene and Phaedra try to calm Porsha down, she is hysterical, kicking her feet, crying that she can’t believe she embarrassed herself this way.  Nene covers Porsha’s mouth so she doesn’t say anything stupid and Nene calls out “someone get her some house shoes!”

Calm Teet

Production carries her off, because she is apparently so exhausted, winded, and bereft over her uncouth display of violence and the Bravo Intern hasn’t arrived with the house shoes yet.  Kandi runs back stage and Phaedra comments “she went Decatur on her real fast!”  Phaedra and Kandi disband to have their makeup touched up and talk about Kandi’s bachelorette party which will have weird strippers (Re-DICK-ulous), and ain’t nobody got time for this here craziness!

OHAC apologizes to Kenya in her dressing room, he feels terrible that it went there.  He goes across the way to see Porsha, she feels so much happened so fast and she was not ready for cameras in her face.  Then the blow horn and saying shit about Kordell sent her over the edge.  Porsha blacked out in a fit of rage and doesn’t remember much.  She is embarrassed, but felt pushed.  OHAC sends her home for the day and asks that Porsha apologize to Kenya at some point, which we know will never happen.

Next week, the reunion carries on, we get into the Mama Joyce drama and we find out why Cynthia and Nene are on the outs.

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