Annnnnd Scene!

Kandi is busily rehearsing at home appropriately sporting her “More Issues than Vogue” off the shoulder tee-shirt. Todd comes in and is loving her Flashdancy style, but informs her that ticket sales are a wee bit slow. Kandi doesn’t seem too worried, but she wants Mama Joyce to approve and see the project succeed rather than bust, as if it’s a metaphor for the relationship. Todd discussed the talk he had with Mama last week, but felt she was just phoning it in. Kandi is good, as long as Mama stays cool, but now they have to focus on wedding plans, a pre-nup, and their Bravo spin-off show.

Kenya’s aunt Lori is prepping for Velvet’s memorial service on what appears to be a muddy construction site full of puddles (Chateau by Shereé?) Kenya arrives, full of emotion and wearing a puffy skirt from the “Sex and the City Menstrual Collection”. Cynthia shows up with her dog in tow and Lori delivers a eulogy. We are treated to a video montage of Velvet, and she sure was a cute little shit. Cynthia is trying to hold on to her dog and he is squirming around in her arms like a toddler.

Kenya-skirt

Phaedra’s n’er do well hubby and her adorable son, Ayden, bring her a cake to congratulate her on completion of her mortician schooling. Ayden is too cute, when Phaedra says “thank you”, Ayden says “just doin’ my job!” Apollo thinks Phaedra had been “clogged down” with school and now she can get back to her old self. Phaedra can barely disguise her sheer disdain for him, he has no idea, “try having a vagina for one day”. This marriage has one foot in the grave. Pun. Intended. And. Totes. Necessary.

Porsha sits down with her sistager and Mom to celebrate the finalization of her divorce, which took eight months. Porsha describes it as uneventful, she only had to sign some papers because she didn’t want to take Kordell to court and she already had custody of her self-aggrandizing self-portrait. Her mom gives her a pep talk and they toast to “moving forward”, however mama is salivating over Porsha’s diamond ring. Porsha takes it off and drops it in her wine glass. As the three be-bop into the kitchen for some pepperoni pizza rolls, y’all know Mama is going back for the ring and heading to the nearest “Cash 4 Gold” shop.

Cynthia wants to surprise Peter because he is always surprising her… “You married a buffoon – Surprise!”, “I spent all your modelin’ money – Surprise!”, “I got an apartment across town – Surprise”, “Foreclosure on your modelin’ skewl for the wayward – Surprise!” Cynthia decides to go “Basic Instinct” and she plans to sit “Sharon Stone style” while smoking a cigar in order to greet Papa Smurf when he gets home. She debates about what to say, “surprise”, “hi big daddy”, “welcome home papa smurf”. She settles on “welcome home” since it’s the least disgusting option. Malorie is assisting her set up strawberries, tea lights, and feathers, and Cynthia asks her to rehearse. The role of Peter will be played by Malorie… she pretend walks in and says “what the f*ck is this?”, which actually isn’t too far off the mark. Cynthia shoos her out the door, assumes the position, makes sure her Spanx aren’t showing, and of course, Peter laughs at her being the total choad that he is.

Cynthis-BasicInstinct

Nene arrives home after some heavy traveling and she complains of a pain on her right side under her mammoth boob. Has her bubble finally burst? Gregg is a professional at fixing this, he thinks it’s trapped gas. If she doesn’t rip a juicy fart soon, he will rush her to the hospital.

Kandi and Todd are ready for opening night. Things are falling into place, Todd is busying around asking various crew how things work, and at least Porsha has shown up. Kandi points out to the hair and makeup team that she farts when she is nervous. No worries Kandi, the fart bubbles will get trapped in your pleather leggings. The Stage Manager, Lark, finds Porsha taking a nap on the casting couch and gives her another “come to Jesus” talk about her performance and work ethic. Porsha misconstrues it as an apology and tells us that “Some stars are born, but I was made for this.” Err? Porsha goes back to her nap. Because Porsha is tired. As tired as the inner thighs of an overworked hooker.

Carmon heads over to Kandi’s dressing room to inform her that Mama Joyce is in the hizzy so she is going to lay low for fear of Mama’s flying Wal-Mart wedgies. We get some snippets of the play and the audience. Phaedra and Cynthia critique and talk the whole time, Apollo is out cold as soon as the lights go up, and Mama Joyce is with her boyfriend BENNY?!?!? Benny is the man who Mama Joyce tried to bribe into taking Todd out and getting him hammered and rubbin’ up on chicks. That is Mama’s BOYFRIEND?!?! UGH!

At the end of the play, they get a standing ovation from everyone except Mama and Benny who look like they would rather endure a Mexican kidney heist than be at this musical. Backstage, Mama tells Kandi she did like the play and understands that they may need to agree to disagree. I think someone gave Mama a double dose of sedative or Phaedra hit her with the Phaedra Sparks Tazer Gun in the parking lot.

Kandi-Dancing

Kandi has a chance to talk with her dad, Titus. He reassures Kandi about her success and relationship with Todd, he essentially calls Mama Joyce “riff raff”, and advises Kandi to go with her heart.

We seal up this never ending Ziploc bag o’ crazy with a brief synopsis of where the ladies are now:

  • Phaedra plans to open her crematorium, but out of her many “jobssss” she will not be representing Apollo in his fraud case.
  • Porsha is dating an African tycoon, but not the same man as Keyna is allegedly dating.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still in limbo with Bar One, but Cynthia manages to slip a tablespoon of anti-freeze into Peter’s cocktails.
  • Kenya and her “prince” are planning on in vitro fertilization in June 2014, unless someone else beats him to the punch.
  • Nene was admitted to the hospital and her lungs had allegedly collapsed. It’s a rare condition called “Blowharditis”. Nene has since recovered and she Dancing away with the Stars.
  • A Mother’s Love sold out five Atlanta performances and Kandi and Todd are working on another production, which was an April wedding.

Next week, part one of the reunion and it looks like the highlight is Kenya waving her scepter at Porsha and a knock down drag out weave pulling incident ensues.

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