Life Imitates Art

Well whadda ya’ know, another housewife is in a recording studio hoping to become the next one-hit wonder.  Porsha is signing her little heart out while studio engineer, Hector and vocal coach, James listen and watch completely stone faced, looking like they would rather be eating their own earwax than listening to this shit storm of a song titled “Perfectly Worthless”!  James shuts her down like a tilt a whirl that has missing parts, he isn’t feeling any emotion in her voice.  Kandi arrives just in time for something to collapse in the sound booth, but it isn’t enough to render Porsha unconscious.  She takes five to chat with Kandi, but it ain’t all puppies-n-bacon.  Kandi is waving her finger at Porsha, she has been a no show at rehearsal.  Kandi tops off the shit sundae by reading Porsha a litany of hostile, albeit true, e-mails from the stage manager.  Porsha tries to strong ball Kandi, claiming her “team is not communicating”, and I can see the smoke come out of Kandi’s ears.  Porsha calls her sistager, Lauren, who attempts to back up her sissy-deedle, but the incompetence shows through like the visible panty lines on Kandi’s leggings.  They received the rehearsal schedule, but Lauren didn’t see the e-mail until after Don Juan called to bitch them out.  Yes, the key to making it to rehearsal is the actual “seeing” of the e-mail, anyone can just receive them!  Whoopsies…Porsha apologizes that her “team” dropped the ball and reaffirms her dedication to “A Mother’s Love.”


Nene meets her short manager, Steven Grossman, so she can emasculate him and discuss the millions of dollars Nene is leaving on the table.  Of course, she is starting a clothing line for HSN, hope it’s not another She by She-FAIL.  Nene apparently passed on a USA Network John Stamos’ show and a project with John Lovitz and Bill Bellamy.  Nene admits she didn’t read the scripts and will only take jobs that “elevate her”.  Nene seems to have an “elevated” sense of her foothold in the acting world.  Steven wants to see Nene on a show like “Scandal”, but Nene admits she has never seen it and is happy to rest on her “Coach Roz” status for now.  Way to stay complacent!

Cynthia and Peter meet up at the defunct Bar One to discuss possible foreclosure, which Cynthia read on a blog forwarded to her by her third cousin twice removed, who twatted about it on Facebook.  The property owners have not been paying the mortgage, but he’s been paying rent, so he thinks the bank will honor the lease.  The operative word is “thinks”, if Peter “thinks” anything, then me thinks you run for the hills dear Cynthia!  If they lose their location, this would mean curtains for the Bailey Agency Fashion Skewl for the Wayward.  Cynthia is more upset about the fact that Peter doesn’t tell her this shit, and Peter turns into Snappy McSnapperton, the defensive cranky sea turtle.  If anyone AXES her about their issues, Peter advises her to say “Mind yo’ bidness!”  I still don’t know how she manages to NOT to poison him slowly with anti-freeze.

Aunt Lori rushes to see a hysterical Kenya, who is disabled and crying in bed.  I had a feeling this was about Velvet, and sure enough it turns out Velvet was attacked by a neighboring dog.  Kenya rushed her to the vet, but Velvet died in her arms.  Aunt Lori offers her some comfort and suggests that they have a memorial service for Velvet and that maybe Velvet was making room for something else in Kenya’s life.  Yeah, like that fake baby!  As much as I dislike Kenya and think she is full-blown bat-shit cray cray, my heart goes out to her.  That sucks!


Kandi is dressed in her finest camo smock, and the Fashion Queens declare war on this top!  She has a family counselor over for a house call to assist her with the Mama Joyce situation.  The counselor lays a valid point on the table, why at 37 years old, is Kandi allowing her mother to behave this way?  Kandi claims it’s a respect thang.  Mama arrives in a flashy smock-lette of her own and her finest Joyce DeWitt wig.  The Doc has a sesh with Mama one on one to AX what is going on, she immediately starts bashing Todd…he quit his $100K per year job because Kandi has money.  Ugggh…first of all she fails to recognize that Todd had to quit because working for Bravo and having a relationship with Kandi was a conflict of interest.  She fails to acknowledge that he went to work for BET, but left that job due to the hectic travel schedule.  Oy, as if that bucket o’ steaming donkey shit wasn’t bad enough, Mama then points out that Kandi has gained 30 pounds and Todd is falling down on the job, he should remind her to go to the gym [insert sound of needle scratching off of record here].  I DARE ANY MAN ANYWHERE TO TELL ANY WOMAN ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME THAT SHE NEEDS TO GO TO THE GYM!  Whew…I went a little off the rails there, but I digress…I suppose if Mama truly has a death wish for Todd, he should tell Kandi to go to the gym because she will surely rip out his intestines and use them as her personal jump rope.  Yeah motherf*cker…I’m workin’ out now!


Mama goes on…Kandi never had a father figure and Kandi was close to her brother who passed away when he was 22.  Mama can’t comment on how Todd treats Riley either, because she isn’t around them.  The counselor seems stunned by the fact that Mama is slinging all these judgments without even taking the time to get to know Todd.  Kandi pops back in and the counselor asks if they love one another, and of course they do, they plan to have another session with him.

Nene has traveled to New York and is at the Home Shopping Network office to review samples from her new clothing line for drag queens.  She is shooting down every piece, including the showstopper pleather dress that HSN was banking on.  In a last ditch effort, one of the HSN interns shows Nene a royal blue smock that she deems “the wow piece.”  Put the bitch in a brightly colored smock-lette with cut out shoulders and she’s happier than a dog with two dicks!  Nene has the world by the tail, “one door closes, another one opens…just like ‘dat…BOOP!”


Kenya has called a sit down with Kandi and Cynthia, she tells them about Velvet, and Cynthia uses one of her modeling techniques she teaches at her fashion house for wayward two-bit models, known as “the bug-eyed over the top gasp, arm flail, and simultaneous chest grab.”  They offer their condolences and hugs, Cynthia apologizes for the “weird reaction”, which doesn’t make it any less weird, and Kenya invites them to the memorial.  Needless to say, Nene will not be getting an e-vite.


At the 0:43 minute mark, we get the 30 second interstitial, which is the only time we see Phaedra this week.  Phaedra and Apollo are at a pottery class, playing with a blob of clay à la “Ghost”.  Thank God, this is only 30 seconds of our lives we will never get back.


On the set of “A Mother’s Love”, it’s one week before opening night and the walking monstrosity that is Porsha, strolls in for her first rehearsal.  She is dumbfounded that she has to be singing, acting, and staying in character all at the same time.  Holy shit, she is chewing gum too, I think her head is going to explode.  Lark the sassy stage manager that could, reads Porsha like a trashy harlequin romance novel.  Lark gives her the bob-n-weave neck twist of shame combined with the stank eye of doom, but Porsha promises she will get her shit together.

Mama Joyce creeps in to observe rehearsal and Todd is milling around in the lobby talking to his owner mother, who sounds like she is about ready to come down there and kick Mama Joyce’s ass.  The cast takes a break and Don Juan walks Mama Joyce out to the lobby, then he exits stage left, in order to give Todd the Bravo mandated “time alone to further this tired old story line.”  Todd gives Mama a tour and shows her how the red carpet and reception area will be set up.  Mama Joyce is being very short with him, shooting him the side eye.  Todd wants to clear up the tension with her and Mama Joyce explains that she lost respect for Todd because he stopped working after he met Kandi.  Todd explained that he works on contract and he took a break and he had money saved, he did not sponge off of Kandi.  He took contracts out of town, but Kandi wanted him to be home.  He just wants Mama to like him and eventually learn to love him, the only person suffering is Kandi.  Mama admits that she lost one child and she has been too protective of Kandi.  Now that she finally has come out of her psychosis induced stupor, this sheds light on her behavior.  Doesn’t make it right, but she finally explained where she is coming from.  She softens her death gaze a bit and gives Todd a hug.  Good thing, because Todd and Kandi just got married on April 4, 2014 and she is getting her own Bravo show about her wedding!


Next week, it’s the season finale!  It’s opening night for the musical, Nene would rather stab herself in the spleen and be admitted to the hospital than go to said musical, and Kenya holds the tearful memorial service for Velvet.


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