Who Gon’ Check Me, Dawg?!?!

Back in sultry Mexico, it’s 1:30 in the morning and Phaedra walks into the bar rockin’ her “Aww hell naw” stare because her hubby is chatting with the strictly dickly, verboten Miss Kenya Whore.  Phaedra confronts the drunk dynamic duo and all Apollo can utter is that “everybody wants to be bygones”.  Before Phaedra can respond to his idiocy, Nene and Porsha come in like gangbusters and Apollo jumps up “saved by the bell!”  More like saved by the shrill.  Phaedra is still ticked off that “this ol’ wilted up whore is trying to refresh this mess with Apollo.”  Apollo beelines for the bar, but Phaedra is more than over it and stalks off, only to find out she doesn’t have her room key.

Kenya shakes off Phaedra’s discontent and instead, shakes Apollo’s hand and they agree to move on and be “friends with benefits”.  Porsha and Nene grill Apollo for the deets on what went down.  Apollo still claims nothing was going on and he isn’t a kid who needs babysitting.  If that’s true, he may want to lose the Charlie Brown backpack.  Nene and Porsha try to explain the lines of respect in a marriage, but he’s too hopped up on tobacco and tequila to get it.  Apollo seeks out his wayward wife, who is locked out of their hotel room, holding in her pee.  She’s annoyed and she needs to pee, back away Apollo.  Have we taught you nothing?!?!  Apollo no understand…she came in to the bar all “juvial”.  At this point, it is all our sweet Phaedra can do to keep herself from shivving his eyes out.  She gently corrects him, “jovial” and he responds with “tomato, tomahto…juvial, jovial.”  Word, not a word…I married you, now I hate you…” aww hell, what’s the point?

The next day, Keyna and Lawrence are frolicking in the ocean, Moore Whore is careful not to get her weave wet and Lawrence tries to preserve his flowing caftan from the Mrs. Roper collection by K-Mart.

Kenya Ocean

Cynthia and Peter join Kenya and Lawrence on the beach to find out what went down the evening prior.  Lawrence says Kenya and Apollo have Angelina and Brad’s chemistry…discuss.  After he stirs that shit pot, he flies away on his magic caftan.  Kenya delivers her version of events along with her impression of Phaedra’s “screw face”.  She advises Peter to stay out of it, if he doesn’t have a pair of breasts, he can’t play.  Kenya insists this is all silliness, she doesn’t need Apollo because she can get dick, her mail, and a hammer anywhere…the mailbox, the Home Depot…she has 99 problems and a dick ain’t one!  Besides, she has that non-existing African boyfriend, riiiight?

Kenya Screw Face

Meanwhile, Apollo approaches his wife, calling her “Dr. Nida” and he presents her with a lily and calls it a “rose for thought”.  Yes he is just that stupid and yes Phaedra, when you kill him in his sleep, we will not tell anyone where you have buried the body.  Apollo asks her for help because he stretched his “medulla oblongata”, which makes no sense.  He just picked a random medical term because he thought it was funny.  He should have asked her for help with his “wenis”.  Just f*ckin’ Google it, people!  Phaedra is trying to study for her mortuary exams and she is officially over his stupidity and lack of judgment.

Apollo enlists Kandi’s help orchestrate a surprise dinner to celebrate Phaedra’s birthday and to try and make nice.  He walks Phaedra into the restaurant with a blindfold on, which she must have been wearing while she got dressed because her outfit is hideous.  They have a piñata and Phaedra starts swinging at it like Apollo swung on Brandon as if it were Kenya.  Kandi takes a swing at it, busts it open, and multi-colored irregular condoms fly out everywhere.


Porsha visualizes that the piñata is Kordell and she smashes it so hard, it knocks over the birthday cake.  It’s time for “awkward speech of the night”, Apollo takes the mic and thanks Phaedra for being the mother to his children and “let’s just move forward.”  (Insert sound of Scooby Doo saying “err??” here)


Kenya has planned a circle jerk of epic proportions and Phaedra smells the bullshit a mile away.  No, the beanbag chairs are not arranged in a perfect semi-circle in order to play a rousing game of “Catchphrase”, but Kenya has decided it would be so super if they could have do-over of the ill-fated pillow talk party from hell.  Because that worked out so well for everyone the first time.  Porsha answers her stupid question first, then Nene draws drama fueled one, “Name something that annoys you about another couple in the room.”

Nene decides to put Porsha on blast and say that her ignorance is annoying and she needs to educate herself before she speaks.  Peter tries to jump in and it pisses everyone off, including Gregg, who sets the stage for the previews that have been hyped for two weeks of the two titanium hips fighting.  Nene rages on Kandi next because apparently Kandi asked Nene if she still got that “not so fresh feeling”.  Nene is highly offended because she is in her 40’s (LIE) and could get pregnant tonight (PLEASE DON’T).

Todd jumps in and lectures Nene about her delivery and the way she says things.  Bottom line, Nene can’t take constructive criticism and she still gets her period.  Yay, can we just move forward?  Next, Lawrence has to define what constitutes cheating, he only feels that emotional cheating (not physical) is cheating.  He also believes that all men cheat, so of course he throws to Phaedra and Apollo.  Phaedra doesn’t hesitate, if you cheat, don’t get married and if it happens on her watch, “it’s deuces, I’m done with it.”  Foreshadowing?  Apollo thinks everyone cheats, and if Phaedra wants to cheat, his only stipulation is that she uses a condom.  Ahhh…creepy piñata contents explained.  And clearly, their marriage is about to crumble like an Oreo in the death grip of a pre-menstrual 40 year old woman!  As if it wasn’t bad enough, Apollo then gives the craziest ass analogy I think I have ever heard…you have to carry insurance, you don’t plan on your house burning down, but when it does you can call Geico!  How Phaedra did not manage to poison him during this trip is beyond me.  Beauty fades, but stupid lasts 4-EVA!  The only thing that gives me solace is that I know this smart, southern belle, beyotch has an iron clad pre-nup.

Kenya wraps up what she calls the “healthy debate” and ends the pillow talk redux by dismissing all the men so the women can have girl time to clear the air once and for all, leave it in Mexico, and not take it back to the ATL.  Kenya asks Nene what’s going on with Marlo, but Nene won’t discuss it.  So she moves on to Phaedra and why she is mad about her talking with Apollo.  Phaedra puts it simply, Kenya is crossing the line, they don’t want to be her friend, and she wants to “slap the dog shit” out of Kenya.  Well said, counselor.  Kenya cranks her Kitchen Aid 5000 shit stirring mixer to high speed and she tells Phaedra not to speak for her husband, because he agreed to be her friend with benefits.  Phaedra calls Kenya “manipulative and ratchet” and Kenya starts to flip out.  Nene is quietly in the corner murmuring “okay Twirl…”  Porsha tries to speak up and discredit Kenya because she doesn’t understand, having not been married or ever in a real relationship, but Kenya jumps all over her, throwing out the words “arranged marriage” and “beard.”  Just goes to prove you don’t have to be married to be an asshole.  Porsha decides that it’s getting too ugly and decides to step out of it.  Phaedra and Kenya agree to not trust one another, but they will keep it moving.  Kenya is not to be talking with Apollo alone, but we will see how that goes.

After the men were sent off to purgatory, they got into a heated discussion of their own.  Gregg must be menstruating too because he decides that now is the time to bring up his issue with Peter getting up in Nene’s grill at the masquerade charity party.  Which actually didn’t happen, Nene stomped up on Peter, but who is paying attention to those details aside from the cameras?  The two macho men argue a bit, bump their bellies chests, and then it’s full blown turn up time.  The fuse on Gregg’s manpon is lit and these two go off the rails like misguided, child pop stars.  Todd, who is way too little for this, jumps in the middle and practically gets checked by Gregg while Gregg shouts “Don’ check me dawg!”


The ladies hear the shouting and run over to the room to see what it’s about, Peter starts to explain and Nene, AGAIN, gets up in his grill, advising him to stay out of the women’s bidness.  “We don’t like Patricia, we like Peter.  Stop trying to roll wit’ the women and stop being a dayum bitch.”  Wow…just…wow.


Next week, the Cynthia and Nene alliance may be broken beyond repair and Porsha has Mariah Carey demands on the set of Kandi’s musical.


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