Grab Your Nuts

Kenya and Lawrence trash talk over breakfast, of course Kenya has done her Stallion Booty DVD work out on a loop since she awoke at 5 a.m.  She doesn’t want to leave Mexico looking like Phaedra.  I don’t care what Lawrence, the ass sucking clown says, Kenya is not a size 4.  CHILE PUH-LEAZE!  Somewhere across the isthmus, I am sure Phaedra is slinging a slut insults at Kenya.  Kenya and Lawrence move on to trash talk Porsha, her arranged marriage, bearding, and all.  Lawrence notes that if Kordell is perceived as being “gay”, there isn’t enough Don Julio in all of Mexico to wash away those perceptions.  Poor Kordell, he thought he was getting a trophy wife, but all he got was an unauthenticated certificate good for one coloring book.  Next on the agenda is Apollo, what a liar, what a skeeze bag, all he tries to do is “save phace” with Phaedra.  No better way to clear the air than a drunken one-on-one behind Phaedra’s back.  More on that later…

Kenya and her yellow romper take the gang hostage on a day trip to go swimming in some ice cold water in a cave with bats.  The gang travels in two cars and we are treated to dueling conversations about outdoor showers and the jumbled up seating arrangements during the welcome to the fires of hell dinner.  Kenya, the master of producer mandated conflict, spearheads a convo about Todd and Kandi’s pending nuptials, which are still flailing due to family drama.  Peter goes all Dr. Phil on Kandi’s ass because she is in LaLa land thinking that by getting married, the Mama drama will vanish.  Todd speaks up about Kandi and Mama Joyce needing therapy, and if Kandi won’t shit or get off the pot, he doesn’t know how long he can hold it down.  A veiled threat, but Todd lightens the mood by saying Kandi needs to take a stand with mama, “that’s what it is man, like grab yer nuts!”  And grab Mama by the weave and throw her out of that house you are paying for…just a thought.

The gang arrives at their destination and everyone freaks out over a li’l anaconda that could, writhing around on the walking path.  Phaedra whips out her prayer cloth and exclaims a few “OH LAWD’S” and suggest the snake be taken directly to Jimmy Choo.  Kenya is over it, she has seen bigger snakes in her bedroom.  Yes, the kind attached to invisible boyfriends.

The gang admires the caves, oohing and ahhing over stalactites, stalagmites, and some crazy face eating bats.  They arrive at an area with a fresh spring, but nobody wants to go for a swim except for Kenya and Apollo.  Kenya exclaims “it’s the fountain of youth”, but that doesn’t persuade any takers. 

Caves

Apollo chicken shits out and everyone is awkwardly standing around.  Eventually Porsha “grabs her nuts”, throws her weave in a pony, straps on the life support cummerbund, and gets her bearded arse in the water.  The whole scene is bizarre, then as Kenya gets out of the water, Apollo waits, then watches her ass as she goes up the stairs at the precise moment when it was totally noticeable.

Kenya plans another excursion, but only for the ladies who have supported her in the artificial insemination arts.  Translation = Porsha and Phaedra get a day off to kick it at their private pool, drink their faces off, and fantasize about Kenya jumping off a bridge with weights around her neck.  The other ladies gather in a circle with a shaman who waves smoke in their faces, facilitating Kenya’s fake tears.  The shaman gives them a two-fer blessing since Kandi hopes to reproduce as well.  Cynthia is hoping that the shaman doesn’t accidentally bless her.  Lawd knows she doesn’t want to raise another child, let alone with that jack wagon of a hubby she calls Uncle Ben.

Shaman

Kenya tearfully discusses her dreams with the ladies and reveals that she had a former boyfriend who had a son and a potential wonderful mother in law, but it didn’t work out because she is always pushing men away.  They all talk about how they were moms before they got married and Kenya realizes she can actually learn something from all these women that she hates.

The 30 second interstitial, which TiVo will almost indefinitely blow past at the 43 minute mark, is the gang on a party bus actually being silly and having a good time.  I am not sure what the hell Phaedra is wearing, but I am sure she did not get the “Leggings are not pants” memo.  Annnd our lovely Cynthia, dressed to the nines, giving good wife, tens across the board, is doing the FREAKING ROBOT!

The men go for a cigar smoking and drinking sesh so they can bond and pollute their lungs and minds.  Peter pulls a producer mandated discussion topic from the hat and lo and behold, the topic is Kandi and Todd!  Just as Peter and Apollo are beginning to give Todd some solid bro advice, Kenya, her floral romper, and Lawrence crash the party.  Kenya grabs a cigarlette and dips it into Apollo’s cognac and explains that “when you suck, you suck the flavor of the liquor”, Peter hones in on the word “suck” and suggests she uses the word “pull”, as if in some perverse universe that is actually more appropriate.

CigarParty

Kenya makes a left at Inappropriate Lane and hangs a sharp right on That is Just Wrong on So Many Levels Avenue and she asks Peter if he refused to get into the cave spring water because he was afraid of shrinkage.  Then she encourages the men to start doing relentless tequila shots with her and she pulls Apollo up to the bar to “assist” her in ordering another round.  Because the bidness of tequila shot ordering in Mexico is a wily li’l minx.  Todd and Peter tell Apollo it’s a setup and warn him to stay away, but Kenya drags him aside in attempt to have her drunken heart to heart about what really happened with “you’ve got sext gate”.  Todd tries to hover, but Apollo pulled his big boy pants out of his back pack and insists he can handle the Kenya vortex of doom.

Kenya tells Apollo that when she and Phaedra fell out, he started treating her differently.  Kenya is working harder than her Colorstay® lip gloss in order to get Apollo to admit that nothing happened between them.  She knows Apollo is making all of this up in order to cover up what he is really doing.  Apollo won’t really let her get a word in edge wise and he is drunk and wayward from cigar smoke.  He basically says that if he had the chance with her and he wanted to, he would have jumped on it.  The operative words are “if he had the chance” and “wanted”, which tells me he didn’t have the chance or want to, but Kenya ain’t buyin his shit or his DVD.

Apollo-Kenya

Peter sees Kandi and Phaedra approach, “it’s about to jump off”.  He suggests the men migrate over to the bar to avoid the impending eruption.  Kandi whispers to Phaedra “It’s turn up time” and Phaedra is not pleased.  She asks what the hell is goin’ on and Apollo’s Phace looks like it has seen a ghost.

Phaedra-NotPleased

Next week, we get to see Phaedra’s reaction and it looks like Peter and Gregg get into an Uncle Ben shouting match over who used the last Depends®.

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