Bowled Over

Nene is sulking around in her best Mrs. Roper Mumu over the unfortunate events of the night before at the charity event.  NayNay, Nene’s evil twin came out to play and she went full on hood rat.  Although Nene feels justified in her actions, she is still salty about being “met with a damn monster at the top of the hill”, a.k.a Peter and his bitchassiness.  Gregg is in full-blown support mode, saying “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” as he sips coffee made with toilet water from “metaphor for life” toilet bowl mug.


Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia and Malorie discus the debacle, had Cynthia known that Nene was going to give us “silence of the lambs”, she and her wig would have left little Nene alone.  Cynthia doesn’t want her ol’ hubby getting’ crunk with the girls, he may break a hip.  We flash back to three years ago when Peter got shitty with Nene over the phone, and after the face off in the driveway, Cynthia doesn’t know if she will hear from Nene again.  Cynthia’s mind is ablaze with indecision, on one hand, she is planning a surprise birthday party for Peter, who she isn’t speaking to, and an event for the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models called the “Bailey Bowl”, where all the ladies will converge to compete in a field day.  What to do?  Time to whip out your “Bravo Mandated Event Emergency Planning Guide”, turn to the chapter titled “So, you think you need to abort this mission?”

Kenya and Marlo meet at a local bar and these two have become tighter than Marlo’s Target capri pants.  Kenya shares that she had a horrific case of camel toe and had to change her clothes into some that don’t match.  Wardrobe malfunctions aside, they get down to the gossip and Kenya delivers a re-enactment of the motherf*ckin’ walk off that took place at the charity ball.  She imitates Nene, doing her model walk with a twisted Zoolander face.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton seems to think she can smooth over the mess with Nene since they were besties two seasons ago.

Faces of Nene

Cynthia and her assistant, Satchel, are prepping for Peter’s big surprise Jamaican birthday party.  Peter calls Cynthia and says he cannot make it to the event in question because he is tired and her authentic Jamaican steel drum band arrives in the form of two ol’ white men in Tommy Bahama shirts.  Peter acquiesces to show up at 7 p.m., but runs into Kandi in the parking lot and pretends to be surprised.

Kandi, Cynthia, and Porsha discuss the ass kissin’ charity ball of hell and Cynthia recounts the Nene/Peter face off.  Kenya and Marlo arrive and Kenya is dressed like slutty C3PO.  Gregg and Nene arrive fashionably late and Nene claims NayNay is waiting in the car, but you bet your sweet ass NayNay is waiting in the ladies room ready to deliver an atomic wedgie and a swirlie to any housewife who steps out of line!  Nene and Peter decide to put their beef aside for the moment and air kiss it out.  Kenya asks Nene for a moment alone and Nene skewls Kenya on how to properly “honor” someone at a fake charity party.

Nene stops by Porsha’s house, sporting her barbie pony and scrubs, and she is going to assist Porsha with her part in Kandi’s play.  They talk about digging deep and Nene encourages Porsha to relive her divorce and pull from those emotions.  Acting coaching is officially over and Nene vents to Porsha about her disdain for Kenya.  Porsha couldn’t help but notice the tension and also noted that Marlo and Kenya have gotten really chummy.  Nene calls Marlo an OPPORTUNIST!  [Drink!]  Porsha is shocked that Nene is calling her that since Marlo just stood up as flower girl in Nene’s fake re-wedding.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence have a little kiki and Kenya is planning a trip to Mexico for all of the couples to try and band-aid the issues.  In what world do women travel to foreign countries together in order to force friendships that shouldn’t exist, anywhere, ever?  Kenya recruits Lawrence to come as her plus one and her bodyguard.  This ought to be interesting…

We are treated to a small interstitial of the Parks family with Ayden saying grace before dinner, which is too cute for words.  I usually blast by these one minute interludes due to my itchy fast forward TiVo trigger finger, but this one is truly important.  Ayden explains, “No, we don’t hold hands!  At school when we say graces we don’t hold hands!”  Hey, I don’t blame the kid, I wouldn’t want to hold Apollo’s hand either since he likely spent his afternoon at the tater tot buffet at the strip club.  Ayden is adorable and smart!

It’s the big day of the train wreck “Bailey Bowl”, the ladies arrive in their spandex, sucked in like stuffed sausage.  We have various team names, which are self-identifying, Team Twirl, Team Rich, Team Late Kandi, Team Cynthia (real creative), Team Real, and Team Naked.

Sidebar:  “Naked Hair” is the name of Porsha’s wig line, hence “Team Naked”.

Let the games begin.  The adult field day starts with an egg balancing relay race and Nene is already calling bullshit on the refs.  The teams move outside for more games and Marlo is starting shit with Nene.  More relay races and mass chaos.  Marlo tries to jump on Nene from behind and NayNay ain’t havin’ it.  Nene’s heretofore contained box-o’-crazy has just been blown open.  Marlo corners Lexus and vents about Nene, but Lexus’ eyes are darting around searching for the nearest open bar.  Kenya butts in and drags Marlo over to Nene.  Nene is in her natural state, pissed, and the F-bombs fly and so does Nene’s water bottle in a classic “She by Shereé” move.  Nene looks like she’d rather be having a back alley colonoscopy that be at this Bailey Bowl debacle.  Marlo keeps squawking about how she is hot shit and takes credit for changing Nene’s style?  Gregg escorts Nene away and Marlo is snapping at her ankles like an annoying scurvy dog.  Nene rips her mic off and as she gets into her Land Rover, she mutters something about “Donald Trump gonna make sure this shit happens!”  Yea, because the Trumpster has nothing else going on but washed up Barely Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Nene.  After the dust settles on the playground, Marlo breaks down into tears in Kenya’s arms and the “Bailey Bowl” became the “Bailey Bust” after two events.

Nene-Don't try me

Next week, the talking thumb, Kordell, makes an appearance.  The Mexico trip heats up the tension to a rolling boil.  Kenya asks Porsha about being a beard and looks like Gregg and Uncle Ben go toe to toe.


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