You’re Not E-Vited

Keyna and Marlo are having a kiki at Lawrence’s salon while he flat irons Marlo’s weave and rattles off the appropriate prompts to keep the script moving.  Kenya is clearly recruiting Marlo “check my charges” Hampton for Team Kenya.  They discuss the pillow talk party debacle and the ramifications of pissing off the high supreme priestess, Nene Leakes.  Lawrence follows his cue and asks Kenya about her upcoming masquerade ball charity event and Kenya invites Marlo on the spot as an afterthought.  She sent the rest of the women an “E-Vite” and she knows that everyone has read their invitation because she’s one of those psychos that request a read receipt on everything.  Kenya’s plan is to kill Nene with kindness and the charity ball is being held to honor Nene and her favorite charity “Saving our Daughters.”  More on this hot ass mess later…

The Kandi Factory is still auditioning for the musical “A Mother’s Psychosis” and it’s the big day for Porsha.  She proves she cannot stick to a script and uses the word “barbecue” instead of “hot dogs”, wha?  She is more confident in her singing abilities, “Omma singa gospel song, so I know I’m gonna be convicted!”  The only thing being convicted here is the Kandi Factory, for disturbing the peace.  Porsha did better on her singing portion of the audition (a little pitchy, DAWG) and Don Juan had a little barbecue sauce with his crow.

Porsha-Audition

Kenya meets Cynthia at “Bar One Money Pit of Horrors” to interview bachelor’s to be auctioned off at the masquerade charity ball from hell.  Marlo struts in, wearing a micro-mini skirt, and then she obsesses over Kenya’s skeeziks.  Translation, broken off flyaway hairs in the front of her head.  Marlo hocks a luge in her hand and starts grooming Kenya like a monkey at the zoo.  If that wasn’t sad and primal enough, only six men showed up to the audition and they all wanted to take their shirts off.  Cynthia insists that if she had used the “Bailey Agency Modeling School for the Wayward” to promote the event, the turnout would have been vastly improved.  Oh Cynthia, has the coochie crack incident taught you nothing???  You, Kenya, and casting don’t mix.

Marlo-Hair

It’s Porsha’s turn to organize the “Bravo mandated weekly get together to do something ridiculous” and this week it’s roller derby.  Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!  It’s actually not a bad idea, if any of them could roller skate except for Kenya.  While the ladies strap on their helmets, Kandi announces that Porsha got the part in her musical.  Porsha goes off the rails and is already winning Tony awards in her demented little pea brain and she can’t even remember the name of the character she will play.  Kenya pokes fun at Cynthia for being wobbly on the skates, but gives her props for trying, which is better than the “I never do anything twins.”  We see a camera shot of Phaedra rolling her eyes, about to whip out her whirring breast pump, and Kandi is texting Todd, telling him she’ll be home in a jiffy, put the hot wings on da’ grill!

Kenya is a real bitch on wheels racing around the derby course, but li’l Porsha takes several falls and has to visit the first aid kiosk where some woman sprays Bactene on her shoulder.   They take a break to chat on the resting benches and Kandi brings up the spa scuttlebutt.  Kenya offers the patented half-assed apology and they are all able to laugh about it in retrospect and seem ready to move on to the next drama.

Porsha-Bactene

The next day, Kandi is at home, half-heartedly working out to her complimentary Phine Booty DVD.  Cameron enters the door and Kandi needs no invitation to stop lifting her leg in the air.  Carmon has news, the characters on the street who are bad mouthing Todd to Mama Joyce are none other than Bennie and Crystal.  These two sound like a drug deal gone wrong.  Bennie is an associate of Kandi’s and he dates Crystal, who is a friend of Mama Joyce.  Crystal alleged that she saw Carmon and Todd together.  Carmon called Crystal to rip her a new asshole and then Mama Joyce called Carmon immediately and left a threatening voice mail that basically said “I’ll drag you IN THIS BITCH up and down the street like a rag, you low down heifer!”  Carmon also informs Kandi that Mama offered to pay Benny to take Todd out, get him hammered, and take photos of Todd rubbin’ up on other women.  JESUS TAKE THE WHEL.  Kandi is Krushed, she always had this vision of being one big happy family, but Carmon suggests she “make a new vision.”

Nene visits Cynthia at the “Bailey Hellhouse for Skanky Models”, Cynthia is sporting her Diana Ross realness wig, and Nene has the Barbie ponytail and she appears to be wearing scrubs.  Cynthia discusses the Kenya charity ball of disaster and Nene is hot under the collar, she claims to know nothing about it.  Cynthia explains everything and tries to convince Nene to show up, but Nene doesn’t understand why Kenya has not called her personally.  I’ll tell you why, because f*ck you is why.

Cynthia-Nene-Hair

Kandi and Todd have a heart to heart in the courtyard and she drops the bomb about Mama Joyce’s threatening voice mail and her plan to set up Todd to look like a the low down man-skank that he is not.  Kandi summons Carmon for backup and she confirms the story.  Todd can’t help but laugh, but he has lost all respect for Mama and is sick of Mama effing with Kandi’s head.  Kandi is in defense mode and Todd throws out a veiled threat about ending their relationship if the shit doesn’t stop.  They come to an agreement that Kandi should seek therapy and work on herself in order to deal with the Mama Madness.  Cameron agrees and says “teamwork makes the dream work.”

It’s the night of the poorly attended masquerade ball and Kenya hears from Cynthia that Nene may not be coming due to the fact that she wasn’t properly invited.  Kenya can’t resist kicking a person while they are down, she can’t believe that Nene can’t check her damn e-mail given the fact that she isn’t working right now.  BURN!

Kenya has full hair and makeup done and then puts on a ridiculous Vegas dancer style headdress that looks like it weighs 50 pounds.  Lawrence greets her with an orbital lamp shade floating around his head.  Nene’s handler, Cynthia, is the only cast mate who can make it.  Nene does decide to show up dressed to the nines, chaos in her eyes, and stank face on.  Nene’s buddy, Lexus, the nitrous sucking demon clown, is there in support of Nene only up in this beyotch for the free booze.

Kenya-Bachelor

Kenya gives a speech and calls Nene up to the stage to say a few words.  Gregg prompts her up to the stage and cautions her to choose her words carefully.  She starts off by saying she has such amazing friends that she doesn’t even know about and she thanks “Saving our Daughters” and comments it is one of the many charities that she works with.  Then she pulls a Chris Rock and throws the mic on the floor and walks off.

Mama-not_cool

Kenya starts off the bachelor auction and Peter announces that he wants to leave because he’s upset that Nene couldn’t put her game face on.  They start to walk out, Peter still grumbling and Nene overhearing…annnnnnd wait for it…they are on Nene’s turf now…it’s MOTHERF*CKIN’ FIGHT IN THE DRIVEWAY!  Nene gets up in Peter’s Uncle Ben grill and pops off, while Gregg stands behind Nene and repeats the last three words of everything she says.  Cynthia, stays in her lane, clutching her Charming Charlie spray painted pearls, and Peter does the smartest thing he has ever done and walks away.

Next week, fighting is a team sport.

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