Kandi Krush

Oh pillow talk melee, how we have missed you!  The group ain’t missin’ a beat, Nene is still screaming at Kenya, blaming her for this whole Lifetime Movie crazy mess, while Apollo decides to stomp toward Brandon for round two.  Maybe this time he will pummel him on the love seat or the drink cart, let’s mix it up a bit.  The production crew has intervened and herded everyone into their respective “time out” corners.  As soon as the crew wraps this puppy up, they are off to collect their hazard pay and grab a drink, or twelve.

Nene decides now is the time to give a speech “we are all freaking adults, this is about asking questions and answering them, it ain’t about getting’ all krunk with fistises and shit!”  What in the fresh hell were you thinking, Nene?  Get a room full of people who nary get along, pour booze down their willing gullets, and then drill for personal details about their relationships like you’ve found the damn glory hole!  This situation is fraught with peril, the only one who is acting like she has a remote ounce of sense is Porsha.  She decides to bounce with her assisterant and head home to make sure the dog’s tutus are securely in place.

Christopher apologizes to Nene and takes the floor, he’s pissed off that Kenya disrespected his wife and we are pissed that he is wearing an L.L. Bean lumberjack shirt.  Why isn’t he half-naked or in footie pajama’s like the rest of the crew?  Now that the Brandon beating dust has settled, Kandi decides that this is the moment to make it known that she didn’t appreciate Natalie saying things about Todd.  Hmm…what “things”, did she call him an OPPORTUNIST???  There is that Godforsaken word again!  Natalie clarifies, she never said “opportunist”, she did clarify the dirt that Cynthia was digging up and said he was a cheater, a hustler, knew how to swerve, etc.  First off, I love how Natalie talks about Todd like he isn’t sitting right there and I love how she seems to think that her clarification is an improvement over calling him an “opportunist”.  Cynthia, realizing that her fibrosis sympathy back stage pass is no longer valid, tries to back pedal and say that Natalie also had a lot of great things to say about Todd.  Kandi doesn’t appreciate Cynthia getting’ all up in her shiz, waving her modely finger at her, so Cynthia tries to direct her comments toward Todd.  Then Peter inserts himself between Cynthia and Todd. 


Kandi is pissed, “he’s buckin’ up his chest at me, like he gonna do somethin’?”  Peter keeps yelling “you know the rules” and it turns into another full-blown fisticuffs.  Malorie gets involved and actually shoves Todd and Kandi.  Peter keeps mumbling shit like he has rocks in his mouth, I can’t tell if he’s hammered or if he got his jaw jacked somewhere during the fight.  Todd drags Kandi off the scene and Malorie is threatening to beat her ass.  WTF, since when does Malorie have a dog in this fight?  Kandi is going buck wild, “I will DRAG YOU IN THIS BITCH!”  Meanwhile, Nene’s friend Lexus has the right idea.  She sits quietly on the cushy couch, sucking down the free vodka like it’s black tar heroin.


Phaedra comforts Kandi in the bathroom and back in the suite Peter is trying to have a “man to man” with Todd.  Nene is still bewildered at how this happened.  Everyone disburses and as Apollo walks out, he says “that’s not how I roll” and Phaedra replies, “well that’s not how I roll!”  You can tell by her patented Phaedra tone that she is ready to whoop his ass.

The next day, we are treated to dueling scenes between the groups breaking down their interpretation of events in their respective kitchens.  Kandi breaks it all down, pretty well, to her assistant, Carmon.  Carmon gets a chuckle out of it and says Kandi was acting like Mama Joyce, but Kandi admits it was worse and plans to apologize to everyone.

At Cynthia and Peter’s, Nene and Gregg stop by to hash it all out and Cynthia has it completely twisted.  Cynthia delivers an impression of Kandi gettin’ all up in her grill, which actually didn’t happen.  It was a closer impression to Apollo’s flailing fists of fury.  Peter says it was “a full episode of Jerry Stringer jumpin’ off”.  Yes Peter, especially the part where you held Brandon down so Apollo could Rodney King his ass.


Brandon stops by Kenya’s place to show off his shiner and his broken rib.  All Brandon recalls is Apollo sitting on top of him “like a light skinned gorilla” and Kenya thinks he had a prison flashback.  Brandon has a police report and thinks he “holds all the cards” because a cracked rib is an automatic felony.  Brandon decides he won’t press charges because Phaedra and Apollo have a family and he is thinking of their sons.  It won’t matter anyway because Apollo is going to grey bar hotel for ID theft, he will feel right at home.

At Phaedra’s place, there is a lot of tension between her and Apollo.  He tries to make light of it, calling it “ridiculous” and he didn’t expect someone to walk into his flailing fists of fury windmill!  Do these assholes not realize that ALL OF THIS NUTBAGGERY IS ON VIDEO?!?!  Apollo is packing up his li’l bastard identity theft kit into his busy bee backpack while he tries to justify pummeling Brandon.  Phaedra ain’t buyin’ what this con man is peddling.  Phaedra blames Kenya for the melee because she got out of her seat and started the shit, heck Phaedra didn’t want to go to the party in the first place!  Then she derails off on to some subject about people who have fluffy footie pajama fetishes, or some CRAZY ASS SHIT.  Apollo offers a half-assed Apollo-gy to his wife, but little does she know at this moment, this is the least of their worries.

Well the show must go on, so Kandi arrives at her open casting call for the musical, “A Mother’s Unhinged Psychosis Love”  Don Juan warns the judging panel that it’s an open call so everyone will blow ass.  They run through a medley of horrid singers and only find about two talented people.  Meanwhile across town, Porsha preps for her audition by singing and doing high kicks.  This is hardly worth mentioning, but it provides a tempering transition before the OFFICIAL BRAVO PRODUCER MANDATED RE-RE-RE-HASH, SORTA MAKE UP, BUT NOT REALLY, SORRY NOT SORRY SESH…

And the day has arrived, Kandi summons everyone to a spa for a day of rehashing the pillow talk events gone awry.  Because nothing says “hey, let’s work it out” like changing into hot pink gym uniforms, getting a group massage, and then flying into a blind rage over some green tea.  Cynthia and Phaedra forego the massage and Nene is dreading the whole day and mentions that Brandon was the only one who reached out to her.  However, she is pissed that he somehow got her top secret number.  (Ahem…Kenya).  Phaedra says something off the rails again and says she heard that at this particular spa during the massage, they “put their toes in your butt”.  Nene tacks on by mentioning an herbal vagina cleansing thingie.  W.T.F.???

Everyone finishes up their treatments and they settle in for some green tea and shade.  Kandi apologizes for her behavior right off the bat, but Nene has to have her moment so she bitches out Kenya a bit.  Cynthia raises her hand to wait for her turn, then like a floating, loose tea bag in a seething cauldron of rage, she whirls around and goes after Kandi.  It goes off the rails quickly and flashbacks of the video tape back-up Kandi’s recollection of events.  Cynthia doesn’t apologize for her own actions, but apologizes on behalf of Malorie pushing Kandi.  Phaedra cuts the tension by saying “I hate it when my tea bag breaks in my water”.  Kenya is pissed that Phaedra is ignoring the issue and thinks she will probably “pull out a breast pump next”.  Haha, glad Kenya picked up on that classic Phaedra “F*ck you, get out of my face” move.  Phaedra begins to address her hubby’s actions, but falls short.  She says something about “black women” and “stereotypes” and wraps it up with “Don’t write checks that your butt can’t cash.”


Kenya stops Phaedra and says Brandon didn’t deserve it (he didn’t), Nene jumps in and says Kenya started it by “jumping out of her seat with her diaper on” (not really, she casually strolled toward Natalie and if Kenya jumped, I think her outfit would have come apart).  They start getting loud and everyone else is embarrassed that these bitches can’t use their indoor irrational skank voices within the confines of the spa.  Kenya is appalled that no one will come to her defense, but she has to realize she has burned many bridges.  Everyone has had enough of this nonsense and they leave the spa, completely not relaxed!


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