Front Pedaling Fracas

We begin this week with the party planning expert Dwight, who will assist Phaedra with Mr. President’s inauguration.  Phaedra wants it all done up, after all, she doesn’t merely plan parties, she plans experiences.  They will have secret service men in black, some red, white, and blue champagne, caviar, and a presidential flash mob with dancers.  This shin dig must rival Ayden’s “Sip-N-See” and Phaedra will spare no expense, little did she know at that time, she will need some hefty skrilla to bail her hubby out of jail.

Meanwhile, across town at Industry Studios, the warehouse where it looks like the type of place where you would carry out a hit, Cynthia and Peter discuss attending a Nene sponsored event, “Pillow-Talk.”  Cynthia briefs Peter about how Kandi threw down the “I know shit about Peter’s past” card at the winery lunch from hell.  Peter is interested in what Kandi has to say, but Cynthia wants to shut it down before it gets ugly.  TOO LATE!

Kenya and her aunt Lori go to the doctor so Kenya can find out just how dried up her ovaries are.  Kenya reviews the questionnaire and checks the “yes” box on the “have you experienced mental illness in your family” question.  The doctor tells Kenya that her tests indicated that she has diminished ovary function.  Well no shit.  Options include a conventional pregnancy, donor eggs, or a turkey baster party.  Since her “boyfriend” is busy, not existing in Africa, looks like Kenya will have to visit the sperm bank.

Turkey Baster

Kandi and her dream team are sitting around the Kandi Factory dreaming about who they are going to have star in the musical.  Kandi has secured Eddie Levert from the O’Jays, but Don Juan is against having Porsha perform.  Todd reads the script and recommends Christopher Williams.  Kandi starts to fill Todd in on the Christopher/Natalie drama and Don Juan smartly excuses himself.  He be like “I’m see ya’ like a baby born yesterday, I’m out!”  Kandi tells Todd about the “opportunist” word rearing its ugly head yet again.  Todd rolls his eyes and Kandi assures him that if anyone is “dating up”, it’s her because their relationship is so awesome.  Then she springs the news about attending the pajama pillow talk, soon to be the fiasco of the season, party.  Todd wants no part of it, but Kandi insists.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence arrive at Xytex Corporation, which is a sperm bank and Lawrence asks the receptionist for some “spare lube”, UH…EW!  Kenya drones on about how virile her African man is, but honey, he ain’t gonna do you a bit o’ good SINCE HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST.  Kenya accosts a handsome man, freshly emerging from the air nookie room, tucking in his meat and veg.  She is all over him like vomit on a Caribbean Cruise and she nabs his donor number.  Kenya is cutting up, she wants the speedy swimmer special, preferably from Michael Jordan or Obama.  The staff sits her down and allows her to list her non-negotiables.  Kenya reads her E-Harmony profile from her iPhone, intelligent, funny, affectionate, well groomed, no body odor, over 6’4”, pretty features, full lips, slender nose, green eyes.  The woman stops writing down her demands and they decide to have Kenya review essays written by donors.  Keyna rejects the first essay due to a grammatical error and then she wants to see the donor rooms.  She is all over the place, I can hardly believe she is serious about this.  The donor rooms are basically a chair, a laptop, instructions on how to punch the monkey into the proper receptacle, and then how to preferably wash your hands afterwards.

It’s the day of Dylan’s Inauguration and it’s on and poppin’.  The trumpets blare and Ayden gets out of the car dressed as Michael Jackson.  Phaedra emerges next, dressed as Minnie Mouse presenting Mr. President in a booster seat.  Apollo is ready to jump out of his skin throughout the event and the two snipe at each other throughout the entire scene.  Phaedra breaks out into dance with the governmental flash mob and she looks utterly ridiculous, but I have to give her props because she doesn’t give a shit.  Phaedra goes for a wardrobe change and Apollo continues bitching.


Flash forward to the Hotel Intercontinental Buckhead, and why we all tuned in tonight instead of watching those horrid Grammys.  Nene lights pink candles in preparation for her “pillow talk” party.  Nene says the goal of the night is to get everyone talking and break the tension.  Will it work?  All signs point to “NO” on my magic hate ball.  Cynthia arrives first so she and Nene can talk dirt, Natalie and Christopher are coming and Cynthia is wary about Kenya being there and she is concerned it could go off the rails.  Oh Cynthia, you slick harbinger.  We already know from the much hyped previews that this shindig goes south in a hot Atlanta minute.

The rest of the gang trickles in, but nobody is happy to see Natalie and Christopher.  Kandi thinks Nene is “geeked up” because she is bouncing around the room like a nut job.  Sidebar:  Nene is wearing some sort of mullet nightie that looks like a wad of used elephant tampons after being put through a blender, and lawd put some damn pants on!


Kenya is late, but Nene is getting irritated so she gets started.  She asks the group very pointed questions in order to put people on blast and start the slow burn of the shit show.  She asks a question about being uncomfortable around someone you know your mate has had relations with.  Cynthia asks Peter, he at least has a sense of humor about it and says he hangs out with Leon all the time.  The next question is about having a partner who is bi-sexual, and Nene puts the interrogation light on Porsha.  Porsha gets line of the night and mad props for her clever answer, “you need to be Porsha-sexual if you with me!”

Kenya knocks at the door, but Nene slams it in her face.  Kenya trails in, lookin’ like a fairground stripper, with her hyper friend Brandon in tow.  Nene lays into her and lectures her about being late, but Kenya claims she had to pick Brandon up at the airport.  Nene goes on to the next question about men looking at other women, Porsha pipes up saying she would have a problem with her man going to a strip club and Natalie agrees.  Peter says they are “whack as f*ck” because he loves the strip club and he conducts “business” there.  Yes, the same kind of “business” they conduct at the Xytex Corporation.  Peter claims he doesn’t get lap dances, but Kandi perks up because she has seen him doing so at a club.  Kandi spills the beans because she doesn’t want to be put in a position where she would have to lie about it.  Nene tells everyone that due to her experience working as a stripper she knows what goes on at a strip club and the gloves are off (pun intended), anything goes.

Apollo must have had too much Gin-N-Juice, because he proudly jumps up and admits to blowing (pun intended) $5,000 – $8,000 at the strip club.  Just about everyone is appalled and Kenya suspects that the money comes from his “allowance.”  However, with the recent news about Apollo “check his charges” Nida, strippers in Atlanta everywhere are dancing around with someone else’s retirement money in their coochie cracks.  Christopher Williams offers his two dollars and says he can’t justify spending money on that because he grew up poor, besides the wiry, feisty Natalie insists she takes care of her man.  Nene decides to take the floor and confront Kenya about the stuff she said about Natalie being a gift certificate “common law” wife.  Christopher stands up and approaches Kenya while Kenya tries to clarify what she actually said.  Natalie starts yelling and waving her finger, “don’t back pedal now!”  Keyna corrects her as she gets up and walks toward her, “no this is front pedaling”.  Christopher puts his hand on Kenya’s arm and all hell breaks loose.  Brandon jumps to defend his keeper and Peter flies up to him and gets pushed like an Uncle Ben rag doll.  Careful, he could break a hip! 


Peter pushes Brandon back into a bean bag chair and Apollo starts whaling on him like it’s a hot day out in the prison yard.  Gregg gets Christopher in a head-lock and Todd helps take him out of the room.  Apollo is going ape shit, attacking Brandon viscously, to the point where it’s downright scary.  Phaedra and Kenya are trying to pull Apollo off Brandon, but to no avail.  Production crew swarms in and eventually everyone is torn apart.  It’s a full-blown, bat shit crazy, pajama party pound down!  Where is Phaedra Sparks with her Tazer?  Where is ReDICKulous with his colossal, twirling, penis that leaves everyone speechless?  Where is SECURITY?!?!?!?!


This fight might actually be worse than the New Jersey brawl – See “Italian Where it Counts”:  The only thing that kinda lightened the scene was the sight of Gregg standing on the sidelines going “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” and Chuck “Big Homey” Williams cowering behind his wife, Mynique.  In case you missed it:


Kenya says Apollo is “beating Brandon like he’s in his jail cell fighting for his virginity”, and that is no joke.  Nene started this whole ramshackle disaster and then she screams at Kenya, blaming her for starting it by getting out of her seat and charging at Natalie.  Everyone else is dispersed and process what happened.  Phaedra is lecturing Apollo and somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  Apollo is compelled to rip off his shirt and mic and charge at Brandon again.  Assorted screams are heard and FADE TO BLACK!

The wives return on February 9th and the fisticuffs continues, Peter gets into Todd’s grill, Brandon has a broken rib, and Kandi gets crunk with Cynthia.


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